Healthy Love!

A teacher once asked her class to write down The Seven Natural Wonders of the World. The answer for which she was looking would have been the Grand Canyon, Niagara Falls, Mount Everest, etc. However, one insightful little girl gave an even more appropriate answer: To touch, to taste, to see, to hear, to feel, to laugh and finally and most importantly -- to LOVE -- !!

The natural wonder of love is by far the most important, beautiful and fulfilling. There is nothing greater than the special camaraderie with someone you love. It is that easy chair kind of gentle comfort that goes hand in hand with trust and a steady, sweet patience that comes with the loving commitment..

However,the emotion of love can be complex and painful -- that is, only if you allow it! Catch an episode of Jerry Springer and you'll see love, if you can call it that, at its worst and most unattractive. It's an unhealthy, possessive love that can manifest itself in extreme unhappiness -- only if you allow it, I repeat.

Fortunately, there is a healthy way to love that would ensure an ongoing happiness for both parties.It would be rooted in patience and understanding where pressure is relieved. The key is to not expect someone else to continually create your happiness for you. They would instead be a beautiful enhancement for each other and it would flow along easily. The job of "your happiness" is solely up to you... and only you. In Scott Peck's book, "The Road Less Traveled," there is a chapter appropriately titled "Love is Separateness." He says that "if you expect another person to make you happy, you'll be endlessly disappointed. It is the separateness of the partners that enriches the union. Genuine love not only respects the individuality of the other, but actually seeks to cultivate it."

The essence of a healthy relationship is for couples to be fully aware of who they are as individuals. They need to have full knowledge of their own intrinsic value that can aid them in being more valuable to others. This would remove the negative aspects that can be generated by too many expectations. My mother used to say to my sister and me between boyfriend interims that we should "utilize our time working on planting our own gardens, so that we will be a better bloom for the next person." Consider it a period of healthy nourishment, so that you can pave the way to enrich another's life in a healthier, more loving way.

A meaningful point is that love cannot be defined as the ownership of someone. There is a misconception that possessiveness is equated with love. But there is no room for growth when you're being grasped and held too tightly. Some people believe that dependency is love. Dr. Peck says, "in actuality it is not love; it is a form of anti-love. It nourishes infantilism rather than growth. Ultimately, it destroys rather than builds relationships."

Another unhealthy falsehood of love is in believing the concept that love has to be proven to you by your partner. Don't be under the mistaken impression that real love is synonymous with the bigger, better and most expensive gifts. Be content in the simplicity and security of just "being loved." The relationship would be one of pure enjoyment of each other without unnecessary expectations.

I have a friend who has been married to her husband for several decades. They have busy work schedules, but she says that every day when closing time is near, she gets so excited knowing that she gets to go home to her husband who is anticipating her arrival, as well. This type of healthy excitement of being content to be in the company of the one you love is the essence and root of true love. It is not engulfed in superficial needs and expectations -- just the beautiful simplicity of having them there.

The tradition of buying a diamond ring as an engagement present, perhaps, should be reconsidered. The focus of the marriage from the beginning is on superficialities. It promotes the perception that love needs to be proven by the size and quality of the ring. Would it not be more effective for the ring to be a simple band symbolizing the expectations of an everlasting, solid union? Perhaps, then the marriage, itself, would be the beautiful jewel...a gem... the true natural wonder of the world!