Growing Old Gracefully..... Or Not, Episode 1

Don't tell my parents but I think I'm growing old. How do I know this? Well, for one even though my mind is quick, (or so I like to think), by the time that snappy comeback makes it from my brain to my mouth the intended recipient is well out of range. Now this wouldn't normally be a symptom of aging nescessarily as it could happen to anybody. The difference is that when I was younger I was usually only about a half hour late with the retorts and now they seem to take a week. That's the bad part. The good part is that It keeps me entertained coming up with all these smart aleck responses even if by the time I think of them I'm the only one around to enjoy them. Of course I've learned not to chuckle too loudly about them in public places lest I want to be subjected to a round of eyebrow arching, snickering, whispering and pointing by those around me. This of course just provides more fodder and impetus to think up even more witty remarks. Right now I'm working on a whole arsenal of devastating snipes and one of these days I just know that I'll be able to access them at the appropriate time. Why then I'll show those whippersnappers a thing or two.

One of the other symptoms of aging I'm experiencing is the loss of my youthful figure. I shouldn't complain. After all I do have 30 pack abs and a girlish figure which wouldn't be so bad except that I'm a guy and the girl is pregnant with quadruplets. Oh, I get my exercise. I'm constantly running from my recliner to the refrigerator and back or to the bathroom or to bed. I've found that I like napping more and more. In fact I think I like napping more than I like being awake. I can go places in my dreams that I can't seem to find the energy to go to in real life including fishing.

I have also noticed that my attitude and acceptance level about certain things has changed. For instance when I was younger I would never have considered passing gas in public but now by golly I consider it an earned right. I mean I do my best to hold it in but if I really feel the urge to let one go I don't have nearly the guilt about it I had before. I figure the victims of my aromatics will just assume I'm old and therefore can't help myself.

Even scarier, just a few days ago I actually caught myself telling my son to get a haircut and turn that music down. Blasphemy! I couldn't believe it was me saying it. I almost had my wife drive me to the old folks home right there and then, (I didn't tell her but I heard they had some cute chicks there). See what I mean? Things I used to think were repugnant I now look forward to.

Despite all these signs of aging I am excited about the fact that I feel smarter than I ever have. I think I'm ready to start my new career as a sage and sit around dispensing wisdom. Now if I can just get someone to ask my opinion of something. Or maybe someone needs a snappy comeback, after all I've got a whole arsenal of them.

Read Growing Old Gracefully..... Or Not, Episode 2