Have a Bipolar Child? Ten Disciplining Tips for Parents

Having a bipolar child in the family can be extremely difficult, frustrating, and at times, outright frightening. The unacceptable behaviors exhibited by the bipolar child can range anywhere from mild disobedience to outright violence that can endanger both the bipolar child, any other children in the household, animals, and even parents themselves. Having bipolar disorder is a legitimate mental condition and your child is NOT just being bad and needs to be punished as I'm sure you have heard from plenty of misguided and misinformed people.

What are the characteristics of a bipolar child? Bipolar disorder as I've said is a mental condition where the child (or an adult) has extreme mood swings. The disorder was once called manic-depression because the child can be very happy one moment and then very depressed the next, often in cycles. Bipolar children cycle more often than bipolar adults, sometimes many times each day while adults may cycle only once every month or so. So having a bipolar child in the family can be quite a challenge because as a parent you will need to be prepared for any eventuality at all times. As you can imagine, disciplining a bipolar child can be difficult and methods that may work with other children just will not work with the bipolar child. In fact, some forms of discipline may cause even more problems. I have put together a list of ten tips for parents who are having problems disciplining their bipolar child. One thing I must warn you about though is that not all the tips listed here will work on ALL bipolar children. You, the parent, know your bipolar child best and what may and may not work for you, may indeed work for someone else which leads me to tip number one; flexibility.

Ten Tips for Parents Having Problems Disciplining Their Bipolar Child, Tip #1: Be Flexible and Have a Support System in Place

The very nature of bipolar disorder makes consistency with any type of discipline difficult since the bipolar child's mood swings may cycle quickly from extreme excitement to the very depths of rage and despair the next. So the parent of a bipolar child needs to be flexible and prepared to handle any type of behavior at a moment's notice. It helps to be flexible if the parent of the bipolar child has attended classes and support groups on being a parent of a bipolar child. You will also want to keep in close contact with a child psychologist or therapist who specializes in bipolar children. Being the parent of a bipolar child is not a one person job, it takes a support group. Remember the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child?" This is especially true in the case of a bipolar child. It may be tempting but don't isolate yourself, reach out for help because you are not alone and you will need a lot of help to raise your bipolar child.

Ten Tips for Parents Having Problems Disciplining Their Bipolar Child, Tip #2: Keep Up with Your Bipolar Child's Medications & Keep a Behavior Diary

A bipolar child will need to be on some form of medication. This is something that is extremely important and you must be consistent with. Unfortunately having a bipolar child means that you will need to be constantly working to find the right medication to help your bipolar child's mood swings. Keep a behavior diary so you will become familiar with your bipolar child's mood swings and cycles and the behavior he/she exhibits and when, how often, how extreme, etc. This diary will be something to take with you to every doctor visit and every therapy session. Talk to your child's doctor and therapist and ask for help and for ideas on disciplining your bipolar child. Tell them what you've tried and what the results have been but whatever you do, keep that behavior diary everyday and take it with you. Don't be afraid of your therapist, they are NOT your enemy. They are part of your bipolar child's support team. Tell the doctor and therapist exactly what's going on in your household with your bipolar child or they won't be able to help you plus, there may come a time that you will NEED every bit of documentation in case you are ever taken to court because of your bipolar child.

Ten Tips for Parents Having Problems Disciplining Their Bipolar Child, Tip #3: Positive Reinforcement

Mitzi Walsh, author of the book, Bipolar Disorders: A Guide to Helping Children and Adolescents says "Most parents and school behavior experts have found that positive consequences are more effective than negative consequences at keeping kids with bipolar disorders on track. Many behavioral classrooms use a "token economy" to encourage good behavior." Parents of bipolar children can use this idea for positive reinforcement at home too. Make a chart outlining what rewards are available and how many "tokens" it will cost the bipolar child and have them work towards both small and big prizes.

It's also a good idea to compliment your bipolar child on what they've done right instead of focusing on what they've done wrong to reinforce the good behavior instead of the negative behavior. I know it sounds a little backwards but the bipolar child does require a little extra positive reinforcement.

Ten Tips for Parents Having Problems Disciplining Their Bipolar Child, Tip #4: Spell Out Exactly What Behavior You Expect From Your Child

When your bipolar child is calm and can understand what you're saying, sit down and talk with him/her. Spell out exactly what behaviors are acceptable and not acceptable and tell them exactly what the consequences will be when they have not followed the acceptable behavior standard. I've mentioned the behavior diary before and this idea is similar but take it one step further and have your bipolar child write out in their own words and their own handwriting how they agree to comply with the acceptable behavior standard. Once you've written out exactly what behaviors are expected, come up with a list of consequences for breaking the acceptable behavior standard. Then have your child come up with a list of consequences as well. Try to involve your bipolar child and let them feel like they are a part of spelling out exactly what disciplinary action will be taken because they themselves have helped to come up with it.

Ten Tips for Parents Having Problems Disciplining Their Bipolar Child, Tip #5: Have a Schedule & Be Consistent With It

The bipolar child needs a schedule so they can know what to expect each day. Let them have their schedule and be as consistent as possible with it. Any deviations from the schedule will cause your bipolar child extreme stress and anxiety and that's when their behavior becomes such a big problem. This is a problem because of their bipolar disorder and shouldn't be confused with a misbehaving child so the bipolar child should not be punished for being unable to cope with a stressful situation or a change in their schedule. This may lead to problems at school for the bipolar child too. Some schools don't understand that a bipolar child is not "just being bad" and so they discipline the bipolar child for actions that the child has no control over. If your child is having problems at school and you believe it is because of your child's bipolar disorder, as the parent of a bipolar child, you might consider requesting a Functional Behavior Assessment (FBA) to see what triggers your child's behavior. After an FBA has been done, a Behavioral Intervention Plan (BIP) can be done. A BIP will outline the steps that school personnel should take in disciplining your child. It's one way to help raise the school's awareness of children with legitimate mental problems. You can find out more information about Functional Behavior Assessments at The Center for Effective Collaboration and Practice (CECP).

