Harrison Ford's Firewall Comes Up Short

Firewall thinks it's a thriller. It's not.

Uh-uh. It wants to be a big, nasty Harley Davidson motorcycle but when you compare it to other movies in the genre, it's an old squeaky bicycle with a busted headlight, two flat tires and a new paint job.

A grim-faced Harrison Ford doggedly pedals this clunker as fast as he can but Firewall goes around in circles, unable to avoid dozens of pothole-sized cliches before it mercifully crashes into a dead end.

Don't be feeling too sorry for Harrison, though. I'm sure his agent didn't pull out a gun and say, "Do this movie or I'll shoot your dog!" It's a mystery to me why anybody who has both Han Solo and Indiana Jones on his resume would do junk like Firewall.

Still, if you think Harrison has it bad, how about Virginia Madsen, who-unlike her co-star-isn't a rich ex-carpenter? After her Oscar-winning performance as Maya in Sideways, is this the best she could do? No matter what color lipstick they put on this pig of a movie it's just another thankless role as a kidnapped "Oh honey, please be careful" housewife.

But what happened to Madsen isn't uncommon. Oscar or not, once actresses hit their 40s they have to work harder than they should to find good roles in Hollywood mainstream films. (Remember Jane Fonda's Monster-In-Law? How about watching Jane Seymour pay the rent in Wedding Crashers? And then there's poor Joanna Cassidy trying not to look embarrassed in Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector) A few wrinkles here, a gray hair there and before you know it, sock puppets like Katie Holmes are taking your job.

And what are the choices, usually? Housewives, boozy prostitutes, bitter ex-CEOs whose naked ambition drives men away or sex-crazed grandmas.

OK, I'm not saying guys can't make Bad Movies. What's the last good movie Harrison Ford did? I bet Sean Connery is still flogging his idiotic agent for advising him to turn down Lord of The Rings for-only God knows why - The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. As to why Rip Torn did the vile Freddy Got Fingered, the only two answers that come to mind are: 1) Greed or 2) Blackmail. The point is, all those Grumpy Old Actors had a choice. And still do.

However, call me an open-minded skeptic who charitably sees the glass of beer as half-full, but I think things are getter better. In the not-so-good old days, the only available options were for actresses who wanted to keep working was selling ugly jewelry on the Home Shopping Network, a new career as a TV talk show host, becoming a film director as Penny Marshall did or doing an off-Broadway revival of Sweet Charity.

But now there's another place women can go where they don't have to squeeze into drab, ill-fitting stereotypes: Television. It's no longer the boob tube, an idiot box or a vast wasteland. The majority of shows on television today are innovative, smart and well-written. What's more, it's giving actresses roles commensurate with their talent.

Wasn't it great to see Glenn Close take off that stupid Cruella DeVil wig and instead portray a tough precinct captain confronting Michael Chiklis' crazed pit bull of a cop Detective Mackey in The Shield? After playing a (yawn) generic housewife who gives birth to a talking white mouse in Stuart Little, how good do you think Geena Davis feels being President of The United States in Commander in Chief? Didn't Tyne Daly single-handedly make Judging Amy worthwhile?

Unlike movies-where it's easier to distract the audience with car chases and explosions-the episodic nature of television demands strong, well-defined characters that you care enough about to visit every week. On programs like Law and Order, Without A Trace, Wit, Grey's Anatomy, Six Feet Under, If These Walls Could Talk, The Sopranos, and CSI, women can finally act their age without being punished for it.

Yeah, TV could be better. For example, if you ask me, Desperate Housewives is a trashy soap opera with a new car smell. But usually, the women that I see in my living room are going to be much more interesting than the ones I see in a movie theater.

In the film Sunset Boulevard, I'm reminded of that famous scene where William Holden is a dirtbag ex-screenwriter who says to the delusional actress Norma Desmond," Oh, yeah-you used to be big." Outraged, Norma proudly replies: "I am big! It's the movies that got small!"

Isn't it ironic that the only venue big enough for women these days is a 42-inch television screen?