Handling Holiday Stress

I just love the holiday season. The lights, music, TV shows and just that warm happy feeling. But when Thanksgiving and Christmas roll around so does the stress.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are a wonderful time for families to get together. Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, cousins, in-laws & even out laws can cause a lot of friction when all jammed together into one house. You haven't seen each other so you want to spend as much time as you can, kids schedules are messed up, family members who are not fond of each other fight upsetting everyone else and sometimes smiles turn to tears.

My family like most celebrates Thanksgiving and we do that by visiting my far away family. My husband & I take our three children to visit my sister, brother in law and my parents. We have about a 6-7 hour drive which can be difficult with kids. We like most pack a car full of stuff, cots for the kids to sleep on, blankets, toys, clothes and tons of other stuff. We all pack into the van and start the drive. Once we arrive we are overjoyed to see family we haven't seen in months and the kids run free after being cooped up in the car.

I am sure millions of people do this each year for the holidays and stress can build up during a time that is suppose to be wonderful. So I want to share some ways we try to keep the stress. I'll share stress that affect my family personally and stress that may affect other families.

1. Distance - Some family may live close, others far away. If you have to travel to get to get where you are going just getting ready to leave can be stressful.

I always make a point to make two lists before we leave for a trip. The first list is THINGS TO DO BEFORE WE GO which includes things like: Turn off heaters, take out garbage, stop the newspaper and mail stuff like that. The other list is THINGS NOT TO FORGET. This includes stuff that are things we normally don't pack list like a special gift for a family member, new medicines, a child's special stuffed toy they can't sleep without and other items we can not forget.

My children are now just about old enough to pack their own special bags for the car. Each child will pack a back pack full of stuff to keep themselves entertained during the long car ride. Sometimes before a trip we'll go to the dollar store and let them pick out coloring books, pack of crayons, a small toy and stuff like that. The fact that the stuff is new is exciting enough to make them beg for us to leave sooner.

Other stresses families may deal with is that they live to far away for one side of the family to pack up and take off work long enough to go visit for just a few days. Maybe you can work out a deal that family A can come visit one year and next year family B will do the traveling. This way all the stress to pack up and come visit isn't just on one side of the family.

Newlyweds will find this time stressful because each spouse will want to be with their family so they don't know what to do. When I was a newlywed my husband's family was very close by but my family was 8hrs away. Since we rarely saw my family we agreed to spend Thanksgiving with them. Other couples settle this by having Thanksgiving lunch with one side of the family and supper with the other.

Also remember Thanksgiving doesn't have to be on Thanksgiving. Since my family visit my side of the family for Thanksgiving Day the weekend before my mother in-law will make Thanksgiving dinner and we'll celebrate them.

2. Not Child Friendly - Going to Grandma's house (or someone else's) house may be more stressful for a mom than fun. Grandma's house may not be very child friendly to a crawling baby or toddler who falls down a lot.

I remember when my kids were young I felt like I was chasing them around almost every second yelling NO! My husband & I tried one year to bring a gate to keep my wandering child in one area but that didn't work out. Sometimes calling Grandma to explain this problem may be all it takes. She can put up her breakable and keep dangerous stuff out of curious hands. If she is unable or won't put things away the visit can be very stressful.

My husband & I one time set up chairs to block off a kitchen entrance. Our toddler was able to see the blockage and would turn around. Other times we'd get her a small new toy (one we had gotten out a Happy Meal or something) and the new toy would keep her busy for a little while. We'd also move stuff ourselves. We'd see something she shouldn't touch or something breakable and we'd tell my mom or dad that we had to put it up.

So if you are going to a home or even hotel that is not child friendly then I'd suggest planning ahead & get creative. I often worried my child might lock themselves in the hotel bathroom or even at a family members home. We'd throw towels over the hotel bathroom door to prevent this from happening. We'd do the same to the bedroom my kids were sleeping at my sister's house.

