Have You Seen This Type of Employee at Your Job?

In the eighteen years I've been part of the workforce, I've worked for companies that range from a few as ten employees to global corporations. But, whether it's a small family owned business or a global conglomerate, I seem to constantly keep running into the same "types." How many do you recognize from your work experience?

The Seagull Manager
This individual is aptly named because he or she flies in at random, defecates over everything, and then leaves it up to everyone else to clean up the mess. The Seagull Manager is also notable for making a lot of noise about trivial things until everyone around scrambles around them to see what's the matter, thus gratifying their demand for attention at all times.

The Breadwinner
In smaller companies, this is usually the company's top salesperson whose word is law. In corporations, it's the alpha that sets the standards for everyone else's sales quotes. They're usually so ingrained to the owner or department head they might as well be an appendage. This person is usually immune to logical reasoning and expects your highest performance when doing work with their customers, yet constantly interrupts you when you're trying to get it done.

The Slacker With Years of Experience
Slackerdom is hardly unique, but doesn't there always seem to be one guy or girl who has been with the company for more years than you can imagine and has no useful purpose what-so-ever. They exist on the sheer weight of their past accomplishments. They also kiss butt way better than you do. Most of these types can often be spotted wandering around the premises at all times checking up on what everyone else is doing, while simultaneously doing nothing on their own.
The Eager Newbie
The second most annoying of all company stereotypes, this person is the one who goes out of their way to point out every little flaw they spot. Unlike a dog that's temporarily satisfied with a quick pat on the head, the Eager Newbie constantly strives to point out every little imperfection in everyone else's work to prove how valuable they are as an employee. This person rarely admits to their own mistakes and has no problem making twice the amount of work for everyone else, but is supremely put out if you request they make an extra effort to make your job easier.

And, last but not least....

The I-Don't-Give-A-Crap-Until-It's-My-Butt-On-The-Line Person
This is the co-worker that you must avoid befriending at all costs! At first they seem like your friend and they bitch and moan about the company's shortcomings as much as you do. But, when it comes down to who-screwed-this-up, they're the first person to point the finger elsewhere. And, usually that finger ends up pointed at you; often the middle one standing straight up behind your back. For as cool and uncaring as they act, they know they've got an easy gig and they're willing to pass any buck they can to make their own life easier. Never been fooled into telling this person too much, because it will always come back to haunt you. And, never go out to happy hour with them...unless you're looking for blackmail material.

So, how many did you recognize? One? Two? Most likely you recognized all of them. They all seem to exist at every job I go to, no matter how often I switch jobs. It would be nice of they had a form of Valtrex for annoying co-workers, but I don't think that's likely to happen. But, the good news is that after you spend enough time studying these unique creatures in their natural habitat, you learn how to properly spot and identify them. Once you've identified your co-worker's type, follow the same rules you would at the zoo: don't stick your hand out close enough for them to bite, never show fear, and smile calmly whenever they seem especially agitated. The last part may be very difficult during stressful times, but it's important to smile no matter how outrageous they're acting. Do it often enough and eventually they'll start to wonder what you're up to. After all, it's not paranoia if someone really is out to get you.