Guidelines to Self-Disclosure

As explained earlier in the article, the act of self disclosure is between two humans and it reveals information deeply valued by the sender. This maybe a deeply kept secret, an influential event in the past or anything else that holds a very deep impression on the person. So the act of self-disclosure definitely involves "risks" and could spell "vulnerability." This article will list some of the critical steps one needs to take into consideration before taking part in this process.

a.) Who should I confide in?

The act of choosing who to confide in is the first step in self-disclosure. This person is known as the confidant. This can be a friend, a spouse, a family member, a doctor, or anyone you feel you want to and can confide in. When choosing this confidant, think about whether the person is important to you. Can you trust them? Do you think this person will use the information you tell them against you? Think of the possibilities that can arise. After all, you are going to tell them something only you or a few people know.

b.) What are your intentions?

Think about you intentions why you are disclosing yourself. What can you gain from disclosing yourself to this particular person? Are you looking for advice, intimacy, empathy or support? Do you just simply want to build a stronger relationship? Are you disclosing in order to counter something devastating that might happen in the future? Are you telling them this information so that they will not know it from others? Apparently, this kind of thinking is common to some people where in, it is better that one tells a devastating secret themselves to the other person that that same person hearing the information from somebody else.

c.) What are you disclosing?

Think about whether the information you are about to say is appropriate and reasonable. Are you telling too much? Don't just spill you beans. The information you disclose should be based on who your confidant is and what your intentions are. For example, if you are disclosing to your doctor, you can talk about how to stay healthy or the risks or possible consequences of a procedure. Whereas with your best friend, you can disclose information about you relationship with your spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend and get advice on how to make the relationship better. This may not be appropriate to discuss with your spouse itself because this might lead to biased arguments and thus one will not get the information one seeks and thus will lead to ineffective decisions.

d.) Should I take the place, time and state of mind of the person in consideration?

Definitely. There are some situations where you will reveal more and somewhere you will not. It's like finding the right place, time and "mood" or "feel" to pop the question.

In the same way you would not want to disclose something in an area where everyone can hear what you are saying; therefore you need to consider where you are at and whether it is an appropriate place so self-disclose. In addition, physical conditions of the confidant, such as stress moods or sickness could inhibit the confidant from fully appreciating disclosure this deeming the time inappropriate for the conversation. Also take into consideration your state of mind; are you furious, happy or sad? There are times when you will reveal certain things in one state of mind where you would not in another. As men would say, you should know how to create the mood.

e.) Should I be honest?

Well, a disclosure is not really a disclosure if what you are saying are uttering lies. You have to be absolutely honest. Furthermore, it would greatly help if you are straightforward as well. One should not be afraid to say one's feelings. This will also help the receiver understand where you are coming from and why you are feeling the way you do. This can also show the sincerity of you words. Although this is certainly easier said than done, being honest proves to be one of the most important aspect in any kind of relationship with other people because honesty is the only way one can be completely vulnerable to another. In showing one's weakness we can also show a multitude of other feelings, such as trust, dependence, camaraderie and many others. This is the only way we can be fully understood.

f.) Be prepared for the consequences.

Okay, so you decided to follow all the steps above. Let's say you chose your confidant, your wife/husband. You decided on your intentions; let's say you just wanted to stop lying to him/her because you were having an affair and start anew because you just realized how wonderful he/she is compared to your affair on the side. You set up a nice dinner for two with the perfect ambiance and all. You told her everything, honestly, with all your heart and soul. Everything's good now right? Well... who knows? This is the last part of disclosure and this is where you hope for the best and prepare for the worst. You tell him/her you were having an affair for example, do not expect everything to go on smoothly. Please don't. If you are lucky you will be forgiven. Worst case scenario, the relationship breaks. You should at least have a good idea of what's coming at you if you're doing something like this. Or let's say you just decided to share a very important part of your life that no one else had known but the one you are telling it to, even though you think that you could trust this person, still so not expect that they will not blabber it out to others. They may or they may not. If this was information that was not meant to be spread around, for example in the office, which might jeopardize your position, pray for the best and prepare for the worst. You decided to disclose yourself, then you must also have decided to accept the consequences.