Guns Are Evil: A Satire

Guns are evil! Did you hear about all the mass murders recently? Guns are the culprit! Think of the innocent victims of all these guns! If it were not for guns these murders would not have happened. Now, Fox News and the radical right-wing media wants us to think that these crimes were committed by deranged human beings. How dare they? Do they not know how offensive that is to people with emotional issues to suggest that they are the culprits? No, the only culprits are guns.

Guns need to be banned and anybody who shoots guns hates children and puppies. Some may say that guns have legitimate purposes like hunting, target shooting, collecting, and self-defense. How idiotic can you possibly be? How can you be so sick and heartless as to shoot those cute, innocent furry animals. Don't you know that they are people too? Don't you know that they have families to feed? The hatred of Animal-Americans that is present among so many gun owners is no doubt a result of their racist ideals. They believe that rights belong only to people like them, but don't they know what Martin Luther King, Jr. said, that people shouldn't be judged by the furriness of their skin but by the content of their character? Hunters are EVILL!!!

And what about target shooting? No doubt that is only practice for mass murder in which the evil gun owners will gun down innocent children, which is why guns were invented in the first place. As for collecting, it is quite clear that rich, white, Christian, males desire to collect guns because of the perverse symbol of murder that they represent in order to reinforce their hate-based power over minorities, womyn, animals, atheists, and members of nature-worshipping religions such as Wicca and neo-paganism. It is quite clear that guns represent the masculine force in our society and fail to equally represent the sacred feminine aspects of womynkind. And self-defense? What about the innocent criminals. They were abused as children and live in abject poverty, and now you demand the right to shoot them when they try to kill you? No, the criminals are the REAL VICTIMS of a sick and twisted society who are simply trying to unleash their angst on the capitalist bourgeoisie overlords!

I don't get how anybody can support gun rights. Guns are evil and Satanic and kill people. Guns are evil! Guns are evil! Guns are evil! Ban all guns. There is no legitimate use for guns! Don't listen to the emotional hyperbole of the NRA and radical gun activists. The Founding Fathers actually never intended for there to be a right to own guns in the Constitution, they were actually talking about the right to wear t-shirts when they spoke of the right to bear arms. And even if they did it doesn't count because they were racist and sexist (unless something they said supports what I believe, in which case we can look past all of that). Of course, this very intelligent op-ed will no doubt be countered by the emotional arguments of the insane, racist, sexist, anti-animal, xenophobic, anti-everything other than conservative Christians, far-right NRA. My degree from Elite Eastern University trumps anything they say, anyway.

BAN ALL GUNS!!!

Sincerely, AP, Director of the Center For Ridding Our Society of All Guns