Guide to Having a Comfortable "Talk" With Your Teen

Your daughter is twelve and you've been putting off that discussion concerning the sex and boys. But one day she comes home all excited and tells you that she has been asked out on a "date." A "older" boy, he is in the next grade up, asked her to go to the movies with him. Her voice wavers as she sees the instant disapproval on your face. She rushes on, trying to persuade you even before the argument begins. "Some of the other kids are going, too. We won't be alone, but he actually ask me to sit with him. That's kinda like a date, isn't it, Mom? "

You relax a little bit and smile. "It certainly sounds like one to me. And as long as some of the other kids will be there, I don't see any problem with it. Just keep in mind that Dad and I have some strict rules about dating. And you're way too young to be officially dating. But going to the movies with a group of your friends is what you already do every Friday night. I'm glad you told me about it, though, because I've been meaning to talk to you anyway about boys and dating. There's no one home but us right now. Dad won't be home for another couple of hours. How about we have a girl talk? Do you have to be anywhere right away?

If she answers no, then go ahead and have your discussion about the facts of life. In today's society, twelve is certainly not too young for this type of discussion, and in some instances, may be past due. Many parents find discussing sex with their children to be embarrassing and so they often delay it for as long as possible. However, when the kids start showing romantic interest in the opposite sex, it is definitely time for an honest discussion on the subject. Here are just a few tips that may make the discussion less embarrassing and uncomfortable for both you and your child.

First, always try to have the talk when you will have the time to be thorough and complete. You don't want to start it and then have to stop half way through to go pick someone up or start dinner. Or you don't want to start it if your child has ball practice in an hour's time. Talking about sex with you child is a very serious discussion and you don't want to be rushed through it. So pick an evening or weekend time that will allow you enough time to have the discussion.

Always try to arrange for a minimum of interruptions. Turn off the tvs and the ipods. Take the phone off the hook and turn off cell phones. Your child's phone, too. You can put it on silent if she is afraid she will miss a call. Since sex is a sensitive subject, interruptions will create an "escape" route for you or your child. It can delay the talk, which often leads to being forgotten about. So, set the stage for a quiet time to have your discussion.

Have your discussion in a neutral area, such as the kitchen or family room. Many parents want to talk about sex in their child's bedroom. This could cause the child more embarrassment or discomfort since this is their "private space." The kitchen really makes for a great place, as you can have a snack to help you get through any parts you are uncomfortable with. Having a glass of milk and a piece of cake in front of you gives you something to do with your hands. Sounds strange, but really, it helps especially if you are not used to talking about such issues. Another great spot is outside on the porch swing. Sitting side by side, instead of face to face, often makes it easier to talk and for your child to ask questions.

A very important thing to remember when talking about sex is to use the proper terms. Say the words clearly and as comfortably as you can. Don't use slang words for body parts or sexual acts. The correct terms often help make the the discussion more clinical and less personal, therefore, less embarrassing. Explain any terms your child does not understand.

Don't drag the discussion out. Make it as simple and direct as possible. But do allow your child time to understand what you are talking about. In other words, once you've had your talk, let it go. Just make it clear that you are available to answer any questions or concerns they have at any time.

Don't make the discussion personal. By keeping the conversation strictly impersonal, you make it easier for your child to ask questions that she may be curious about. And don't jump to conclusions if she asks you something. Many times kids will talk among themselves and she may want to ask you to explain something she has heard. That doesn't mean she has tried it or is even thinking about trying it.

Be honest when explaining what exactly sex is, what the dangers and consequences of unprotected sex are, and the moral issues related to sexual activities. This is a good time to relay what your views and values are. Then turn the floor over to them. Ask them if they have any questions or any views they want to express. Make sure they know that you will always be available for any discussions they may want to have in the future.

Last, always be honest when answering their questions. They may come back at you with a question about your first sexual activities. Be honest. If you started having sex at a young age, and maybe even had them as a result of it, then try to use your experience to help promote your discussion. Explain how hard it was having a baby at such a young age and some of the problems you faced.

Sex is a subject that every child will face sooner or later. By discussing it with your child, you are opening an invaluable line of communication concerning a very important issue.