Hawaiians Could Get Tribal Status If Bill Passes Congress

How are things going in your tribe? Maybe you're not a member of a tribe. Did you ever think of joining one?

Among the busy and important things your Congress is doing for you is passing the Native Hawaiian Government Reorganization Act. If you have to draw an extra breath when you say it, don't worry. Savvy Hawaiians know it as the "Akaka Bill," named after Senator Daniel Akaka, who was elected partly because he supports tribal identity.

At first, I was dismissive of the notion, and then I thought long and hard about it. My parents came from Sicily so I immediately realized it might be great to have a state ruled entirely by Sicilians. Of course, all the benefits of having Sicilian tribal status can only be obtained by an act of Congress. The Akaka bill did pass the House of Representatives last week, so I'm sure the Sicilian Tribal Initiative can't be far behind.

Right now, I'm busy rounding up all the Sicilians in Pennsylvania to stand behind me in obtaining this special tribal status. My great-uncle, Don Rizzo Scarfino of South Philadelphia, has fought for this honor ever since he was a baby, pushed us around the city by his mother in baby carriages filled with bootleg whisky.

Perhaps you, too, can have your own tribal identity and thereby have many financial benefits bestowed upon you. All you've got to do is get together with other Armenian-Americans or Amish-Americans, or Azerbaijani-Americans or Whatnot-Americans and have a Senator front for you.

That way you can be entitled to special home and business loans and participate in educational and housing programs tailor-made for your particular tribe. Don't forget that your vote could have more impact in your state than the votes of non-tribal schmucks in your state. Well, I shouldn't say "schmucks" because, no doubt, Senator Schumer, who frequently uses the word, will soon have a bill in Congress advocating for tribal status, too.

Oh, wait-there's a problem. The Supreme Court ruled some years ago in the case of Rice vs. Cayetano that special racial entitlements were unconstitutional. That ruling had a great impact on the Aloha state (Hawaii, if I must say so) which had passed laws granting special voting privileges to ethnic Hawaiians with a certain percentage of aboriginal blood in them.

The Supreme Court ruled then that the underweighting of the votes of non-ethnic Hawaiians, sometimes derisively called Haoles, violated the 14^th Amendment Equal Protection Clause.

It was back to the drawing board for Senator Akaka, who brilliantly resurrected the 1974 Supreme Court decision in the case of Morton v. Mancari (no relation). In that case, the court upheld the racial guidelines for special power and privileges only in the case of "quasi-sovereign tribal entities." That leaves open the possibility that we can all transcend our racial limitations and join with tribes like the Iroquois of upstate New York to establish our own gambling casinos and sovereign territories free from the nuisance laws of the United States.

If you're thinking of teaming up with an ethnic group of Gaelic Baptists or Aztec-Americans to form your own tribe, there are a few tips you should know:

First of all, the Constitution gives only the federal government the power to confer tribal status upon you. Secondly, you should be aware of the distinctions between the concepts of race and ethnicity as compared to actual tribalism. To prove the latter, you have to show that your particular group had a long-standing history of self-governance as a tribal entity. Sicilians would certainly qualify, according to my own mother, but I don't know about those Anglicans who came over on the Mayflower. For a long time, they rejected tribal associations and preferred to be ruled by the King of England.

Mr. Akaka is charging full speed ahead in getting the federal government to give tribal status to ethnic Hawaiians. Senator Akaka feels that this would be a sort of reparation for the overthrow of Queen Liliuokalani in 1893. It's likely though that Mr. Akaka might face significant obstacles within his own state constitution which encouraged immigration from all over the world and specifically stated that all Hawaiians were of "one blood."

Of course, this current Congress is very well disposed toward "engagement" with other sovereign tribal nations. It's very likely the White House will soon "reach out" to the Hawaiian tribalists in the hope of averting bloody civil strife. After all, the President himself, said by some to be lacking in American citizenship, can certainly claim Hawaiian tribal status. His Hawaiian birth certificate says so.