Healing Broken Trust in Your Relationship

A lack of trust can be death a relationship but what can you do when your partner has damaged your trust but you made an agreement to stay and work it out? This can be a difficult experience to go through but if you care about your relationship, you want to give it every chance you can.

The first step is forgiveness. The problem with this is that it is easier said than done. Quite often, people will say they forget someone but they never truly let it go. This isn't real forgiveness. Forgiving is an act. It's a choice that you make and it' something you have to do for yourself, not for the other person. Sometimes we say we forgive but in our hearts, we never truly let go of the thing that hurt us and it comes back again and again.

Have you ever been lying in your bed trying to sleep at night months later and then the thing that hurt you pops into your head? You want to sleep and you try to brush it away but still the memories are there, as clear as the day they happened and you want to cry- or get up and punch someone in anger? This means you never truly forgave the person, even if you said you had.

Once you have truly forgiven, you need to learn to trust your partner again. This means you cannot sit around and expect that they are going to do the thing that hurt you once again. If they cheated, you have to trust them to go out alone without you again and not expect that they are going to be with someone else.

Maybe it was looking at porn or chatting sexually with someone online and you're afraid to leave your partner up at night with the computer. Hanging over their shoulder every minute of the day isn't going to resolve the problem. It may make you feel a little better as you reason that they couldn't have possibly had a chance to do anything wrong. But when you do this, you're showing your partner you don't trust them and in a sense, you're treating them like a child. This can even have the opposite result and make your partner want to do something just because they can't. To rebuild the trust, you have to back off a little and give them a chance.

Some exceptions to this would be if your partner has a real addiction to the thing that broke your trust- such as alcohol or drugs, porn addiction or even sexual addictions. In these cases, it may not be enough for you just to trust them again or for your partner to just say they won't do it again. Your relationship will need professional help and your partner will need to deal with their addictions while you are supportive and understanding to them through it. Addiction isn't a license to do terrible things to the people you love.

However, if you want your relationship to survive an addiction, you have to be willing to trust again. Seek the help you both need and then commit to moving on and commit to one another. Don't expect that you can heal broken trust overnight and if you were the one who was hurt, don't expect that your partner will have to "prove" it to you before you will trust them again. They can never prove this to you- it's a decision you have to make yourself.

You either trust or you don't. Each time we trust, we run the risk of being hurt but it's a chance we take each time. This is why many people who have been hurt find it difficult to make the choice to trust once more. There's nothing wrong with taking a chance and trusting someone you love. Avoiding trust will only hurt you more and make you a cold, hard person.

However, while it isn't your partner's responsibility to prove to you that you can trust them again, they should be willing to do their own part in this process. You should commit as a compromise to one another as a couple. Maybe you're the type of person that needs to hear it from your partner. Then you can ask each day that they tell you, "No, I didn't have a drink today." This isn't a checking in process so you can hound your partner but it's a confirmation to help ease your broken heart.

If you make an agreement like this with your partner, you shouldn't nag them in between the predetermined times that you agree to talk about the issue. You also should avoid ever bringing up the past incident that you've agreed to forgive in an accusing manner such as, "Well, last time you stayed out all night you went to her!"

These tips will help you with healing broken trust in your relationship but they are no magic fix. If you are still troubled or haunted by the pain, suffer from depression due to it or trouble sleeping at night, it's a good idea to talk to someone about it such as your doctor or a religious leader you trust. These things will eat away at you, ruining your health and quality of life.