Handling Uncomfortable Issues While Writing Inmates

Imagine you've been writing to one or more inmates for several months or even more than a year now and things have gone well for you and your inmate pen pal. You've gotten to know each other now and have established a good routine and understand one another temperaments. Then out of the blue your inmate pen pal asks you for money, citing its really important, confesses he or she has romantic feelings for you or begins to ask you about personal information such as banking, where you went to school at or what town you grew up in. How should you handle these issues?

From the outset you must set up for yourself rules to abide by when corresponding with inmates. If you use the services of an inmate pen pal company, these rules are usually set up for you, making it easy to fall back on "policy" when you decline to provide certain information or sending money. For help on locating an inmate pen pal company, click here. Some rules include: Never send money, photos, your real address, your last name, your real name, the name of your employer, your bank information, wealth status, previous names you've gone by, your social security number and more.

When an inmate begins to tread on these boundaries, even if its only once in a great while (some people are willing to wait years to siphon information from you bit by bit over time), use a phrase to indicate they must have forgotten the rules either established for you or rules you've established on your own. For example, "Oh (Name,) in your last letter you explained you needed me to send you money for (cause, reason, etc...). You must have forgotten I cannot provide this to you according to the rules of the (pen pal agency). Please ask your local Chaplain for resources or organizations that might be able to provide this type of assistance. Let me know how it works out!" and move on with your letter.

Sometimes an inmate will ask you provide various types of assistance for family members or friends on their behalf. If you know of any organizations, such as the United Way, the inmate can contact directly provide the contact information of the organization to the inmate and reply with a phrase such as, "(Name), I cannot contact this organization or contact these people for you because of the rules that (agency) has put into place, but here is the contact information of one place I know of that you can contact directly." Another example could be, "(Name,) we've been writing for so long and it's such a privilege to be able to write you. I'm only able to write you (and or other inmates) because of the boundaries I have in place and one of those is that I cannot contact agencies for you. What I can do is provide you with the contact information so you can write directly. If this is not possible for you, please reach out to the Chaplain's office for assistance. Let me know how it turns out OK?" and move on with your letter.

It can be especially tricky and difficult when an inmate confesses romantic feelings for you that you do not share. Perhaps thinking of you is one of the ways the inmate finds emotional stability in their life. Perhaps imagining a future together with you is one way an inmate finds hope for life returning to "normal" after their pending release. Remember the conditions and lifestyle the inmate must live with and endure day after day. Remember they are just trying to fill a psychological need that all human beings share: routine, a sense of normalcy, peace and true acceptance by another person in our life.

If you find yourself in this situation, let some extra time pass more than normal before you write back. This gives both of you time to cool off to your initial emotional reactions. The inmate will think "Should have I done that?" and you'll have time to remember your own wants, needs boundaries and realistic perspective on the situation. If romance is not what you wanted and you've taken steps in the past to avoid this, be polite up front when you write back and gentle. "(Name,) in your last letter, you (address what they wrote). I have to tell you, I do not feel the same way. There is no easy way to say that. I cherish our friendship and I'm so glad to be apart of your life this way. When you get out (if that inmate is getting out), remember there is someone for everyone (if you truly believe that) and at least by you knowing where I stand, it frees you up to find the person you're truly romantically able to be with." You could go on, "Think of it this way, you and I have been writing for all this time, ask me for advice on women/men and what I think about certain situations. Use that as a springboard to decide for yourself what you want. It can be scary to think about moving on out of you get of there, but realize you can do it with the support of organizations, ministries, local churches, etc...and that allows you to become the person you want to be. The person you're suppose to be and then you can offer that part of yourself to the one you're truly meant for. How cool is that? I'm sorry that isn't what you wanted to hear, but I had to be honest with you. I hope you'll still write."
For more considerations on writing inmates click here.