Head of the Country

Some days ago, the news reported that President Obama had bumped his head on the doorway of Marine One, his official helicopter. And then, as we all watched, the entire planet clutched its collective heart, and lost its collective ever-lovin' mind.

A heartbroken CNN quickly announced a mourning vigil, and API set up a skull bureau. MSNBC threw together a Support Obama's Head Phone Center, and immediately fielded calls from both their remaining viewers. The New York Times launched an investigative series into helicopter door budget shortfalls, and another probe into helicopter door cost overruns. Geraldo Rivera posted an exposé on the rising incidence of head bumps in Aruba. Celebrity lawyer Gloria Allred offered her services, in case anybody anywhere wanted to sue anybody for anything. And FoxNews issued a "FoxNews Alert," as they tend to do every 11 seconds or so.

The rogue helicopter was quickly wrestled to the ground by alert White House security and then transported to Gitmo for what would surely be an intense interrogation, including the dreaded and publicly unpopular tactic of "skateboarding." As a security measure, Vice President Biden was spirited away to an undisclosed location, where he bumped his own head on Dick Cheney, who then mistakenly shot the attending Secret Service agent. Meanwhile, the President himself was rushed to the hospital to be thoroughly checked out, but no X-rays or MRIs were necessary, due to the President's policy of total transparency.

An independent astronomer in Chicago noted an unusually high psychic activity level among empaths in the Rigel star system, an observation that was confirmed by three Wise Men. Conspiracy theorists were quick to blame the helicopter incident on an insidious vast no-wing conspiracy. Code Pink sympathizers rushed to pink-mob-strength outside the White House fence, waving pink, hand-lettered, misspelled, grammatically-incorrect signs, displaying timely, relevant slogans like "AMERICA IS THE GREAT SANTA," whatever that means.

An ad hoc Congressional inquiry sprang up, in which several members pointed out that the helicopter had not been built in their districts, which is really unfair, because they were firmly on record as being solidly pro-helicopter. Further funding was appropriated in order to insure that unemployed helicopter maintenance technicians would not lose their pensions, and a couple of banks, chosen at random, were given 400 billion dollars.

Shortly, White House mouthpiece Robert "Obviously" Gibbs released a comforting public statement, containing several actual verbs. "Obviously, we're looking into this, and though I obviously don't want to get ahead of things, I, you know. Obviously, our administration inherited that helicopter. All the evidence isn't in, obviously, but it clearly looks to be George Bush's fault. We, um." Gibbs firmly denied the rumor that First Lady Michelle Obama, upon hearing the news, had been so distraught that she nearly bought a dress off-the-rack.

A spokesperson for the helicopter refused to comment.