Have the Perfect Wedding...Sans Stress

Tis the season to be married. Fa la la la la . . . oh, it's not that joyous for you? Well, why not?

I have valuable information for the perfect wedding day. I'm giving this information up freely since I just turned 40 and haven't had a date since Clinton was in office. It would just be wrong to keep it to my self. Here goes.

You need to know two crucial words when planning your wedding. They are: ALL INCLUSIVE!

That's right. There are too many really great all-inclusive options on the market for any bride to lose her cool on this ONE DAY. Why would you pick this day to have a fit, argue with your mother, cuss out a caterer and slap your beloved because you've over extended yourself? Some women make getting married seem like the worst thing on the planet to experience.

If you are having a traditional church wedding (geared toward your religious beliefs) wouldn't it behoove you to be on your best behavior? Shouldn't you have an "attitude" checklist for your bridesmaids to help you through the rough times?

Back in the day, it was the parents and bridal party's responsibility to take care of everything. The bride just needed to show up, be cute, take pictures and then go off to be Mrs . . . . Now, most women believe they can do it all and that only their opinion counts. "It's my day" is what I heard a bride yell at her dad when the ice sculptor didn't do whatever the heck ice sculptures are suppose to do.

"My day", I thought. There were about 100 people in the room, but it was "her" day. It was exclusive to her. She had forgotten that she was becoming "one" with another person and that maybe he would be insulted by her staking claim for the whole day.

We are now being conditioned to believe that women are supposed to act like spoiled children on this day. With shows like "Bridezilla" and other reality theme horror epics, we are subjected to these seemingly beautiful, crazy women who act like the entire day is being sponsored by Burger King. The only way to have it your way is to be the ONLY one at the event!

Plus, many women are waiting until they are well into their 30's and . . . 40's . . . to get married. I get scared watching grown women talk about how they want to be "Princesses". I can't help but think, "She is so wrapped up in this one day. Will she leave him the first time she catches him in the kitchen drinking milk out of the carton, scratching his butt and farting." Okay, that's another stereotype. But, I have brothers. It happens.

Anyway, here are some wonderful ideas for weddings that will not break you, your parents or whoever is paying for this gig.

But, before I go on. Let me touch on the money issue. If you are making $15,000 a year and your beloved is making $25,000 - - That's $40,000. You cannot afford ANYTHING Donald Trump did for his wedding. I am so tired of seeing people spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on weddings only to end up living in their parent's basement; waiting patiently for their parents to die so they and their children can move into the upper rooms. Sad.

Here ya Go!

The Wedding:

Think about a theme. All-Inclusive weddings at a remote locations are very popular. This will limit your guest list to the immediate family and few friends. They should expect to pay for their own tickets. You should pick up mom and dads tickets as a gift. Those who can't afford to pay can participate in the reception.

The Reception:

Rent a place that has either a big screen TV or multi-screen TV capabilities. Have the wedding video taped and play it through out the reception. Have a few still pictures for your guest. A good theme for this is to buy little bottles and put the picture in the bottle if you were married on an island. Either have the bottles inscribed with your wedding info or print clear labels, using a marriage script and place them on the bottles.

By having a wedding when and where ever you wish, you can save money for a reception to be held at a later day. How about your first anniversary? Receptions that are held months later reassure your family and friends that their gift will not be wasted.

I know people who have had beautiful weddings and got their divorce papers on the DAY of their first year anniversary.

So . . . waiting a year for a reception is not unreasonable.

Bridal Party:

Bridesmaids, Groomsmen, ushers, flower girls, bell ringer . . . Why?! These are people who are just trying to steal a part of something bigger than them and you feel guilty because you wore that ugly, puce green dress at your friends wedding.

As for the fella's. Men go to weddings because they are either getting married, were told by their wives they are going or, like the movie "Wedding Crasher" suggest, to find desperate, lonely bridesmaids.

Here's how you handle these folks.

Take pictures with them. Get a portrait taken with your "real/true" friends, in their true form and then suits and dresses. Then, during the reception, choose your colors. Yes, do all of the stuff you would with a normal wedding. You'll use it all. Choose the color scheme and have your friends come to the wedding wearing that color. No specific design; just the color.

My friends are from very diverse backgrounds, cultures and religious forums. I want them all to show up in white and a style that suits their personality.

My friend Tammy is 5'11 and GORGEOUS. I know she will wear something sexy, confident and stunning. My buddy Chuck (who looks like Luther Vandross) will be in white linen. He's cool like that. Sally, well, she's into Sammy Hagar and Jen is into Lenny Kravitz. I can ONLY imagine what they will wear. But, as long as it's white, I don't care. They are my friends because of the content of their spirit.

Okay, by having the all inclusive deal, reception and pictures; you can budget well in advance to make all of this happen. And have an open bar, purchase gifts or even have a sit-down dinner. You shouldn't be depressed after you get married. I know the norm is to argue about money after the wedding, but . . . it doesn't seem necessary when you have a plan.

I'm including some links for your consideration on places to go. Yes, Vegas is on the list. Here's a tidbit about Vegas. You don't have to stay on the strip.

Vegas is huge and has so many things to offer. Since so many people visit and too many stay on the strip; other venues are popping up around town - spas, Karaoke bars, tours of the Grand Canyon, family theater. Loads of fun.

So, click on some of the links, get some ideas and live happily ever after. Stress free.