H1N1 Dilemma

I'm kind of confused about Swine flu, or as it is now called H1N1. First of all, why do we have to rename everything? I just processed the Swine flu thing so that my ears pick up when it was mentioned on the news. (I like to remain informed.) Because of the name change for the politically correct, I feel as though I have missed a couple of months of important information. I thought H1N1 was a North Korean prison camp for a while.

I have received the flu shot in past years, but I don't remember so many conflicting reports associated with them. Now I'm not so sure. I keep seeing interviews with severely afflicted people saying "Don't get the shot!" Images like that almost make me want to take my chances with the evil Miss Piggy and live like Adrian Monk for a few months.

When we first became aware of this flu, didn't my president rush to the front of the pack and take the lead in protecting us from the looming pandemic? Between changing the name and going back and forth about the effectiveness of the shot and who should get it, I'm beginning to think his efforts are going to help me about as much as his Recovery Act.

As I understand it, I can help protect myself by using a little common sense. I should wash my hands frequently. Ok, I can understand that. Those creepy little buggers could be lurking on surfaces that I might touch. Got it. I still have a couple of concerns about the advice, though.

I need to cough or sneeze into my armpit or elbow rather than my hands. That makes sense, although I won't be wearing my favorite crispy white linen blouse for a while. I practiced this maneuver a few times and found that I end up with my nose stuck in the bend of my arm, and my mouth hanging out under it. Didn't we decide it's impossible to kiss your elbow? How's that working? Try it and you'll see what I'm talking about. I mean, the effort is nice, but it's not preventing spittle from flying from you to your unsuspecting neighbor.

Those handy bacterial wipes are supposed to work pretty well, but the plastic container should have a strap on it so we can sling it over our shoulders. I can't fit it in my purse. Why don't I use the small packs of wipes? Because I can't get the damn things open. They are encased in a nuclear wrapping that must be pierced with a sharp object to be opened, and I'm not allowed to carry a sharp object.

It is strongly suggested that any one that shows symptoms of being sick stay home from work or school. This is my favorite. I stay home everyday, being retired. If I come down with the flu, what then? Should I be banished to my room and have my meals left outside my bedroom door? If we all get sick at once, who cooks? If the pandemic hits in the magnitude predicted, who's going to run the country? More important, who will be around to run the cable company? Yikes! I can't stay locked up in my room with no TV!

If I get the shot and still get the flu, can I sue someone? Anyone? If I die from it, can the nephew sue on my behalf? (He told me to ask that.) I dunno. I appreciate all the help and advice the government and health professionals are giving us, but somehow I just can't stop thinking that we are mere guinea pigs in this Swine flu H1N1 dilemma. I'm sure that the next time it rolls around, we'll be all set with a vaccine that will actually prevent it. Maybe that was the plan all along.

In the meantime, I guess I'll get the regular flu shot, put my favorite take out on red alert for extended deliveries, and practice sneezing and coughing into my left arm. That one works better. Oh, wait. I just heard about a report that says the vaccine was released too late, since the flu peak for H1N1 will be the end of this month. Go figure. Now what am I supposed to do? This whole thing makes John Kerry's wind surfing "waffling" commercial look innocuous. I'm going to get my anthrax suit and mask from the post office.

To read more from this Monk-ette click here