'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban' Abridged: The Cynical Version

After seven novels, a spin-off book of wizard fairy tales that wasn't that good, and eight movies, the story of The Boy Who Lived Harry Potter draws to its conclusion with the release of the final film "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2." The lovable wizard went through a lot and can finally use a rest unless author JK Rowling takes lessons from George Lucas and decides to update the story or write some potentially awful prequels.

For those who managed to let Harry Potter pass them by and suddenly feel obligated to catch up with the series thanks to children or friends dragging you to the film, here's a handy little guide abridging the the third book/film to quickly catch up.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

The 11-year old Harry Potter from the first book/film is now a 13-year old in the third book/film. Now Harry Potter has to deal with his raging emotions brought on by puberty in addition to the threat of Voldemort. But teenage rage and angst are his main issues when he manages to blow up one of his relatives. Eager to face expulsion from his wizardry school Hogwarts as such acts are against the rules, Harry Potter's Lucky Bastard Syndrome conveniently earns him a personal visit from the Ministry of Magic who forgives that indiscretion. Apparently, the titular prisoner of Azkaban has escaped. A loyal follower of Voldemort, he's now out to kill Harry Potter. Unlike Voldemort trying to kill Harry Potter, this prisoner may actually be competent enough to get the job done. And Harry Potter is an important person to keep alive because... JK Rowling still has four more books in the series.

So Harry Potter is again safe at Hogwarts where student injuries and crazed teachers are common. Given that this is the third book/film and things need to change towards a darker tone, the teacher for once is not crazy (when he's not a werewolf) and student injuries are kept to a minimum (except during the ridiculously dangerous Quidditch matches that Harry Potter is somehow allowed to participate in as an alternative to the ridiculously dangerous killers after him). To enhance the darkness, the Dementors who serve as enforcers of Azkaban are present at Hogwarts as security and to enhance any gloom and dread any character may have. How convenient it is that Harry Potter is full of teenage gloom and dread as he proactively seeks out the killer after him. It is explained that the killer Sirius Black was reported to have betrayed Harry Potter's parents to Voldemort and got them killed so Harry Potter's blind rage is understandable. Luckily his Lucky Bastard Syndrome is still strong so most attempts to investigate, locate the killer, and sneak off into the book/film's location outside Hogwarts school grounds during school session (finally a change in scenery) are successful to drive the story.

Some seemingly minor sidestories involving Harry Potter's genius friend Hermione appearing two places at the same time and gamekeeper Hagrid feeling guilt for the impending execution of his animal friend Buckbeak don't really come into play until the climax when Sirius Black finally makes his move against Harry Potter. Pretty much the entire second act is ancillary since everyone has to eventually explain to Harry Potter what just happened and what is happening. Harry Potter isn't too bright when looking for traps or cluse. A lot of arguing between Sirius Black, new professor Lupin, and potions professor & heel to Harry Potter Snape reveals their childhood friendships and grudges that Harry Potter's father was a part of when he was a student. Eventually the real traitor and Voldemort follower turns out to be none other than... Ron Weasley's rat. Through a lot of backtracking that would be enough for a Hogwarts prequel (that is better left unwritten), it's explained how Harry Potter's father and two classmates magically learned to transform into animals to visit their werewolf friend. Their friendship grew through this and antagonizing Snape. Eventually the literal rat in the pack betrayed them and framed Black in the process.

But Snape and the Ministry of Magic are hearing none of it and decide to arrest and figuratively execute Black anyway despite hearing the truth. If only there was some magic that could fix the problem. Cue the oddest time travel retcon since "Back to the Future" thanks to Hermione's time altering Chekov's Gun. Harry Potter and Hermione find themselves hurrying to save Black and Buckbeak despite having having a time altering device that gives them all the time in the world.

But things become fine and all is right in the world in the end minus the escape of a Voldemort loyalist. This book/film began the turning point of the series getting darker as the looming threat of Voldemort becomes real.