Handling Fights in Front of the Children: What Parents Need to Know When Fighting

Fighting among couples is inevitable. But doing it in front of the children may cause too much harm on their emotional and psychological development even though the fight is not directed at them.

Children can amazingly pick up emotional cues from people they love. Whether it is a verbal argument or the silent treatment, children know what's going on. These everyday squabbles may be "normal" for the couples, but may be too catastrophic for the children.

The Pennsylvania State University College of Medicine headed a research that showed: (a) children as young as 6 months will cry when they see or hear their parents fight; (b) a one-year old child will hug or wipe the tears of their parents in an effort to halt the argument; and (c) toddlers and preschoolers often conclude that it is their fault why their parents argue.

Unfortunately, children don't realize that when parents fight, they still love each other and they still love their children. They are terrified by the noise generated by arguments. These often lead to aggression and behavioral problems.

Another study conducted by the University of Minnesota and the University of Notre Dame show that the stress levels of children increase while witnessing their parents fight. They exhibit increased heart beat rate, more sweat gland activity and faster breathing. In addition, children from "high-conflict" homes tend to get sick more frequently, are more aggressive, and experience more depression, anxiety, and sleep problems as compared to children from "low-conflict" homes.

Some parents believe that fighting in front of the children actually builds their character. But in contrast to strengthening their character, the physical and verbal fights make their children more sensitive. Their immaturity makes them unable to process their feelings when things go awry, making them vulnerable to stress.

On the other hand, if you protect your child from upsetting experiences, he will grow with an abiding optimism. This positive outlook will give him the strength and flexibility to face the different challenges he will be facing while growing up.

And since marital conflict cannot be avoided, it doesn't mean arguments should be kept inside the bedroom. In fact, it is ok for parents to argue in front of the children as long as it is a controlled discussion. The children may benefit from seeing their parents work out things. They can learn that it is alright to feel angry but it is not alright to hurt anyone.

Physical abuse, name calling, threats of leaving and throwing of things should be avoided. Topics such as in-laws, money, and sex should be avoided, as well. And never, ever argue about children in their presence. This has the biggest negative impact, resulting to self-blame and guilt. Pick up your child's stress to slow down and stop fighting.

Your children are a reflection of how you raised them. So be a good parent in order for your children to be good and responsible citizens.

Sources:

Nithyakala Karuppaswamy and Judith A. Myers-Walls, Ph.D, "The Effect of Divorce on Children: What Makes a Difference", www.ces.purdue.edu
Sara Eleof, "An Exploration of the Ramifications of Divorce on Children and Adolescents", ChildAdvocate
Mohit Joshi, "Children Distressed by Parental Fights have Higher Stress Levels", TopNewsHealth