Hate Mail, I Get Hate Mail

There's nothing I enjoy more than knowing I have struck a nerve with the reading public. It's great to get positive feedback, but I really love it when I piss off some dipshit who stumbles upon one of my articles and feels moved to respond with anger and indignation. It's especially fun when the comment is for an article I wrote more than two years ago and I've completely forgotten what I had written, so I have to go back and read it to figure out what the hell it was I wrote that pissed the dumbass off in the place.

In this case, the article in question is More Dumb Songs: The Trucker Era -a piece published on October 28, 2008. As of this writing, the article has accumulated a whopping 1,396 page views, which means I wasn't the only one who had no idea about the details of this fine piece of literature.

Looking back at the comments section of the article, I found that just one day after its publication, I received a comment from one of my biggest fans-a guy named Joe-who loved my article so much, he just had to let me know what he thought of me:

Joe
(Guest) 10/29/2008

ass-wipe

Of course Joe is right-I am an ass-wipe. I admit it. Been wiping my ass most of my life and plan to continue that ritual until I'm old enough to wear a diaper-something I look forward to, by the way.

But that was it. I received one negative comment from a reader-and not all that negative at that (unless you consider wiping one's ass a negative)-and then two years of utter anonymity.

So imagine my surprise when I received notice that " Someone has left you a comment on More Dumb Songs: The Trucker Era ."

"Holy crap!" I exclaimed, "Some dear soul took the time to leave a comment on an article I wrote way back in the days when I first learned I was an ass-wipe!"

Excitedly, I clicked on the link to find my new comment and there it was-an entire paragraph! Finally, a person with a thought in his or her head that couldn't be summed up with just a couple hyphenated words, like, for instance, "ass-wipe." No, this comment required some thought and its author clearly took the time to choose just the right words-112 of them!-to show that I am much more than just an ass-wipe.

Robert
(Guest) 01/02/2011

I am a trucker, and while your opinion wrote this piece, your opinion is just that: yours. YOu capitalize on an era 40-50 years ago when our minds were poisoned with Smokey and the Bandit. We are careful and law abiding citizens doing all we can to keep YOU alive when you cut us off and hit your brakes. As far as Teddy Bear, may GOD have pity on your heartless soul for the words that you have written. Next time you want to write garbage such as this, talk to a trucker first. See what they see, and feel what they feel. It might give you something WORTHWHILE to write about!

Not sure what I had written that could have stirred up such ire, I went back and read the article. After laughing out loud and congratulating myself on a well-crafted piece of smart-ass humor, I realized that there were probably a number of bits and pieces that got Robert (Probably not his real name. I mean a trucker named Robert? Billy-Bob maybe, but Robert?) all worked up, including this one:

These truckers, all chatting back-and-forth on their CBs and using such "handles" as Rubber Duck, Pig Pen, and Sodbuster, eventually build a convoy of trucks illegally speeding along with no regard for the safety of other drivers, which, if you have ever driven on any interstate highway, you know is quite accurate.

Robby Baby, do you not understand hyperbole? I didn't mean ALL truckers are crazy drivers with no regard for the safety of other drivers-just the ones on America's interstates.

And this little sentence here probably got under Robert the Law-Abiding Trucker's mud flaps too:

A load of pedophiles-I mean truckers-hear Teddy Bear's story on their CBs and arrive at his house one-by-one.

I admit that taken out of context, that sentence makes it sound like I'm implying truckers are pedophiles. I didn't mean ALL truckers-just the one's in the song. Most truckers are probably too busy beating their wives to have enough time to mess with kids.

Now that I've had a moment to think about what I just wrote, that last sentence probably sounds like I'm implying all truckers who aren't pedophiles are wife-beaters. Again, I didn't mean it. Some truckers are serial killers happily dumping bodies all over the beautiful landscape of America .

Oops, there I go again. No matter how hard I try, I just can't stop writing mean things about truckers. But I guess that should come as no surprise.

After all, as my old buddy Joe will no doubt tell you, I'm an ass-wipe.