3. Bored Children - Kids can get bored while adults sit around talking. Plus kids are in a different environment and grandma may not like them running through the house playing hiding go seek.

So what is a parent to do? My kids are allowed to pack one back pack full of toys and stuff to keep them entertained. This is for the car and while visiting. So they usually have coloring books and a few toys to play with. Also my mom collects Happy Meal toys and prizes for the kids during the year. They are thrilled to have new things when they go to see her. So this is usually enough to keep them happy and busy. Other times my sister has given them simple things like paper, pencils and stickers. This will keep my younger two very busy.

Growing up I was the oldest of all the kids on both sides of my family. Each time we go together I'd round everyone up and we'd plan a play. We'd work on the play till that one special night then show off for the family. We loved it and it kept us busy for hours. You can start this new tradition in your family too. Just tell the kids to do like a talent show or even suggest they write the play themselves.

4. Eating - When you are with extended family you may eat out at restaurants or at someone's home but problems can come up. There are picky eaters, food issues with a diet or medical problem, budgets to worry about and more.

Growing up I was a very picky child. I remember eating hot dogs while the rest of the family ate their thanksgiving dinner. I have tried hard no to pass on my pickiness to my own children. They are encouraged to try new things and not yell YUCK when they see strange food on their plates. But things happen. If your child is very picky or screams "EWWW" when Aunt Susan puts some of her famous mashed potatoes on his plate what are you to do?

Different families handle get togethers differently. I like the buffet set up where you can serve yourself. This is helpful with picky children since they can pick out what they like and don't like. If you see nothing you're child likes or even you like it can cause a very uncomfortable situation. If it is your side of the family you may have no problem walking up to your mom or grandmother requesting to make a sandwich instead. But if you are visiting an in-law things can get uncomfortable. Or what if you are unable to eat what is being served due to diet or health issues?

I'm still pretty picky and also due to health problems I can't eat certain foods or they will cause me a lot of pain. Just this year I learned I can't eat a lot of foods due to a painful bladder issue and it can be pretty embarrassing sitting at a family gathering with hardly anything on your plate. Plus you worry about embarrassing the host. If you can talk to the host ahead of time that may help the situation. If it is someone from your own family you can make them aware of the health issues you have and what foods you need to avoid. You can offer to help cook if you like. But if you are going to your in-laws you may feel uncomfortable telling your mother in law you can't eat her wonderful cranberry sauce then you can ask your husband to speak to his family for you or just don't take any.

Children make messes while they eat. This is a known fact. My parents don't have a children's table where the kids can eat their meals. So they usually end up sitting on a blanket with their food. This works out well but still the idea of my kids walking around my mom's house with a plate in their hand makes me nervous. My husband and I usually watch them with the eye of a hawk!

Eating out with large groups can be a hassle too. You have to wait a long time for a table, people get tired waiting and are hungry. Stress can rise. So be open to breaking up in small groups to get a table quicker. The fact of sitting still for long time can tough on a child too so be understanding if they whine and wiggle.

5. Late Nights - When visiting family this can put your normal day to day schedule out of whack. I enjoy visiting my parents and sister. There have been nights I've enjoyed sitting talking to my mom and sister but my kids refuse to go to sleep till mommy get to bed too. Or if you are planning to sleep on the living room sofa you may other family members gathered in the kitchen laughing and talking which is keeping you up.

I remember the days when my daughter was a baby and she was worn out from the long day. She was so tired but other family members were walking around talking and being loud. This kept her up, she was crying and well my husband & I were stressed. The situation wasn't help by family members asking me what was wrong with my baby. I couldn't tell them that they were the problem!

Times like this is when you'd love your family to be understanding to your needs. But it often doesn't work out that way. Usually you just have to tough it, take the baby a room with you, shut the door and do your best.

Problems like this will arise when different families gather under one roof. Usually I've found the best way to handle is to just bite your tongue and deal with it. I make a point to try to be respectful to their enjoyment too but it can be hard.

