Guilt, Prayer and Staying Clean

Hello, my friend, and thank you for joining me here again. By now, the last vestiges of physical withdrawal are truly history. I received three emails asking me about email or chat sponsorship. I just submitted an article saying my sponsor felt I should offer that. I sure take that as a positive sign. For right now, use the Associated content's tab to get a hold of me. I am debating whether to add an IM link. The strongest part of recovery is sharing. The premise of these articles is that some people HAVE to keep their recovery secret. I guess it is only natural that I offer a way to share via email. Again, any REAL emergencies get help. Do not keep dangerous feelings bottled up.

Alrighty then, let us go over what we are going to talk about today. Using my conversation with my sponsor and our first three talks as my guide, I think we need to touch on the following subjects today. The need to share, dealing with guilt, a little about the steps, and the importance of prayer should build up your set of tools for staying clean and enjoying it.

I understand that some life situations make having been addicted on opiates and now being clean a deep secret. So far, we have got clean together and that is fantastic. The rub is staying clean. Regardless of how we became dependent on drugs, we depended on them to get us through the daily struggles of life. Everybody has struggles, we have to have a strategy and a plan for us to stay off drugs when coping. Now, I truly respect all folk's religious beliefs (or lack of them) and do not want to tell you who your Higher Power is. I am a Christian so that is where my angle will be coming from in regards to prayer and spiritual matters. There is no way we are going to stay clean without God as you understand Him or Her, if that's what you are about. If I need and examples or citations, I am going to use the NKJV. I am a practicing Catholic but all followers of Christ can agree on the King James' Version.

The need to share has its basis on many levels. The phrase 'getting it off your chest' is around for a reason, and remember king Midas' barber? He dug a hole in the ground and whispered 'Midas has jackass ears' to ease the burden of carrying a secret. Things just do not seem so bad once they are out in the open, unless you are the Anthony's. (I could not pass that up. Mea Culpa.) I understand what it is like and wish I could have spilled my secret long ago. That is was what really compelled me to go online. Some good people just cannot tell anyone they know their predicament with drugs. We have almost two weeks clean together and it is very important for you to explore how you feel. If you want to post "I am clean!!!" anonymously on the comment tab, please do. Feel free to put your feelings and hopes there, too. Thank YOU for letting me share.

As much as I am trying to stick to an outline, occasionally you have to flip the script. I received an email from someone who has a month clean, thinks about using 'all the time', and wants to know if this is normal. Well, everyone's recovery is as unique as they are. I can go weeks without so much a thought and then it is nagging at me off and on for a day or two. I do not want to discourage anyone, just trying to be honest. We are going to have cravings and thoughts of using. It is that simple. Now that we do not have the shackles of dopesick on us, it is more a nag than anything else is.

Being a big fan of old monster movies, the mad scientist about to inject him gets me a little antsy. Since we are having some newly clean urges, let us go get a little reward for not using this long. Nothing big, it has not been a month yet, just a little thank you to us. An expensive coffee and a book maybe? A used PS3 game can be had for under $40 that is my favorite reward. The point is to not feel bad about wanting to use after getting clean. It is going to happen and if we give in all of our work will be tossed. Do you want to push a big round rock up a hill like Sisyphus and let it roll over you repeatedly? Me neither.

OK, back to our planned next topic, dealing with guilt. This is coming from a person whose previous mental makeup was built on a framework of guilt. LET IT GO. I used to tell myself it was a great motivator. Sponsors and folks who have a lot more clean time than I do say no. You let it climb on top of you and you will be using again before you know it. I do not necessarily agree that guilt causes most relapses but I do see their point. As the folks in the other fellowship say "Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink" and that fits here, too.

Feeling bad about what we have done to get our drugs, to use our drugs, and all the other wreckage caused by our use could keep us weeping for a lifetime. Solid contrition helps ease that burden and the longer we are not using, the lighter that burden becomes. It can be tough to keep in mind that being clean is a way of life. We have a whole lot of living left to do one day at a time. No person can turn back time so do not even dwell on it. This is not to say that it has all gone and done with. Recognize that wanting to make up for past mistakes is a fine way to get motivated. Beating yourself up over spilt milk is not going to help anything. Guilt is not going to be cleared up over a paragraph or three in a series about getting clean. Just be aware that some is normal, crippled by it is not.

While we are on the subject of sharing and guilt, let us talk about reading some good, solid recovery literature. What we need to do is download a pdf and look hard at the 12 steps. I know you cannot go to meetings right now, so I will not push them but please look at the steps. There will be links to them on this page. I think they end up on the lower left hand side. The first is one we really do need to acknowledge and embrace every morning, noon, and night. Just because we managed to get clean does not mean we admitted we were hooked. We discussed in the past that after the pain of dopesick fades we might think we can dabble again. As long as we admit to ourselves and maybe someone we really trust and love that, we were hooked, using stays in the shadows on many planes. It took a long time to accept the disease model of addiction and even that does not alleviate us of our moral responsibilities. We may be completely and absolutely powerless over our using drugs but we control HOW it affects our lives. We let ourselves be dug in deep. That hole does not magically vanish because we are over withdrawal and have not used for a while. In fact, we are clean only by grace of God; however, you want to call Him or Her. It is only by divine grace that we are going to be able to STAY clean. I know this is going to turn many folks off but buck up, trooper.

I am not talking about some angry super Pharaoh god or some Uber-meanie spy laying on the guilt whenever not busy punishing us. I mean the loving presence you feel after an earnest prayer. That beautiful feeling is God and the more we get of that, the better our struggle and life goes. Honestly, if it only took determination and intelligence to kick it, everyone reading these words would off. Those couple of times we were between connections is not what we are after. The rest of our lives, one day at a time, without drugs are what God wants for us. Feel free to substitute God with whatever your higher power is called. I would be hypocritical if I called Him anything but God, so that is how I will address Him for the rest of these articles. As long as you know in this ever-expanding universe that there is someone or something greater than you are that you can relate to, then you should be able to effectively pray. In addition, pray we shall :-), every morning upon waking for the strength to stay clean. As our day ends, it is a time for thanks because we did not use. For some of us it comes easy. Some may feel self-conscious and maybe even a bit silly. As time goes on that will disappear and your prayer, life will get richer and deeper.

Many words back and forth about that later, I promise. It is plenty for now. Just think about that indescribable presence before you go to sleep. I had an ex-sister-in-law tell me "Don't expect a f***ing parade because you aren't wrecking lives." Well, hissed to me may be a little closer to the truth. It is true and it may be painful but folks who have never been an addict will never know just how hard it is. Do not let that be a source of discouragement, just a little dose of reality. We have come a long way in a couple weeks and are starting to have real hope again. Thank you for visiting and reading this. I hope to see you again soon.