Heath Ledger's Death: A Lesson to Us All

In a combined pathetic world of self loathing and drugs-Heath Ledger's "accidental death" caused a stir not only in New York City's Soho, but across the globe. Due to a bad cold and Nyquil-I took the news of Heath Ledger's death to bed with me and this was the result.

In a dream....Being interviewed at the ABC Studios in New York City by Diane Sawyer for a Good Morning America segment.

Diane Sawyer: (Wearing a bright smile) So Mr. Rodriguez...

Nando: Oh, NO--please call me Nando. (Matching her grin)

Diane Sawyer: (clearing her throat) Nando, we are here to discuss your new movie which you've written the screen play for and are up for an academy award. Tell us. What is the secret to your success?

Nando: Well Diane. (Insert tiny giggle)That is such a tough question. (Getting serious and frowning) Anyone with a creative mind will tell you that "invention" is a process of hard work, determination, and several favors in the sex bank-if you know what I mean. Just like Gwen Stefani's career. We KNOW all about those "sweet escapes" don't we--Gwenny? (Looking into the camera)

(Diane appears confused)

Diane Sawyer: You mean to say that it has nothing to do with talent or the creative process?

Nando: Diane, may I call you Di? (Placing my hand on her lap)

Diane Sawyer: No. (Removing my hand from her lap)

Nando: Let me explain. I may have thrown you off there, sweetie. (Clasping my hands together) I used to be over weight. Yes, I know it's shocking to the ear...

Diane Sawyer: Oh no-- we have plumb photos of you taken by the paparazzi last month.

Nando: What? That's impossible-I started snorting cocai...I mean, I began my healthy lifestyle last month. (Nervous laugh) In any case, 'How did you loose all that pesky weight," you might ask? No I didn't go off on some wild honey elixir potion like Miss Beyonce' and if by "elixir" you mean a secret trip to Brazil for some lipo, well my answer is "no". I did it in the most natural way, Di.

My three step program includes the gym, the idea of conquering this "monkey" (using air quotes) on my back and literally starving to death. I can't stress how starving has helped. After a while, you can feel your stomach shrink and that's the most beautiful thing God can give a human being-unless you're dying in Africa.

Diane Sawyer: The gift of starvation? (In an upset tone) What about life? Isn't that what some consider the "greatest" gift?

Nando: You know Di...

Diane Sawyer: Diane, please!

Nando: Oy, Sweetie, calm down. We need to talk "off camera" about this little anger issue-I'll give you the number to my life coach-she's fabulous!
On a side note, I saw you avoiding carbs at the donut table. You might be a bit peckish. Stanley, be a sweetheart and get Miss Sawyer a little "refreshment." (Snapping my fingers toward Stanley the Producer) Don't worry Hun, it used to happen to me too.

(Raising my index finger to my top lip and nodding) Life is something of a mystery Diane. Take Heath Ledger's life, why not, he did. That's a little humor to lighten the mood Diane. The man had a hefty career and he had no regard for it. I don't feel bad for him Diane, I don't. Not one bit. I do feel bad for his daughter though. She will never know the man who helped create her. But she will always have him immortalized in movies where he showcased his raw creative side. She will be able to watch Brokeback Mountain and see how her father TOPPED one of the hottest closet cases in modern day Hollywood. Little Matilda Ledger will see how her father took something sacred and holy like "man on man" action and brought it to the big screen in a lovely way.

I know the hair person who worked on the flick, and girl, once they yelled "cut" those two didn't stop "rehearsing" their scenes. (Fanning myself) Is it hot in here?

But Diane, I want to talk on a more philosophical level, if I may. Several movies that Heath made were misinterpreted. For Example, Brokeback Mountain--many people saw it as a love story. And it was--but not between two men. Ang Lee was very covert with his movie's message. It was a love story Diane-between a man and his love for fashion. I mean, all those years of longing and lusting over that blue shirt? That's the hidden message. He was a fashionista Diane--in the closet.

But getting back to your question about life--I was raised in the muds of Mississippi. And I learned to depend on me. Just like that Whitney Houston song. Shame what happened to her. Was she cracked out when you interviewed her and that ghetto Bobby? Do you know if he's hung?

Diane Sawyer: First of all, (pointing her pen at me in an accusing manner) in your biography that came out 2 weeks ago-- it says you were raised in Texas.

Nando: Well, technically I was, but my heart was in the muds of Mississippi Diane.
Who ever wrote that biography is wrong. It's that whole James Frey thing all over again. Do I need to book a gig on Larry king live? (Laughing like a mad man) Who wrote that bio?

Diane Sawyer: You did. It's an AUTObiography.

Nando: And you know why I wrote it Diane? For the people. For my sweet people. Besides, are we really defined by location? I grew up next door to Oprah. She and I would play hopscotch and jacks...

Diane Sawyer: Oprah is one of my closest friends and she grew up in Tennessee with her father. And besides, you are too young to have grown up in the same time frame as Oprah.

Nando: Listen, doll face--I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, but when you interview someone, you should really limit "Diane time."

Diane Sawyer: Alright, this interview is over! Get my FUCKING agent on the phone! (pulling her microphone off her blouse and getting out of her chair)I don't need this shit. Now I know why Katie went to prime time. Get that idiot off my set!