He Said WHAT?

I love lists. Ever since I saw the first back cover of my first album, I've loved lists. Lists let me know what to expect, and when to expect it. Lists let me know if there's more stuff, what stuff comes next, when stuff is over. All of life should be that easy.

So here's a list for you, one that addresses that age-old question: "so just how stupid is he?" It's not presented in any particular preference or order. As far as I know, I made up the whole list, often right in the middle of reading an email, so feel free to lift any item in my list, for any purpose you find appropriate. You never know. As a wonderfully wise woman once told me, "don't ever let stupid people get you down, 'cause you're never gonna meet the last one."

Maybe, one day, you'll need to make a joke, or close a deal, or seal a job interview. Or maybe you'll just simply feel a sudden need to seem superior to people you're not, in fact, superior to. (Take, for example, those yawn-dart purists who would like to stab you in the neck for ending a sentence with "superior to.")

This is a list that has value in any place or time. It could seem even more relevant right now, given our proximity to a Congressional election season, but that's just one of life's delicious coincidences, like $90,000 turning up in the freezer of Louisiana Democrat William Jefferson ("I have WHAT?"), or Sarah Palin suddenly appearing in Iowa while adamantly considering not theoretically running for President. ("I'm where?")

For expediency's sake, I'll use the male pronoun throughout the list; however, the list applies equally to males and females, or however many genders America has this week.

Besides, I don't need any more women mad at me. Women already treat me like some kind of half-clothed freak because I hold doors open for them, an action which used to be a sign of common courtesy but, at some point in recent American history, appears to have become an infuriating chauvinistic insult. I must've missed that meeting, probably while I was out insulting waitresses by leaving them tips and complimenting their smiles.

So. Without further ado, let's discuss "stupid." Enjoy!

• He's so stupid that I sometimes wonder if he's twins. No one human being could be that stupid.

• He's so stupid that he wore a tie to work because he heard that a customer was "receiving miss information."

• It's the kind of stupidity that blots out sunlight.

• He's so stupid that I worry about his neck. The slightest breeze, and that unoccupied skull could collapse like a Mylar balloon.

• He walked disappointedly out of the lunch buffet, because the Sneeze Guard sign read, "Please use a new plate for each visit," and he hadn't thought to bring any new plates with him.

• He's so stupid that I don't how he manages to dress himself without poking out an eye. And I mean the eye of a human in the car in the lane next to him.

• He says stuff that's so stupid, I question myself. I worry that I'm hallucinating, because no mammal with a larynx would say anything that stupid.

• He's so stupid that I drove three hours to his office, just to see what he lookedlike. I had to know. I wanted to see if it showed.

• This is ... I don't know what it is ... stupid cubed, maybe. It's staggering. I don't think I'm being fully appreciative of the spectacle I'm witnessing. It's a gift. I'm in awe. I should sell tickets.

• I don't know where his retinas are sending their information.

• He's so stupid that he publishes a "How To Be Stupid" newsletter. (Actually, he does no such thing, but he's so stupid that I told him he was publishing a newsletter, and then talked him into writing me a check for the postage to mail his newsletter.)

• He says stuff like, "I need you to undo what you did when we did that thing so we wouldn't have to undo what he did after we were. O?" For all I know, that's an encrypted military code from the Vatican, okaying the carpet-bombing of Baptist hot-dish suppers in Cleveland.

• He's so stupid that he bought a car because it featured "air, power steering and way more," and the car salesman managed to talk him into buying an optional leather case for his "way more."

• It's a very special cerebral structure that allows an even moderately-endowed biped to think up questions like, "If I change the file, will that make it different?"

• Again. He forgot again. He forgot AGAIN. I don't know how he remembers, two days in a row, to wake up.

• I need a ruling. This one ... this person is ... you weren't there, so you can't ... this is ... this one may need to be ... how do I put this gracefully ... did you ever see the movie "Old Yeller?"

• He's stupid as if stupid were a gift from Zeus.

• Not his fault, of course. It goes without saying that this level of damage is the result of some violent childhood playground accident, possibly involving sharp objects and an unsupervised vise, or prank-pulling thugs from some disgruntled Teachers' Union, or water fountain contamination from a nearby nuclear spill.

So there you are. Hope that helps, one day, when the time and place call for it. Cause they're out there, ready to amaze you. As someone much more clever than I likes to say, "Did you hear that? Whoa. He may not be smart, but he sure is stupid."

You may be wondering if this list is a "tribute" to a specific person. If my compilation could have been triggered by some recent staggeringly stupid event.

And if you come back in an hour, or a week, or a month, trust me - you'll still be wondering.

After all, I mean ... c'mon. I'm not stupid.