Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Movie Cliff Notes Script

Witches, wizards, and other people who my father classifies as "insane," look alive. The trailer for the sixth movie of JK Rowling's Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, has just been unveiled. This new trailer brought forth much reaction from Harry Potter fans; specifically; "I forgot about Harry Potter." To remind people about the Harry Potter movies, I now present the condensed script of the previous Harry Potter movie:

Harry Potter and the Order of The Phoenix

Audience observation: You know, if you highlight select words and letters of this title like Tom just did, you get Harry Potter OTP (One True Pairing).

Harry Potter/Yaoi/Anime/Slash/Homosexual Pairing Fangirls: OTP! SQUEEE! Harry x Ron! Harry x Voldemort! Harry x Hagrid! Harry x Snape! Harry x Dumbledore! Harry x His Broom!

Tom: Just for your annoying fandom ways, I'm telling you before the movie even begins that the one who dies is...

Movie Harry Potter Fans: DON'T YOU DARE SPOIL THIS MOVIE, TOM! We haven't had a chance to read the book and are eagerly watching this movie with virgin eyes.

Book Harry Potter Fans: GO AHEAD AND SPOIL THIS MOVIE, TOM! We already finished the book years ago and those movie HP fans had plenty of time to do the same. We're just interested in seeing how they execute this dramatic and traumatic scene in the movie.

Non-Harry Potter Fans: WHERE THE HELL ARE THOSE TRANSFORMERS?! Michael Bay can't direct a movie to save his life!!

Tom: NOW can I start the movie?

The movie commences

Playground in England

Harry Potter: Angst!

Dudley "Ali-G" Dursley: Boo-ya kah sha! You is gay, Harry Potter! "Oh, Cedric! Don't leave me!"

HP: Emo loner angst!

Dementors: Boo! (Attacks)

Dudley: Emo despair.

HP: Patronus!

Dementors: Eek! Run away! Run away!

Dursley Household

Owl Mail: "For using magic outside of Hogwarts, you're suspended, Harry!"

HP: The whole world is against me angst!

Tom: Wow! This is the shortest Harry Potter movie ever!

Later that night

HP: Home alone angst!

Order of the Phoenix members entering the house: Hi-ho! Hi-ho! It's off to grab Harry we go!

HP: Who the heck are you angst!

Phoenix members: We're the Phoenix dwarves sent here to pick you up.
Moody: I'm Moody!
Tonks: I'm Shifty!
Old Guy: I'm Old!
Black Guy: I'm Black!

Moody: Now we fly!

(Spectacular broom flying sequence)

Tom: With over 800 pages of the book to turn into film in about 2 hours, the director has to make wise decisions what to include and what to cut. And you decide to include 5 minutes of this broom flying eye-candy instead of plot development? And why are they flying all over England when the original idea was to SECRETLY transport Harry Potter?

Order of the Phoenix HQ

Moody: Now the Order of the Phoenix will have a clandestine meeting. Sorry, Harry and film audience, you're not allowed to learn anything detailed about the plot. Just know that it involves Voldemort seeking a secret weapon shaped like a small moon. Wait, that's no moon.

Tom: I'm getting a bit bored of the lack of plot development. I'm taking a nap.

20 minutes later

Tom: So what happened?

Victoria: Earlier, Harry Potter was expelled, but Dumbledore managed to exonerate Harry of all charges. So he's allowed back into Hogwarts.

Tom: You mean it took over 20 minutes for the story to come full circle!?! What a waste.

Cho Chang: Hi, I'm a girl who isn't Hermione or Ginny.

Harry: Crush on girl who isn't Hermione or Ginny angst!

Hogwarts

Students: Harry's a nutter.

Harry: People talking crap about me angst.

Dumbledore: We have a new Defense Against The Dark Arts professor. If you've paid attention to the past four books/movies, you know she's going to be a big pain in the ass who causes most of the problems. It makes you wonder why I bother to hire one each year.

Umbridge: Hi, I'm Professor Umbridge from the Ministry of Magic. Within one hour, I'll show you all that I have the charm of the Spanish Inquisition, a large corporation bureaucracy, a droning college professor whose material comes straight out the book, a crazy cat lady addicted to tea, and the Patriot Act combined.

