Handling Pan

Based on recent news, I guess it's time to update the old expression: behind every good man, there is a good-sized bunch of women.

Everybody in the world knows Tiger Woods. And everybody in the world knows that he's married. Everybody, it seems, except Tiger Woods.

According to one of those reliable news sources that keep us entertained at the grocery checkout with headlines like "Oprah Begins New Diet After Eating Radioactive Alien Baby Born to Brad & Angelina," famous pro golfer Tiger Woods has been spending a bit too much time in the rough; lingering over-long in the long grass. While playing the golf course of his connubial commitments, Tiger cheated on his scorecard.

His wife finally caught on, due to Tiger's clever ploy of reading emails from a mistress while his wife was standing right behind him. Then, according to sources, she presented her ruling, got teed off, and teed up upside his head.

Hours later, after she had killed his car, Tiger's handlers spirited him away, announcing to the press that he was a victim of Sax Addiction. Tiger then checked in for a few weeks of Twelve-Side-Steps therapy at the exclusive Palm Springs rehab center, "Kutton Corners," where he underwent a brutal detoxification regimen that required him to surrender all his Marvin Gaye CDs.

Of course, somebody soon unearthed the mistress, who described herself as "a victim" and "like, totally devastated and stuff" and "currently entertaining movie offers." The poor victim, it turns out, was a bit of a celebrity herself, having starred in a whole series of movies, the kind of movies that rarely bother with a sustained plot, and almost never include any television evangelists.

As this news broke, Victim Radar Alerts went off at the compound of celebrity attorney Gloria "Vlad" Allred, the biggest land shark of all time. Mme. Allred, whose business card budget exceeds the GDP of several European nations, leapt off the back of an ambulance and spot-welded herself to the ex-film queen. She dragged the poor victim on TV to cry in public, and furiously began looking for accusatory angles so she could get busy suing people.les so she can sue somebody.

It didn't take long. Apparently, at some point during their affair, the film star fell in love with Tiger, after he shared with her those magical words that every love-struck woman wants to hear: "There's no other woman in my life but you, and my wife." And then he broke her heart.

No. Who saw that coming?

Now, to be fair to Tiger, I saw a film clip of the jilted woman, standing in profile, just after Ambulance Allred's tort-a-thon. And as a lover of art, I bow in respect. I always like to hunt for that just-right word, and in this situation, that word is "Wow." I have no doubt that Tiger loved her...for a minute. She was something. When the jiltee stood up and swung sideways, she knocked over a ficus in the next room. I mean, the woman is Thelma AND Louise.

And this week, Tiger showed up in a well-orchestrated, tightly-scripted, televised apology, which certainly had its memorable moments, like when Tiger stared into the camera and said, "I just want to say that [pause-mississippi-1, pause-mississippi-2, pause-mississippi-3] I'm sorry."

The speech had some subliminal elements, too: "I am very sorry [Nike], but you [Gillette] should know that I am now totally [Titleist] focused on my [Wheaties] recovery and my [Trojan] family's recovery."

And then there were some somber insights:

"I accept that I am one of the three most well-known humans on this planet, but I must insist that the press just ignore this whole story."

"No, my wife has never, ever attacked me or any of my fleet of cars. And no, those are not tire tread marks. It's a, uh, a tattoo."

Lastly, Tiger thanked his mom and then informed the world, on national television, that he is a flutist.

And then it all made sense. Flutist! He's come face-to-face with his Sax addiction. Tiger admits that he's a pupil of Pan, that famous, flute-playing half-man, half-goat...history's most infamous, carefree, party half-animal. The saxophone was simply his gateway drug, inexorably leading to the flute! And the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem! Obviously, they're making some very positive progress down there at Kutton Corners.

Even the Dalai Lama popped up to offer some redemptive advice, mostly revolving around the role of self-discipline, and the importance of keeping your trailing arm straight when using a long iron. The holy man then took the opportunity to announce his brand-new album, "Yak Kitty Sax," featuring that one-note favorite, "Taking Om Chants On Love."

But the bitter ex-mistress, we now know, was just Victim Number One. Tiger's been caught in so many personal indiscretions that he's now become eligible to run for public office in South Carolina.

I know, I know. Technically, this would qualify his candidacy in just about any other state, too. But it's not the same. Those other states are just pikers. South Carolina is in a league of its own. Remember, we have a Governor who confuses carnal knowledge with camping out; who thinks Argentina is part of the Appalachian trail.

Still not convinced? We've also got a guy in South Carolina, a private citizen, who was charged with Biblically knowing a horse.

Twice.

And it was the same horse.

No matter. With this target-rich bimbo eruption, Tiger is bound to get sued. According to sources, his wife is putting together a revised pre-nuptial agreement that'll dwarf Gloria Allred's business card budget. But who knows? Maybe he can cop a plea:

Judge: Mr. Woods, you stand accused. How do you plead?

Tiger: Mulligan, your honor.

So let's all wish the man well. Let's hope he can kick the flute monkey, stay off the sax, and put Pan behind him. After all, we don't know what demons he's dealing with. Personally, I've never seen a half-man, half-goat.

But someday, I would like to see that horse.