Have I Spoiled My Children? What Happens If I Do?

How many times have you bought a gift for your child, only to watch the child react with indifference? These situations remind us that we sometimes give gifts because our children really want or need them, but to meet some need of our own. Many parents today are more affluent than their own. Consequently, parents often struggle to find a balance between sharing the benefits of their affluence and giving them too much. Sometimes we unconsciously give our children those things we wanted but didn't have as children.

When your generosity leads to spoiling, it is a burden rather than a gift. When your generosity keeps your child from learning that you must give to get, your child has been spoiled. Healthy adults recognize that one has to contribute to society to receive its benefit. Spoiled people, however, have never learned the proper relationship between contribution and remuneration.

What exactly is meant by spoiling a child? The word "spoil" means to damage or render unfit. A spoiled child has been emotionally or socially damaged and rendered unfit to meet the challenges of adult living. Adults who were spoiled as children have a blatant disregard for order, fair play, justice and regularity. They demand their way without regard to their impact on others. Their sense of justice is under developed. Healthy adults, on the other hand, recognize the need for order, regularity and justice in social relationships.

Generosity leads to spoiling when its effect is to rob the child of self reliance, self confidence and productivity - and the dignity that flows from hard work followed by a reward. You can tell if you have spoiled your children by measuring their regard for order and their attitude toward cooperation. If they show no interest in cooperating with others, but insist on getting their own way, they may be spoiled. If they show little or no regard for order, procedures, structure, rules and taking turns, they may be spoiled.

As parents we are called to be freely generous with our love, affection, support, encouragement and guidance. However, we need to carefully share our affluence in such a way that we don't underestimate the values of effort, fair play, contribution, patience, self reliance and personal dignity.