Ten Tips for Parents Having Problems Disciplining Their Bipolar Child, Tip #6: Be Creative, Overlook Small Infractions and Choose the Big Fights

As hard as it is, sometimes it's better to ignore the little fights and save your energy for the big fights. Unfortunately as the parent of a bipolar child, you know that a big fight will come along during one of your child's mood swings and it's best to pick the big ones and not to sweat the small stuff as much. Otherwise you may end up spending your entire day fighting with your bipolar child. So be creative and back off from those small rule infractions but still let your child know that their behavior may be unacceptable but the big fights about safety issues especially are the most important ones.

Ten Tips for Parents Having Problems Disciplining Their Bipolar Child, Tip #7: Physical Punishment Does NOT Work

Spanking and hitting a bipolar child is NOT a good idea. It just won't work and will backfire because you are sending the message that hitting someone smaller and weaker than you is ok to get them to do what you want. And that is a very bad message to send to a bipolar child who may already have aggressive tendencies.

Ten Tips for Parents Having Problems Disciplining Their Bipolar Child, Tip #8: Make the Punishment Fit the Crime, Be Fair

The bipolar child may be obsessed with fairness so if the punishment for their rule infraction doesn't fit the crime, they are going to know and their behavior may worsen. So make sure you are being fair at all times and that the punishment you've chosen fits the infraction your bipolar child has done.

Ten Tips for Parents Having Problems Disciplining Their Bipolar Child, Tip #9: Make Your Home as Safe an Environment as Possible & Create a "Safe" Place for Your Bipolar Child to Retreat to

It is an unfortunate fact that bipolar children can sometimes become enraged and violent as part of their depressive mood cycle. For the safety of your bipolar child, I do recommend removing anything that could potentially become a weapon either against themselves or against others from your child's bedroom. I believe it would be in the best interests of any other children in the household NOT to share a bedroom with your bipolar child. I know this sound harsh but the safety of all of your children is extremely important and unless your bipolar child is on medication and has been stable for a long period of time, your other children are not safe in the bedroom with your bipolar child. This doesn't mean your bipolar child is evil, far from it, your bipolar child has a mental condition and is sick and that's why you are working to help them become stable and functional in the world. That's why it is so important to make the bipolar child's bedroom a safe place and you may need to attach all the furniture to the walls and floors as well. It is better to be prepared than to be surprised by your child throwing their dresser drawers at you when you are trying to keep them from hurting themselves or others.

When your bipolar child is not cycling and is having a calm moment, talk to them about their bipolar disorder and what they can do when they feel an episode coming on. Let them know where they can retreat to, a "safe" place, where they can go to feel safe and comfortable until the worst of the episode is over. Perhaps you can provide a large cozy chair in a corner of their bedroom or perhaps a tent in their bedroom or even a spot in the closet. There may even be a need for you to have a lock on the bedroom door where you can lock your bipolar child in their room for their own safety when they are in a rage. I know this doesn't seem like a helpful discipline tip for a bipolar child but sometimes keeping them from hurting themselves is as much as you can do for them at the time.

Ten Tips for Parents Having Problems Disciplining Their Bipolar Child, Tip #10: Sometimes Restraint is all you can do for the Bipolar Child

NO, I am NOT suggesting tying your child down, NO WAY, DON'T do that! But there are times it may be necessary for you to hold your bipolar child down. If he/she is violent and raging and is determined to hurt either themselves or someone else, you may have no other alternative. In order to learn how to properly physically restrain your bipolar child, find a school that offers a psychiatric nursing program and find out if they have Professional Assault Response Training (PART) that teaches psychiatric nurses how to protect themselves from violent patients. Taking such a course can teach you techniques that will be both effective and safe for your bipolar child. You can also talk to your child's doctor and ask if they can prescribe a strong sedative to use for the most extreme aggressive behaviors.

In the most extreme of circumstances, you may be forced to make a phone call to the police department and have your bipolar child removed from the home. This is when there is absolutely nothing else that you can do and your child is endangering you and other members of the household.

There is always the possibility that Child Protective Services may be called in as well, which is where you will need every bit of documentation from your behavior diaries as well as testimonies from your bipolar child's doctor and therapist so the court can understand that your child has a mental condition and needs help.

Raising the bipolar child can be discouraging but keep building an emotional support group for yourself and the job may seem a little less like a huge burden as you meet with others in the same situation. It's also a great way to find out which disciplinary tactics have worked for others and which ones were complete wastes of time. It may not seem like it you can do it but take time out for you. The stress of raising and disciplining your bipolar child takes a huge toll on you mentally, emotionally, and physically so take a break, get away and when you come back you will be rested and refreshed and ready for the task at hand.

Resources:
Child & Adolescent Bipolar Foundation.
Bipolar Disorders Center. "Discipline" by Mitzi Walsh.
Preteen and Teen. "The Bipolar Child" by Gwen Morrison.