'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix' Abridged: The Cynical Version

After seven novels, a spin-off book of wizard fairy tales that wasn't that good, and eight movies, the story of The Boy Who Lived Harry Potter draws to its conclusion with the release of the final film "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2." The lovable wizard went through a lot and can finally use a rest unless author JK Rowling takes lessons from George Lucas and decides to update the story or write some potentially awful prequels.

For those who managed to let Harry Potter pass them by and suddenly feel obligated to catch up with the series thanks to children or friends dragging you to the film, here's a handy little guide abridging the the fifth book/film to quickly catch up.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

The spin doctors of the Ministry of Magic are pinning Dumbledore as a crazy usurper attempting to use Voldemort to panic the people. Dumbledore has activated the Order of the Phoenix as a resistance group to defend against Vodlemort attacks and hopefully kill him despite having no idea how. And in the center is Harry Potter feeling angst and loneliness as everyone tries to keep him out of the loop while he too has no idea how to defeat Voldemort.

Harry Potter gets magically involved in a rescue of his cousin that winds him up in a Ministry of Magic inquiry that is attempting to discredit and expel him. But after transporting to a new magical house , Harry is eventually acquitted and allowed to go back to being full of angst and ignorance so it was really a pointless scene. All this really does is provide an excuse to introduce the ragtag Order of the Phoenix members.

Harry and the fellow students return to Hogwarts where an air of tension regarding Voldemort's return lingers. Newcomer Luna Lovegood with her quirky personality and possible insanity turns into a breakaway character that breathes fresh air back into the old cast. An enemy worse than dark magic threatens the school in the form of bureaucracy courtesy of the Ministry of Magic with the new professor.

So hoping to pass time until something pushes him towards the plot, Harry Potter with his friends and several classmates decide to form their own army to fight Voldemort by practicing spells unapproved by the Ministry of Magic. Oddly enough Hogwarts the building supports this idea and provides them a training ground. During the training Harry Potter gets inflicted with Asian fever as he falls for Cho Chang the token Asian in the series. Not that you can blame him. He's a teenager with raging hormones and it's about time he exhibited some teenage attitudes beyond angst. But the crush inevitably sours later because there are plenty of other women for Harry Potter to explore later. Hell, Luna Lovegood would have made sense. Two crazy people in a crazy world would find hope in each other.

Eventually Voldemort lays a trap for Harry Potter so obvious that most of his friends are telling him it's a trap. But Harry is bored of sitting around waiting so he and his army storm the Ministry looking for the MacGuffin that Voldemort sought. Of course, the Death Eaters are there to ambush Harry and his friends and even tell him it's a trap. But the Order of the Phoenix finally actually does something productive despite having their name in the titel as the members ride in like the cavalry to rescue Harry. In the process, Harry's godfather Sirius gets killed. And to think none of that would have happened had Harry just stayed in bed.

Again.

The Death Eaters are routed and the Ministry finally admits the return of Voldemort. Dumbledore explains that after all of Harry Potter's years of suffering was pretty much decided on a coin toss Voldemort did regarding whether to choose Harry Potter or Neville Longbottom as his rival. It would have been cool if Neville really was the chosen one and Harry was the decoy all this time, but JK Rowling shot that idea down. Besides, Harry Potter is such a cooler sounding protagonist name.

Now it ends with Harry once again waits for Voldemort's next move. Maybe this time he will leave well enough alone.

And maybe this time my dog will do may taxes.