Victoria: All I heard was "cat," so I like her.

Harry: Crappy Professor from Hell angst.

Umbridge: Using my newfound political powers, I shall now tease the audience with my "Minor Character Trickle Torture" Device. I'll introduce major characters from previous books who you grew to love, and before you can recognize them, I'll make them disappear. Ready, go!

McGonagall!
Flitwick!
Trelawney!
Snape!
Dumbledore! Wait, I thought I was a major character!
Hagrid!
And Hagrid's half-brother who looks disturbingly like Shrek.

Hermione: Ok, Hogwarts officially worse than UC Santa Barbara thanks to Umbridge. We should form an army to defend this school against the combined forces of the Death Eaters and the Ministry of Magic? Ron, go forth and recruit 300 of our best students.

Ron: I can't... Copyright issues. Frank Miller would sue. I was able to get a few extras, my siblings, this klutz with the weight of his parents' insanity on his shoulders, and this bubble-headed blonde who really thinks outside the box.

Tom: That Luna Lovegood acts strangely familiar.

Cosette from Cosette and Eponine: HEY LUNA! THAT'S MY ACT! I stole it from Azumanga Daioh first!

Tom: Shut up and eat some popcorn, Cosette.

Cosette: OK! (Chomps)

Victoria: Who're you talking to?

Eponine from Cosette and Eponine: Shhh! Watching the movie.

Hermione: Now we need a teacher. Hey, Harry!

Harry: Time to be a charismatic leader and a proficient teacher angst!

Hermione: And we also need a secret room to practice.

Longbottom: Using the powers of Deus Ex Machina, I found us a room to practice. In retrospect, I probably should have used the Deus Ex Machina for solving a bigger problem like-- maybe killing Voldemort once and for all. Oh well, on with the story.

(Training montage)

Cho: I'm alone with Harry.

Harry: How to set up the mood for a first kiss angst.

(Harry summons mistletoe)

Harry: Crap, I was trying to summon a bed and a Barry White CD, but close enough. (Kisses Cho)

Audience: Now our little wizard boy is a man.

Voldemort: God, with this film's pacing, the audience will experience a year at Hogwarts in REAL TIME. I need to speed this up.

Father Weasley: I have had it with this mother f**kin' snake biting my mother f**kin' face!

Harry: Near death of my surrogate family angst!

Dumbledore: Harry, it's time for special training with Snape.

Yaoi audience: Hee hee hee.

Snape: Voldemort is playing mind games, which is pretty hard given your lack of a mind. Nevertheless, it's time to free your mind. Remember, there is no spoon. Use the force. These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Harry: Okay...

(Many lessons later)

Snape: With all due respect, Mr. Potter, YOU SUCK!

Harry: Revelation of Snape's younger emo self getting picked on my father angst.

Snape: GET THE HELLOUT OF MY CLASS!

Tom: You mean ANOTHER pointless scene where Harry goes about in full circle with no plot development?!?

This movie needs more conflict

Harry: Check out our magic.

Ron: The magic of special effects.

Victoria: Look, a bunny! I like Luna!

Cosette: HAH! If Luna really were like me, she'd summon a Marshmallow Cat.

Hole In The Wall: Here's.... Umbridge! I capture all of you! Now to capture Dumbledore!

Dumbledore: As if my scenes weren't short enough already, now I temporarily escape this film in a literal blaze of glory!

Ron: Who turned us in?

Cho: Time to play "Blame the Asian." Sorry, Harry.

Harry: Blame the Asian angst!

Weasely Twins: We want out of this movie. Let's blow stuff up and escape like the cool wild and crazy guys we are!

Ron: Wait! You guys were in this movie?

Twins: Bye and buy!

After many scenes to pass the time, the climax

Harry: I see dead people, specifically him. And it might be my fault unless I do something.

Hermione: Or maybe he dies BECAUSE you do something.

Harry: Don't care. Gather Dumbledore's Army!

Ron: We couldn't afford to keep the extras, so it's only the members with names who are available.

Harry: Lack of a fighting force angst.

Umbridge: Where are you going?

Hermione: Follow us and we'll take care of you nicely.

