"Have a Nice Day": Why Do People Have to Be so Optimistic to Me?

I can't make it through one miserable day without someone thrusting their disgusting optimism on me. It's as if enforcing their simpering words of justice through the whimsical art of mandatory kindness will really make a difference in this droll existence I'm wallowing through. It's not right to strike me in the face with your own brand of sickening charity; wishing me-no, demanding me-to have the nicest day possible. Great! As if I didn't have enough pressure on my scrawny shoulders as it is, now I have to go and have a nice day, just for you.

You might say to me, "what the heck is your problem? Everyone likes to have a nice day!"

Well sorry, chum, but being forced to have a generally good day is like being dragged along on a stupid family reunion with the usually alcoholic relatives and bad tofu salad. Let's face it; some days are just going to be bad. You know that it's going to be an awful twenty-four hours on the job when you wake up and find a cockroach infestation in your bed, your shoes are on fire, and the bathroom imploded into a black hole. Not only has your toilet been sucked into another dimension, but your whole collection of Nirvana CDs were in the shower-so now they've gone bye-bye, too. Of course, if you still listen to Nirvana, I pity you and I think it might have been a good thing that they were trapped in a galactic flux. Oh wait, the band was already in a galactic flux since whats-his-name had a really bad day. Yeah, someone once told Kurt to have a nice day, and look how swell things went for him.

Spare me all your well-wishes and anemic smiles; I feel like just tearing my head off and quite frankly I like it that way. It gives me something to look forward to after I bang my head against the wall for half an hour. Don't waste your candy-corn laughs on me; save it for a rainy day, kids. Because of your adamant insistence that I have a nice day, you are contributing to my early death. At this point I'll be an alcoholic by age twenty two and I'll be in a correctional facility by my seventh birthday.

See, its already started-I can't even think straight.

I can understand why people feel the need to extend the long arm of generosity towards my melancholy form-but in all honesty, please refrain from doing so. You wouldn't shine light on a vampire, would you? For God's sake, if I'm having a bad day, four words aren't going to help. Take it from me: the last time I told someone to have a nice day, I walked away with three broken bones and a black eye. And all I said to the security guard was to enjoy his day, and not to worry about that broken glass all over the floor. Through my ski mask, I uttered those fatal words, and he just started to wail on me with that accursed nightstick.
Telling someone to have a nice day isn't advisable under the following circumstances:
---After dumping pig's blood all over them
---Admitting that the child is, in fact, theirs
---Repeatedly punching said person in the face
---Telling everyone on the tour bus that the world will perish in flames
---Pressing the big red button labeled "DO NOT PRESS"

Of course, the list goes on, but I won't waste your time with it. To help you along with what exactly a bad day might be like-and how you know if a bad day is definitely underway-I've compiled a list of common things associated with the "bad day complex."

---If you wake up and you realize you don't remember the day, month, or year, just go back to sleep because otherwise its going to be one looooong day.

---If you return to your dormitory and hear the faint quacking of a duck from inside your sanctum, do not open the door. Don't even touch the doorknob; the sound of a fowl predator almost certainly means that your room has been possessed by Zuul, Dark Lord of Gozer and the keeper of the Shadowy Grove. Unless you want to let forth the blood of the Hated One, leave immediately and just sleep in the hallway.

---As soon as you step out from your room, look around you: if you spot an orangutan seemingly floating in midair, go back in and lock the door. I have no idea what this means and I still don't, but I don't want to find out.

---The sighting of the ghostly visage of Ben Franklin is thought to bring bad luck, most especially to history majors. You know it's a bad day when Ben Franklin is chilling out in your room.

---If all your pens have been replaced with knives, it's going to be a horrible day, because knives don't produce ink too well.

---You know you're having a bad day when all your roommates have fused together to form Voltron-and they forgot to include you.

---You know you're having a bad day when the Lord of the Sith tells you that he's your father.

---A bad day is probably underway if you trip and break your leg. At that point, the whole year is pretty much shot.

---If you hear your clock start talking to you, chances are you are insane and many bad days lie in wait for you.

Well, all in all, I'm sure this has been a bad day for all of you. But don't be scared; out of the 365 we tread, I am sure you'll stumble across only 100 bad days. That's really saying something.
I hope this guide has helped you to better understand what a sociopathic frost wraith I am-and more importantly, why.

Have a nice day, everybody!