Have the Marriage of Your Dreams in 3 Simple Steps

Communication is very difficult in marriage, especially when one or both partners feel lonely and unappreciated. But every marriage can improve, and many can become more fulfilling than you have ever dreamed if you follow the steps outlined below.

No matter how long you have been married, chances are you have had a moment when it seems you are both talking in circles. You express your needs for love and affection, for tenderness and sincerity. He looks at you like as if you've just been the judge and jury convicting him of a terrible crime. You are pleading for security and attention and he looks at you wondering why what he does for you is never enough. A woman wants love and a man wants to feel good about what he is doing for his wife. But in many marriages there is need not being met. So typically the wife initiates a conversation with a desire to improve the marriage and something goes terribly wrong. Before long she is caught up in a spiraling argument filled with complaints and criticisms, hurt feelings and in the end a lot of regret. After the argument the husband may feel as if he has failed his wife once again and no matter how hard he works at his job, or how much time he spends with the family, his wife will never be satisfied with him. The wife feels that no matter how much she does for the kids, her work and the home, her needs will forever go unnoticed and she will never feel treasured and adored like she so desperately wants. Does this sound familiar?

There are some simple changes in perception that can help end this horrible cycle of pain in your marriage. They are simple changes but they are not simple to do. Unfortunately it is a paradigm shift for whoever it is who is brave enough to attempt it. But if you are brave enough, your efforts will give you exactly what you want. A restored, mutually satisfying marriage.

Rule #1 for the wife

Shift your focus off your needs and onto his.

I know this seems like a shift back into the dark ages but believe me...it works. Instead of sitting your husband down for a talk about how you'd like to see him giving you more affection and attention, model the kind of affection and attention you are looking for. Men don't want to be "talked to." They feel like they are being scolded. They feel like you were just waiting for this moment when you can unleash all your dissatisfaction onto him. They will instantly become defensive, even if they won't admit it. No one likes to be "called out" and especially not a husband. Bottom-line is it won't get you want you want. At best, it will get you a reaction that is evoked from your suggestion not from his heart. You'll get a pat on the pack, a hug, a kiss etc that he will be giving you because you asked for it. And it may seem worth it but in the end you will feel that these efforts are insincere and your husband is just placating you. So model what you'd like to see instead.

Show him your love by paying attention to him, caressing his arm while you talk, looking into his eyes and giving him hugs and kisses when he comes home for the day. Tell him nice things about himself, either the way he looks for something he is doing that deserves recognition. Thank him for taking out the trash, for working hard for his family and for caring about the bills. Thank him for being funny and smart and responsible. The effect this will have on your husband will be phenomenal. He will want to give you affection if you treat him this way.

Rule #2 for the wife

Do it because its the right thing, not to get what you want.

A wife should be supportive and loving and respectful to her husband. Period. You should not be that way in order to get something you want in return. Your love for him should be bigger than that. He was not put on this planet to fulfill your desires. His job is not to make you happy. His job is to be loving and kind to you and to provide for his family and be responsible and mature. You should be willing to do the right thing without regard to what his response will be. You can't control your husband and if you try, it will not go your way. Your goal should be for a strong, restored and mutually satisfying marriage. Mutually means not at the expense of your husband's freedom and self-respect. Don't allow yourself to want to be loved so badly that you are willing to do anything to get it, including harming your marriage. How backwards is that? No matter what your husband's reaction, just do the right thing. You will be a better person for it.

Rule #3 for the wife

Be patient.

Just because you are doing the right thing for the right reasons and you are modeling the way your want to be treated, doesn't mean you will not have waves of sadness because your own needs are still not being met. Be patient. Remember that no matter how desperate you get, criticizing your husband and complaining will NOT EVER give you the desired effect. Even if he responds to your complaint with more affection in actions, in his heart he will begin to resent you. So be patient. If your husband does not notice a change right away stay your course. Do not give up. He will notice a beautiful gentle spirit in you and he will respond. I promise. It just make take a while. Longer than a day, a week or even in some cases many months. But if your husband still loves you, he will begin to respond.

You might ask at this point, what about the marriage that is truly falling apart. What if you are a wife and you are desperate to save your marriage but your husband has disengaged and seems as if he could not care less about your feelings at all. If that describes the situation you are in please listen very carefully.
Unless your husband is being abusive to you, all the rules above apply. It is a difficult road to take. I know it is not really what you wanted to hear. But pleading and begging your husband to love you will only push him away further. And if his heart is hard and set against you, your behavior in that way will only confirm his opinions of you and make it that much harder for him to see you any other way.

This is really about taking care of yourself and making sure you are the best person you can possibly be to everyone, even a husband who is not giving you what you need. Remember, its not his job to make you happy but it should be his delight. And if you make yourself easy to love instead of pushy and critical, you will be further along in ultimately having the kind of marriage you have always dreamed of.