He Has Kids and I Don't -- Should We Get Married?

So, you've finally found your prince charming. He's wonderful and perfect on all accounts. He handsome, he's mature, he's stable, he has a great career and he even has kids! What could be better, right? Well, not exactly. While many second marriages and blended families can work, it doesn't happen without a tremendous amount of effort.

If you are a single woman about to marry a man with children from a previous relationship, there are a few things you should consider before you ride off into the sunset with your knight in shining armor. Make sure that you ask yourself some very important questions or you just might find that your dream of happily ever after has turned into a nightmare from hell.

What Kind of Relationship Does He Have with His Ex?

The obvious answer to this question is that his relationship with his ex-wife is probably not very good since they are divorced, right? This could be true or not. Much of it will depend on how long he has been divorced and why. Many divorced couples are able to have a civil relationship for the sake of their children.

However, if he does not get along with his ex-wife, chances are you will be seen as the "other woman" in her children's lives and could be seen as a threat. Not to mention, she could also negatively influence her children against you as well. Translation: She could make your life very difficult.

On the other hand, if you discuss these potential pitfalls with your future husband and you are confident in the strength of your relationship, then proceed. Just be aware that a contentious relationship with the ex-wife absolutely will test and strain your relationship.

What Role Does He Expect You to Play in the Lives of His Children?

Many men expect their new wife to step into the role of mother for their children right away. If he has always conceded the role of parenting to his ex-wife, then he may be especially eager for you to step in and become the parent. Are you ready to take on that responsibility?

While the notion of motherhood may be appealing to you, even under the best of conditions it can be an exhausting and impossible job. So, before you make that very important leap, begin by considering a few questions like these:

• How do you feel about his children?

• Have you taken the time to get to know them?

• Do they trust you?

• Do they even like you?

• Do you like them?

• Who will discipline the children and how?

• Can you accept being thought of as the evil step-mother for a while?

• Can you forge a working relationship with their mother?

It cannot be overstated how important it is that you are aware that the answer to any of these questions could determine how easy or difficult your new role as a step-mother will be.

Becoming a step-mother before you are ready or understand the gravity of the situation, could be a nail in the coffin of your marriage before it even begins. Make sure you give serious consideration to these questions before you walk down the aisle. Your future and happiness will depend on it.

How Often Will the Children Visit?

Every newlywed bride wants to spend quality time with her new husband. The relationship is new and exciting and nothing is more satisfying and fulfilling for a woman than to spend loving time with her man.

But, if he has children, you will have to sacrifice your time with him so he can spend time with them. Furthermore, depending on what kind of relationship he has with his children, he may feel guilty for divorcing their mother and want to spend even more time with them to compensate for his absence.

This can be very difficult for a new wife who does not have children of her own and can lead to resentment and bitterness toward the children. But, remember, he was their father before he was your husband and he was married to their mother before you became his wife.

While this may be a difficult pill to swallow, these are the realities of a man with children. If you're not willing to sacrifice your time with him and make room for his children, you might want to reconsider the relationship entirely.

Do You Plan to Have Children of Your Own?

It is one thing to love your nieces, your nephews, your cousins and even your step-kids. But, there is no love like the love a mother has for her own child.

If you plan on having children of your own, you must be prepared for the differences in how you feel about your own child, compared to how you feel for your step-children. Many mothers are shocked at the profound differences of affection they feel toward their own biological child compared to how they feel about their step-children.

In addition, children often intuitively understand something even if they cannot verbalize it. If you show preferential treatment to your own child over your step-children, they will see the difference and will undoubtedly resent you for it.

Again, acquaint yourself with the potential issues that could arise if you decide to have children of your own so that you are not blindsided when difficulties arise.

For Better or for Worse is a Long Time - Are you Ready?

Even under the best conditions, marriage can be trying and difficult. It is important then, that you bear in mind you will be entering into a family unit that has already been broken down once by the pain of divorce. So, before you say yes to second marriage and blended family , make sure your expectations are realistic and that you are prepared to dig in and do the necessary work for the long haul.

Sources:

Focus on Family
Personal Experience