Growing Old Gratefully: Having No Fear of the Unknown

One thing most childhood cancer survivors have in common is a lasting gratitude for being able to live to see their next birthday. I am one of those survivors and celebrated turning 34 this past week.

When I was growing up I faced cancer twice (the third time was in adulthood) and other cancer scares attributed to Cowden Syndrome. Because of being seriously ill during a cancer relapse, I did not believe I would live to be 20 years old. The cruel part about life is that it marches on whether you live it or not. I turned 20, then 25, and then 30. By age 30, I finally realized all the time wasted in fear. Ironically I was diagnosed with cancer a third time before my 31^st birthday.

Many people have fears in regard to aging. Aging does bring more medical concerns. I have experienced in my own life where people have said they had no idea what cancer was like until they went through it themselves. Cancer entered my life at such an early age there was no illusion of immortality. I appreciated every birthday even the most difficult one (34).

There was fear though. Recently I was involved with taking my five year old daughter to a Girl Scout camp. It became clear there was a lot I did not know. I have never used a sewing machine. I am not a "craft" type person. I do not know how to cook (much). Typical little girls learn these skills during years my entire focus was on cancer survival and the fear thereof.

My birthday was this past week and the sewing machine day happened along with it. I was surprised at the bitter tears that arrived when I was alone after this activity. Why didn't I learn this? Why didn't I try? The reason why I never learned is one word'"fear.

As I have been getting older and not living life in fear it has been clearer why people have such a fear of aging. As we age we lose loved ones with most to natural causes. A fear of death permeates many people's minds. Wrinkles, weight gain, and gray hair are reminders we all meet the same fate. If we are all destined to meet the same fate, we should embrace what happens before we meet it.

For childhood cancer survivors and perhaps those who survive other traumatic events, a fear of death is realized prior to aging. I am certain I am not alone in being amazed at living with the ability to see others have wrinkles, gain weight, and have gray hair. As my mom used to say, "The only alternative to growing older is one I am not willing to take yet."

Me neither mom, me neither.