Handling Life with Self Compassion

Everyone of us needs a good support system to handle life's storms and disappointments. Most of us look to our family, close friends, or our spiritual groups for that support. While these are all good options, why not start with the most easily accessible person in our lives--one's self.

Compassion for one's self is critical to success and happiness. After all, one's Mom, best friend, or spiritual adviser may not be readily available when a personal crisis presents itself. If we could just learn to be as kind to ourselves in the hard times as we would be to a good friend, we could establish a self-reliant, built-in support system that was ever ready. This would enable us to weather those ups and downs with much more ease and consistency.

Self-esteem is not what we are talking about here. The esteem that we hold ourselves in can leave us lacking at the very moment we feel that we have messed up in life or when we doubt if we are smart enough or pretty enough for a specific situation. When we base our self worth on certain good qualities recognized by others, any self doubt of these qualities can be devastating leaving us to resort to defensiveness, irritability, or isolation. This in turn can drive others away just when we need them most. Self compassion, on the other hand, helps us appreciate ourselves for whom we really are which includes all our individual quirks and habits in the "you-ness" that is "you-nique" in each of us.

So let's start by realizing we don't have to be perfect. After all, nobody is, right? Our very uniqueness is what makes us wonderful. When we are feeling defeated, overwhelmed, and ineffective, let's show ourselves the compassion we show others. If we tell ourselves that we are not perfect but we are wonderful, we are allowing ourselves to be real. Let's also be self-compassionate by realizing that we are only human. We all have faults and should readily accept this as a part of our human condition. Admitting to our faults as part of being human keeps us from harshly judging ourselves. We would never use harsh words with a dear friend who is need of kindness or when that friend is displaying a human weakness. We would encourage them with much understanding of their human vulnerability.

Another key to self-compassion is learning to face our fears. Hurt caused by a failure or pain from what someone else thought of something we've done can be debilitating. Instead of trying to block the hurt or pain, we should face it head on, deal with it, and most importantly, move past it. Letting ourselves feel the pain is the kindest thing we can allow ourselves. This can actually help it to pass more quickly. The hurt or pain is manageable, avoiding it is what leads to destructive behaviors that compound, such as, over-eating or over-spending, or worse. So instead of using distractions to avoid the painful feelings someone's words or actions cause us, we should just feel the emotion for what it is and let it go. Realize while it does hurt, it will heal.

Learn a little from every mistake we make. This form of self compassion can take the sting our of people's criticisms or disappointments. Setbacks should be used as learning tools. Let's use our mistakes as useful information to avoid the same mistakes in the future. Don't focus on failures, focus on not repeating what caused us not to succeed.

The keys to showing ourselves self compassion are: 1) to learn to be as kind to ourselves as we would be to a friend, 2) realize that we are not perfect, we are human, 3) face our fears head on to avoid self-destructive habits, 4) use our mistakes as learning tools and feedback.

The whole idea is that being as kind to ourselves as we would a good friend provides us with an ever ready support system. We can handle life's storms and disappointments with a greater degree of ease. Beyond that, we become better support for those around us by having more compassion for them as well.