'Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone' Abridged: The Cynical Version

After seven novels, a spin-off book of wizard fairy tales that wasn't that good, and eight movies, the story of The Boy Who Lived Harry Potter draws to its conclusion with the release of the final film "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2." The lovable wizard went through a lot and can finally use a rest unless author JK Rowling takes lessons from George Lucas and decides to update the story or write some potentially awful prequels.

For those who managed to let Harry Potter pass them by and suddenly feel obligated to catch up with the series thanks to children or friends dragging you to the film, here's a handy little guide abridging the the first book/film to quickly catch up.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

We are introduced to Harry Potter, a boy afflicted with what is known in the literary/film world as Lucky Bastard Syndrome. The most obvious sign is that his name is on the title of the series. One symptom of Lucky Bastard Syndrome is being able to survive what would normally kill a regular person who doesn't have his/her name in the series. Imagine how things could have turned for Harry Potter had the book/film been titled "Cedric Diggory and the Sorcerer's Stone."

Harry initially shows off his lucky Bastard Syndrome as an infant by surviving an attack by a deranged killer named Voldemort who is under the alias of He Who Must Not Be Named or You Know Who, which definitely are some good aliases to go by since those names could really imply anybody. And it turned out Voldemort is some sort of wizard and there seems to be a wizardry world hidden in plain sight among the modern contemporary world of today.

But that's not important since Harry sure as heck doesn't know about it and his orphan infant self is raised by uncaring relatives. The abuse and apathy from his foster family combined with his deceased parents give Harry Potter a certain sadness that is easily to sympathize with as readers/viewers try to relate wit their own alienation. Rooting for Harry Potter to succeed in turn inspires them to succeed in their own lives.

When Harry grows up into the marketable pre-teenage years, Lucky Bastard Syndrome rears its head again when he is suddenly introduced and thrust into the wizardry world that he knew nothing about. Now suffering from a case of Fish Out of Water Dehydration, the only cure is to throw Harry Potter into the deep figurative waters of the wizardry world to hydrate while explaining to him what's going on. And we the readers/viewers too learn about the wizardry world through descriptive phrases or well-filmed expository scenes.

Now Harry Potter is taking his epic journey into Hogwarts, the school for wizards. This place will serve as Harry Potter's heaven and hell as he matures into a true hero while attending a school where almost everything inside will attempt to kill him. Seriously, it's a banner year when Hogwarts has less than ten students injured and only one teacher going crazy. Also, setting most of "Harry Potter" in Hogwarts means saving on the set budget by reusing the same school.

While magic can do all sorts of fabulous things, it still can't cure Harry Potter's Lucky Bastard Syndrome and symptoms keep popping up. The dorm he opts into is suddenly granted immunity to most ills afflicting the series. Hufflepuff wished they could have had him. His new friends he met including a well-rooted member of the wizardry world and a normal girl who cured herself from her own Fish Out of Water Dehydration through diligent research are conveniently thrown into his dorm so their friendship will grow through several books/films. The antagonistic group quickly reveal themselves to Harry Potter as both develop mutual hatred towards each other. Everyone in school from students to teachers (especially the headmaster and grandfather figure Albus Dumbledore) give Harry Potter special treatment as they know about his encounter with Voldemort. Harry manages to survive various hurdles thrown at him despite his limited magic skills and knowledge. But the worst symptom of Lucky Bastard Syndrome is how Harry is magically dragged into the plot that was previously non-existent.

After many pages/minutes of exposition, Harry Potter and friends eventually discover the plot in the book/film. A magical MacGuffin (one of many that will occur throughout the entire Harry Potter series) known as the Sorcerer's Stone is locked inside Hogwarts and the evil Voldemort wants it just as much as he wants to kill Harry Potter. Who's the genius that decided to put those two in the same convenient place?

Feeling a sense of delusional obligation courtesy of Lucky Bastard Syndrome, Harry and friends feel obligated to protect the MacGuffin and defeat Voldemort despite their lack of skills and the fact that the Hogwarts staff have already implemented a series of countermeasures against Voldemort. In the climax of the book/film and stupefied from the effects of Lucky Bastard Syndrome, Harry Potter and friends manage to break through every countermeasure protecting the MacGuffin and acquire it for themselves...

...Just so Voldemort can almost get his hands on it. Had Harry Potter and his friends never bothered to interfere, the disabled parasite Voldemort and his carrier Professor Quirrell would have been stuck staring at the Mirror of Erised for life. Or at least until one of them got thirsty.

Fortunately, Lucky Bastard Syndrome has some positive effects as Harry Potter manages to simultaneously kill Quirrell and banish Voldemort with his bare hands. Literally. Grandfather figure Dumbledore manages to rescue Harry Potter and friends while conveniently tying everything together for Harry Potter and his readers/viewers. Essentially Harry Potter will be going through this for about another six books/seven films.