Guide to Being a Self-Confident Woman

I began a blog called Tough Girl 101. I attempted to use that as a platform to encourage my personal brand of feminism - the "I can do what the boys can do" brand. It wasn't man-hating, it wasn't lip stick feminism, it was for the girls that weren't necessarily poster girls for women's rights, but were icons of individual rights.

I got an e-mail every once in awhile from sweet, shy girls who felt as though they were door mats. They were always getting pushed around, maybe even taken advantage of by friends and lovers. What they wanted, more than anything, was to stand up for themselves and have that backbone they seemed to lack.

After doling this advice a handful of times, I'm finally going to put it all down in an article, for the benefit of those girls who may have been too shy to talk to me.

1. Know the difference between Mean Girl and Tough Girl.

People often get these confused. They think that being tough equates being mean, when in reality it's the exact opposite.

Meanness is often a sign of insecurity, putting others down to make themselves feel better. These people must rely on threats to keep their friends because they lack the appeal to keep them by sheer strength of charisma and character. Worse yet, they often threaten those around them because they feel like they need people around them. That neediness can easily turn into desperation.

A Tough Girl on the other hand does not need anyone. Instead she picks and chooses who she wants to be around her. She needs neither social approval or social support because she is capable of self-reliance. Unlike the Mean Girl who is often like a leech, a Tough Girl has something to offer her friends, making the relationship mutually beneficial.

2. Independence from Men

From the day we see our first Disney movie, to the moment we start approaching romances and dramas we are given subliminal messages leading us towards a dependence on men. Even Jane Austen, who chose to remain unmarried, wrote novel after novel where the heroine's only happiness and salvation came in a heroic man-package (oops! Double entendre!)

It's hard to reverse years and years of conditioning, but once you realize that you are capable and complete on your own you'll not only be happy when you're alone, you'll also be infinitely happier when you've got a significant other too.

3. The Rock Climbing, skydiving, mixed martial arts etc. arent'a s important as...

... Saying what you mean. Tough Girls don't mix messages, they don't manipulate. They say what they mean, and that's it. It's blunt, abrasive, and sometimes catch people off guard, but this candidness shows an amazing strength of character that is the trade mark of a self confident woman.

... Leaving the Relational Aggression in High School. I once had a girl called Stephanie Hermosillo decide that she should send me angry emails for choosing to divorce my ex-husband. Not only was she ignorant of all the facts, she was also very hypocritical. Why was she mad? Because I wouldn't add her to my facebook. Why did she want me to add her? Well, she said she wanted to snoop and spy on me. Come on.

... Having the ability to stand up for yourself. This is what gets a lot of girls who are prone to people-pleasing. They have a hard time saying no, they have a hard time fighting back, they especially don't want to upset anyone. Instead they'd rather be the one that's upset for the sake of everyone else's happiness. On the one hand, it's admirable and self less. On the other hand, it's also self-destructive. At some point or another, all these nice girls need to learn that if they lose a friend or upset someone just because they say "no", then that friend was pretty worthless to begin with.

Conclusion

Being a Tough Girl really is just a state of mind. It's knowing your self-worth, knowing that being mean doesn't always get you your way. Tough Girls are independent, likeable and strong. Mos tpeople aspire to be like them. So what's keeping you?