Umbridge: Centaurs? IT'S A TRAP!

Centaurs: Mmm, woman. (Steals)

Tom: Crap, I bet you there's going to be a lot of hentai doujinshi of Umbridge and the Centaurs based on that scene.

Victoria: Ew.

Hermione: Back to the movie!

Ministry of Magic

Harry: This wasn't what I expected the Ministry of Magic to look like.

Ron: Despite you having been there earlier in the movie, what were you expecting the Ministry of Magic to look like?

Harry: I don't know... magical? It looks like a dead, black office building.

Luna: But check out all these balls in this room. I'd like to call it a... ballroom.

Harry: Hell, I'd settle for someone chanting a magic spell like...

Phantom of the Opera reject: Avada Kedavra!

Harry: That's more like it. Oh crap!

Death Eaters: Our spells will blot out the darkness of this poorly lit room.

Harry: Then we shall fight amid the ambient light of the spells.

(Spell battle commences)

Harry: Stupefy!

Death Eater: Speciallius Effectus

Ron: See Gee Eye Wizardry!

Ginny: DRAGON SLAVE!

(BOOM!)

Lina Inverse: DAMNIT, GINNY! If there's going to be a flat-chested redhead who casts the most powerful magic in a movie, it's going to be me!

(Dumbledore's Army is captured)

Lucius: Surrender the prophecy, Harry Potter!

Harry: Life or death decision angst! Screw it, I surrender.

Lucius: BWA HA HA! No magic spell is strong enough to knock down a Death Eater!

???: Fist In Your Face. (POW!)

(Order of the Phoenix arrives)

Tom: Damnit, that's like the fifth time Harry Potter managed to have the luck of powerful friends save his ass, and this is the fifth movie! Either Harry Potter is a lucky bastard with no real skills or JK is really pushing the theme of friendship conquers all hardships.

Victoria: Who says they're not mutually exclusive?

(Rushed spell combat scene resembling the OK Corral)

Harry: Wow, this really resembles that dream I had where I see dead people. Which means... oh crap. Death of a friend angst!

Tom: THAT was a death scene? I read better written and watch better acted death scenes on South Park!

Harry: Take that, potentially cool new villainous character who pretty much had no lines outside of laughing insanely while parading around like a Hot Topic Goth!

Lestrange: Save me, Voldemort!

Voldemort: Peek-a-boo! I come as the Deus Ex Machina device to end this movie and claim victory for evil!

Dumbledore: Peek-a-boo! I come as the Deus Ex Machina device to end this movie and claim victory for good!

(One on one spell fight)

Dumbledore: For being a wizard with a fire type phoenix on my side, you'd think I'd be the one casting such a large fire spell!

Voldemort: Blame it on the special effects director for being dyslexic. Now watch me use this glass attack that I stole from Heroes on poor Harry.

Harry: I'm a defenseless, useless target angst!

Dumbledore: Time to end this fight somehow.

Voldemort: I don't know why, but I suddenly feel like retreating. But first, time to possess Harry.

Harry: NO! Whole good versus evil and similarity in our characters commentary reduced to a montage of previous Harry Potter movies angst!

Audience: Ah, we get to see Daniel Radcliffe grow up before our very eyes.

Voldemort: Enough crappy montage. Screw you guys, I'm going home! (Lame retreat)

Ministry of Magic: Holy crap! You mean all that time we were spreading lies to discredit Dumbledore and Harry was a mistake? It's a good thing the word "libel" and "defamatory" aren't in the magic world.

Hermione: Libel. "The use of written..."

Ministry: SHUT UP! You're not helping.

(Flurry of dizzying and nausea inducing newspaper headlines previously used for scene changes now used to wrap the movie up quickly)

Harry: So the movie is now even darker. But with my friends, everything will soon be lollipops and rainbows by the next movie, right?

JK: Um, sure. You just believe that.

Luna: Hello, Harry. Now that we're friends, we can look for my stuff. And if we can't find it, we can play a game of "Buy Me This."

Harry: Crap, I think I'm better off with my angst. Who the hell would want to be with a bubble headed, outside the box thinker like her?

Tom: You have no idea.

Cosette: Papa, buy me this!

Tom: No more popcorn for you.