Have a Laugh: Dutch Idiomsyncracies

This is easy scoring. The language of Dutch English is an absurd concoction of linguistical errors and misunderstandings. "How do you do and how do you do your wife?" is a greeting which might very well come from the same Dutch person who'll say to you when parting: "I thank you from the bottom of my heart as well as my wife's bottom." Don't be offended. It is well-meant.

On the other side, "I am the first woman State Secretary for the Inside and I am having my first period" is one remark which I guess could be retraced to a single specific person. These were just some of the quotes picked up by Maarten H. Rijkens and put down in his booklet I always get my sin. Mr. Rijkens spent a lot of time abroad compiling the bizarre English of Dutch industry and trade executives. In his little booklet he just keeps to managemental Dutch English, but if you were ever to visit us, and speak to us, expect to be dumbfounded.

The booklet is aimed at Dutch readers and I expect that while you won't know what to think, most Dutch people find this stuff a hoot and a holler. For example the chapter where mr. Rijkens compares the difference in intentions between Dutch and English: now when you say to me 'that's interesting', I actually think you're impressed. When you say 'this is an original point of view', I will think you like my ideas. And when you say 'You must come for dinner sometime', I will expect an invitation soon.

To expand on mr. Rijkens observations, I would like to add a few examples of my own. To his booklet's "The Japanese always invite you, the Dutch are not so hospital" I can't help but think: well, the Japanese have their sushi, but we Dutch have our new herring. Or how about these, some of the currently more popular xenophobic slogans in Holland: "Full is full" and "Own people first". "This does not deserve a beauty prize" is another popular expression, used mainly by politicians.

Words
Since English and Dutch are very cognate, the same or similar words are used, but often in different contexts. An Amsterdam beggar might ask you: "Have you a Euro over please?" English is a necessary requirement to be a beggar in Amsterdam, albeit faulty. Sometimes it's just laziness: "I know it all" generally means "I know it already". Or words can have double meanings: "It can have intercourse" generally evokes that familiar 'Excuse me?'-response, but it does not imply any sexual references. This stuff really makes me in the war. Well, so can it no longer. I'll be permanently affected, before I have this off.

Many English and Americans seemed embarrassed during the years prime minister Kok represented us. Word misunderstandings are easily made. So is there the infamous what/something switch: "It's always what", "It is me what". There's the cook/kok problem, but also the back/bek, dick/dik, fuck/vak and fock/fok confusions: "Don't break me the back open", "You've become kind of dick lately", "He's a real fuckman", "He focks cattle". Yes, for some screw ups you just have to be Dutch to understand: "That's a nice clean-shave cut!" You hear that a lot on all kinds of movie sets.

It's all very interested. Besides from the occasional wordily foul-up, also from grammar crop up many mistakes. This can well and that can not. First shooting, then asking: "What do you?" I mean "What do you mean?" Well I mean it's all not easy at all. Now, some of you readers out there might not be very interesting and some might even go so far to think I'm doing easy, but I really worked very hardly on this piece!

Expressions
Dutch is a very lively language which is continuously evolving, sometimes under the influence of a single person. One of the most prolific enrichers of expressions in recent decades is soccer player/coach Johan Cruijff. A short anthology: "Every advantage has its disadvantage"; "Before I make a mistake, I don't make that mistake"; "I'm still convinced that the way I do it, is the way it should be done, otherwise I wouldn't do it."; "I don't believe, because I'm no believer, but I think there's something else, but that's how I believe that what I think is there." Mr. Cruijf played and coached a major part of his career in Spain where he also left his mark. This is one expression the Spanish hadn't heard before: "En un momento dado (..)"

Dutch is also a very imagy language. Many expressions use images. Guess what this means: "I do not wish to fall with the door in house but you have a nice bundle of wood in front of your door. We have to look further than our nose is long, otherwise we'll just be jumping from the heel to the branch. Did I fall through the basket? Well, I hope that sticks a heart beneath your belt. Now that the monkey is out of the sleeve, don't make a mosquito into an elephant. Things are running like a tit! When you're fed up like a plug, that's just death in the pot. But now I must leave the church before the singing or we will sit with the baked pears. I don't want to be the cigar. Just give the pipe to me, already."

This has no sin. How can I explain it how it is to be a Dutch person speaking English to you? It would be like explaining you to me how it is to be speaking Dutch to me. But of course you can it not explain, because you speak none Dutch!

For closure's sake, here are some of your English expressions which use the word 'Dutch' (from Wikipedia):

Going Dutch, to split the cost of a purchase, usually a meal, evenly between several parties
Dutch courage, courage from intoxication
Dutch Defence, a chess opening
Dutch auction, an auction in which prices fall as sale progresses
Dutch angle, in film, a severely tilted camera angle
Dutch book, a method of guaranteeing a profit in gambling
Dutching, a method of sharing the risk of losing in gambling
Double Dutch, which has a few different meanings

Now I don't think those are particularly nice references. There are still so many misunderstandings between our peoples. But this one I know you know: "Pass the dutchie on the left hand side."

On September 20^th Maarten H. Rijkens follow-up We always get our sin too is scheduled to appear.