Have You Ever Threatened Your Child with Abandonment in a Store?

One of our deepest fears as human beings is the fear of abandonment. There is nothing to trifle with. Adults who were made anxious as children by the threat of abandonment have difficulty trusting others, especially in their intimate relationships. They are often torn between their longing for emotional security and the fear that they will eventually be abandoned by those closest to them.

People who fear abandonment become so overly dependent on others they are unable to stand up for themselves. They are easily exploited; especially by those they love the most. They fear that an argument or disagreement will result in abandonment. In some cases, these anxious adults over compensate by avoiding close relationships entirely.

In practice few parents actually threaten to leave their children. It is more common for parents to threaten to leave their children behind in a store or other public place if they don't follow when the parents are ready to leave.

Divorced parents sometimes make a different kind of abandonment threat: "If you don't mind me and do what I tell you, you can go live with your father (or mother)!" this creates the impression that living with the other parent is a form of punishment. Children should never have their place of residence used as a tool for discipline. This is similar to the threat of deportation for adults. The security of a home is deeply important to a child's sense of security. It is disruptive enough for a child to have to move between two households.

Children, especially young children, should not be held responsible for choosing their residence. Nor should their residence be a consequence of their behavior. This creates too much anxiety and insecurity for your children. If you banish them to their other parent's residence as a form of punishment, what will happen to them if their other parent gives up on them? There is an enormous sense of security in knowing that no matter how much trouble you get into, your parents will not throw you out or send you away.

Why do parents threaten their children? They threaten in order to control their children's actions or attitudes. Parents resort to threats when they're bankrupt. Threats are designed to evoke fear in the child. When parents are frustrated, having unsuccessfully tried other means to get their child to obey, they often resort to grim warnings or fearful threats. Because these are most often empty threats, a sense of unreality and unreliability is created in the child's mind. When one of these threats is occasionally carried out, the child becomes even more confused.

Is it ever okay to threaten to leave your child? No, it's not. No matter how frustrated you may become, never threaten to abandon your child. When parents warn, "If you don't settle down and behave yourself, I'm going to leave!" they can cause a great deal of anxiety and emotional harm.