Guitar Lesson from Space: Developing Insane Style

Open mic night is looming. Your name is on the list. When the moment of truth arrives, will the world see you as just another Jim Croce imitator?

Never fear. This guitar lesson will teach you how to blow the ears off your audience and make smoke rise from their skulls. It's time to swap your G, C, and D chords for some creative dissonance. Turn the gain knob on your amplifier to ten, and let's have some fun!

Here are some tricks that will make Jimi Hendrix sound like Jimmy-crack-corn.

The Bends - Open your song by playing a single low note on your A string. At the same time, play a note that is a single step lower, but on your low E string. As you hold both notes, bend the E string up so that the dissonance resolves into the same note. This creates massive tension that dissipates into a mean growling sound. You create order from anarchy. (This isn't your mother's guitar lesson!)

Vicious pick slide - Turn your pick so that it is perpendicular to the strings. Now, run the edge of your pick quickly and evenly along the low E string. Are those your ears flying off?

String rake onslaught - Use the edge of your palm on your picking hand to mute your strings. Then, attack the strings with your pick, strumming in a percussive manner. That's a lesson you won't learn in school!

Feedback frenzy - End your searing guitar solo in a single long note. After picking the note, hold your guitar close to your amplifier and enjoy the soothing sounds of guitar feedback. This is also a great way to end a song.

Shake and break - There's more than one way to create vibrato. Hold a note, then exert some pressure on the neck of your guitar, shaking it slowly back and forth. Warning: This will definitely decrease the longevity of your guitar. But you plan on smashing it into the drum kit after your set anyway, right?

These are just a few of the fun things you can do to make your guitar playing sound unconventional. Just try to deviate from the norm, and soon you'll be teaching the lessons instead of paying for them or searching the Internet. Followers will amass to feed on your insane guitar sound.

That's it for today. If you've learned your lesson, you won't have to worry about being just another "Folky Joe Nobody" when the jam session commences. But don't expect any compliments. Your audience will be too busy getting up of the floor.