Have a Happy Period!?

Not too long ago I was planted firmly in my bathroom. I had cramps that generated from my belly, down to my feet, then finally coming to rest to throb painfully in my head. So there I was imagining all the ways to die, but decided I would put off my impending death for a few more days. Surely things would lighten up. I hoped. It's funny how after 20 years I would still hope for a difference. Finally, I gave up on the idea that all would disappear and pulled out my handy-dandy lime-green wrapped pad.

Always.

I've been using them forever. Before they were ultra, though back then I thought they were way better than Stayfree (which is better is still up for debate between my friends and I). Back then no one thought to patronize us for our product choices - and they sure didn't do it at that special time of the month. They just left us alone to decide what was best. They were silent sellers of products. Their only voice (that we were exposed to) was pasted on the side of the semi carrying them down the highway.

Now, that voice has changed from nearly silent to blatant usage of even the tiniest slip of paper. The days of blue liquid being poured into an ultra maxi on television are over, now we are subjected to little messages in the privacy of our own misery hidden deep within the bowels of the bathroom. That itty bitty scrap of paper on the back of the pad was enough to drive me from the bathroom in what can only be described as a moment of pain-filled insanity.

"Have a happy period."

I don't think so! Who has a happy period? Who on earth told that person it was alright to send us messages on the backs of the pad? I know this person is a guy. He has to be, no woman is that stupid. How dare they patronize us, especially at that miserable time of the month!? If I wasn't such a long-standing customer (and happen to need the product) I would take my stash and toss them in the burn barrel and set them on fire all the while singing, "Have a happy period."

Instead my husband ran from me in fear as I swung the opened pad dangerously close to his head. My cramps were forgotten as I chased him down screeching about how stupid men were. His voice trailed after him saying, "It wasn't me dear. I would never tell you to have a happy one!"

So, for those of you who thought it was a great idea to tell us to "Have a happy period," think again. When have you ever seen a woman have a happy one? Really? And do you honestly believe that posting little patronizations is going to make it better? The color coding is a great idea but the least you could do is say something like, "You only have to use these for a day or so," on the oranges (Overnight), "You can do it," on the green ones (Super) for heavy flow, and "Not much longer," on the yellows (Regular) for moderate flow, and "You're almost there," on the pinks (Slender) for light flow. Oh, and let's not forget the panty-liners by saying, "You made it."

Let's be realistic, at least give us a laugh and help us have a happy period.