Harry Potter and the Spawn of Satan

With the release of the last Harry Potter book in sight, we can finally breathe a sigh of relief. At last! After a decade of Satan's reign in the form of children's fantasy books, we no longer need to worry about children dabbling in witchcraft after our failure to instill common sense in them. Oh, yes! I remember after I first saw the movie Pinocchio. I spent a good two weeks hunting for a talking cricket and waiting for the Blue Fairy (yet another clever invention courtesy of Satan) to turn my Raggedy Ann into a real girl. I wonder why my parents didn't forbid me from watching that dreadful demonic cartoon! What if I got forever tangled in Satan's web because I was too young and foolish to realize the difference between fantasy and reality?

But I suppose the prevailing fear of some people is indeed understandable. After all, just like we all can read by osmosis, it is not impossible for us to learn such superb skills by reading a fictional book. Alas, an adequate background in witchcraft is not even necessary! I will now grab the wand I have obtained from a local 99-cents store, swing it as I yell out "Avada Kadavra," only to realize my bad pronunciation of the phrase detracts from the effectiveness of the curse. Never mind the fact that I am but a muggle with no experience at all. If I want to get anywhere in the magic world, my best bet is to develop hand speed and settle with simple card tricks.

While we were busy rejoicing over the inevitable end of Satan's fictional spawn, however, a relevant blatant moral attack took place. Daniel Radcliffe, the boy who plays Harry Potter, is currently running around naked on stage with an equally naked girl! People have praised him for doing something brave in the name of art, but does anyone who rushes to see Equus actually does so for the sake of art? Of course not! I'm willing to bet the majority of us mainly want to see how big our little Harry Potter has become! How could we be so dumb as to not realize that Satan has had this planned all along? As it turns out, the Harry Potter books themselves are not the problem -- the movies are. Or more correctly, the actor is. I surmise the devil has been using Radcliffe all along to gain some followers. Now that Harry Potter has gone to the gym, and now that his female fanbase has hit puberty, Satan could easily get them to do anything. Including, for example, illegally taking pictures of Equus and posting them on the Internet for all Harry Potter fans to see.

Oh, woe is us! The immorality of this county has definitely reach rock bottom! It's not enough our children had to go through various wardrobe malfunctions on public TV stations, but now they get to see their real-life childhood hero in the nude! Horror!

It just occurred to me that perhaps -- and this is just a guess, not an outright slander -- Radcliffe himself is the Antichrist. Ah, if that is the case, we should definitely try to find the 666 mark printed somewhere on his body. We reportedly have the whole ten minutes to do that. So let us not waste our time. Order a ticket or two, try to get the seat closest to the stage, and scrutinize!

Now no doubt just like Harry Potter encourages witchfraft, Equus might tempt us to start blinding every horse we see. However, do keep in mind that we're not watching the play for fun. Indeed, we are there on a mission: to defeat the Antichrist and his armies, which mainly consists of hormone-driven teenage girls.