'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' Abridged: The Cynical Version

After seven novels, a spin-off book of wizard fairy tales that wasn't that good, and eight movies, the story of The Boy Who Lived Harry Potter draws to its conclusion with the release of the final film "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2." The lovable wizard went through a lot and can finally use a rest unless author JK Rowling takes lessons from George Lucas and decides to update the story or write some potentially awful prequels.

For those who managed to let Harry Potter pass them by and suddenly feel obligated to catch up with the series thanks to children or friends dragging you to the film, here's a handy little guide abridging the the fourth book/film to quickly catch up.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Glad that Sirius Black from the previous book/film is:
A) Not out to kill Harry Potter, and
B) Harry Potter's godfather.

Harry Potter finally feels some happiness away from Hogwarts. JK Rowling is also feeling happy now that she is getting paid by the word for these novels. So she decided to introduce plenty of side stories, character arcs, and other ancillary materials that are inevitably cut from the film.

Thanks to his best friend Ron Weasley and family, Harry Potter is able to exchange staying with his unloving relatives for a a long weekend watching the Quidditch World Cup, the official sport of the wizardry world incorporating soccer, rugby, and potential death. But the post tournament festivities get too rowdy when Voldemort's loyal followers the Death Eaters decide to join in like soccer hooligans. Harry Potter manages to survive a face to face encounter with one and the incident is seemingly pushed aside.

Back at Hogwarts as it raises its banner celebrating a minimum number of student injuries and crazed teachers, Headmaster Dumbledore decides to cancel raising that banner by hosting a traditional battle of the wizardry schools by pitting one representative from each of the three wizardry schools against each other to see who can win the titular Goblet of Fire/MacGuffin of this story. In a rare uncharacteristic moment, Harry Potter decides NOT to attempt entry due to the age restriction and let upper classmate Cedric Diggory take the glory and eventually evolve into an undead sparkly vampire.

But the plot refuses to let Harry Potter sit this one out and he is magically the fourth competitor in the Triwizard Tournament. Ron Weasley is now jealous of his friend gaining even more fame, infamy, and potential glory. Hogwarts students are divided over their two representatives, and Harry Potter thinks there is yet another plot by Voldemort in play that threatens the world that involves Harry Potter's success in the tournament. If he felt that his participation in the tournament was playing to Voldemort's plan, why didn't he just throw the trials? It would have saved him and the wizardry world a lot of grief, screwed up Voldemort's plans, and prevented the normal world from being introduced to "Twilight" vampires.

But thanks to Harry Potter's inability to ignore heckling, he plows through the trials. A combination of help from friends, his new professor who at the rate these professors go might as well display a ticking clock telling when they will turn evil, and Harry Potter's still terminal Lucky Bastard Syndrome, he manages to avoid getting incinerated, drowned, or forced to develop a relationship with a toilet ghost.

The final trial pits the four participants in an amazing race that literally is a maze to capture the MacGuffin. Cedric and Harry Potter decide to grab it together and it's revealed that the MacGuffin was really a Chekov's Gun that fires those two right into Voldemort's hands and surrounded by Death Eaters. Then the former rat from the previous book/film commits the worst crime against cinema: He kills Cedric Diggory and frees the actor's schedule to play Edward Cullen in "Twilight."

Afterwards, Voldemort uses Harry Potter's blood and a list of other ingredients to regain a new physical body though he did skimp on the face. Harry Potter and Voldemort have their first official battle. Thanks to Harry Potter's Lucky Bastard Syndrome, their wands cancel each other out and Voldemort's wand brings up a usage history that distracts the evil wizard long enough for Harry to escape.

When Harry Potter returns to the sanctuary of Hogwarts, the new professor drags the boy into a private room to reveal himself as Voldemort's agent as well as the Death Eater who faced Harry Potter during the Quidditch World Cup. Fortunately Harry Potter has enough friends in high places who are able to save him just in time and the real professor's identity and location are revealed.

After the tournament the Ministry of Magic's spin-doctors are immediately on the case to cover up Voldemort's revival and undermining Dumbledore's truth telling. Meanwhile the world braces itself for the threat that looms over them: Harry Potter fans defecting over to "Twilight."