So when you see your own little ones growing sleepy try to make the group aware so they can say goodnight to the children. You can announce in a cute loud voice "Looks like the sandman is waiting for, Emily." Then let your child make their rounds and say goodnight to everyone. Hopefully this will cue people to tone it down so the kids can sleep.

If you can when you arrive to where you will be sleeping show your child where they will sleep and make it sound fun and exiting. My kids love sleeping in new places but I know other kids can be scare during these times. My children sleep on cots and love preparing them for the night. When it is time to go to sleep we try to follow our normal bed time routine of brushing teeth, going to the bathroom and saying good night. We turn out the lights and as usual they will come out a few times to tattle, complain or something. It is hard for kids to settle to sleep in a new place. So expect this. After awhile your child should settle down and go to sleep. Most of the time they are worn out from the busy day.

Other issues that may come up when stay away from home are simple things like sleeping in a different bed which can cause back ache, hot or cold rooms, someone snoring interrupting your sleep and just being in an unfamiliar place. If the room you sleep is normally hot you can bring a small fan to help move the air around the room. If the room is cold ask for extra blankets or bring your own. I always bring my own pillow since it is hard to sleep on anything else. If you have an uncle who snores loud bring a set of eat plugs to help block out the noise. An eye mask may come in handy if the room you sleep in has to much light shining in to it.

6. Criticizing or "Scrooge" type family members - Some family members can be VERY judgmental. We all have someone or maybe more than one person like this in our family. This can be due to personality or someone just trying to be helpful. I love the show "Everybody Loves Raymond". Ray's mom is a sweet loving mom who happens to come across as very criticizing because she says things out of love. Or so she claims.

So what do you do when your Uncle tells you that you should be making more money than you do by now? Or how do you handle your mother in law telling you know one will eat your pie because isn't sweet enough?

I try to handle situations like this by biting my tongue and smiling. Sometimes it isn't worth it to get into a battle someone. Usually it is best to tell the person thank you for their input. They may be the type of person who ends up criticizing others because they arereally are just trying to be helpful.

But other people just have the "Scrooge" type personality. This can bring the whole family down and you do not want that. Do you have a family member who walks into a beautiful room and all they see is the tiny tear in the wall paper far off in the corner? Sometimes they can make you just want to scream!

I've learned to let people like this just roll off of me. I try hard to ignore their comments and almost try to act even more joyful! Let's say you are gathered with your family and your great aunt makes a rude comment about the way your nephew is dressed. You can smile and if you are sitting near her pat her kindly on the arm and say, "I remember some of the crazy clothes I wore as a teenager. You would have had a fit. What was it like when you were a teen?" This way you direct the conversation to her and I must say we all love to talk about ourselves. Once she starts talking make sure to smile sweetly at your nephew too. This way his feelings won't be hurt.

All in all when dealing with difficult family members it is best to know you are not alone. The whole family has to put up with them. Most of the time you just need to remember people like this are unhappy. Joyce Meyer, a Christian writer and speaker once said "Hurting people hurt people." So try to remember the family member who seems to tempted to spoil your family get together is really unhappy themselves, but they may just very unlikely to admit it.

Having children around a family member like this may be hard too. It is hard when a child asks, "Why did Aunt Kara say that bad word?" or they ask "Why is Granddad fighting with Uncle Chris?" Children can't understand family disagreements so it may be confusing. You can always take them out of the room and explain how everyone fights. Just how he fights with his sister explain that even grown ups can say the wrong thing.

Closing - Everyone hopes for an eventful and happy time together with their family but stress does happen. Sometimes we try just to hard for that picture perfect family get together. So if the kids whine in the car during a long car trip, your brother insists on playing Twister with the kids at 10pm or you can't sleep due to your grandfather snoring in the next room tell yourself that you're not alone. Millions of other people are sleeping on a hard sofa fold out this holiday season too. Just smile, keep filming when your son knocks over his Kool-aid on Grandma's nice table cloth and be thankful you have a family!