Helicopter Parenting is a Good Thing
Our job as parents is to protect our kids and give them the tools they need to both survive and thrive in the real world. We all want at a minimum for our kids to grow up to be productive members of society. The balancing part comes from the survive/thrive spectrum. Helicopter parents focus on the survival half of the equation. Opponents think that helicopter parents create conditions that make it difficult for their kids to thrive.
No one wants to be the parent who suffocates their kid. Our role is to protect them 24 hours a day, seven days a week when they first come into the world and then gradually ease off, giving them more and more freedom and responsibility as they prove ready for the task.
And while kids fight for more freedom, it is ultimately up to the parent to decide what they are ready to handle on their own. There are no universal right or wrong answers. Critics of helicopter parents, especially those being protective of very young children, are not being rational in their arguments.
We all look down at the parents who are too detached from their kids, who don't spend enough time teaching them. Is it not hypocritical then to put parents down who are involved in what goes on in their children's lives?
I've seen parents of three and four-year olds drop their kids off at a soccer or baseball practice and leave. Perhaps those kids are ready for that much independence. I have my doubts. When I'm at ball practice or at a party or at the playground, I am very much a helicopter parent.
There's chance for real danger and I am not going to put my kids' welfare in the hands of anyone else. I want to make sure they don't get into a fight or wander off with older kids or just cause a nuisance to others.
When my two-year old is at the park, I follow her every step of the way. I have hands in front and behind her as she learns to master climbing the curved ladder. I watch her all the way up and down as she first climbs and then goes down the curly-cue slide. I keep eyes on her at all times to make sure she doesn't stray one step from the mulch.
I watch the five-year old, too. I don't worry about him on the ladder or the slide. He long ago proved he could handle those on his own. Instead I watch the other kids who come up to him. I want to know who is playing with him and what they are doing. I saw an older kid whisper in his ear and immediately picked him up and told him not to play with that boy anymore.
You can call that over-protective if you wish. I think it is certainly a case where it was appropriate to be a helicopter parent. I would rather look like an idiot for physically lifting my kid away from what I felt was a dangerous situation rather than find out that some older kid took advantage of my son because I wasn't paying attention.
The older your children get, the less often you should have to act to keep them out of danger. This is because while you never stop watching, hopefully you've given your children the tools to know how to handle themselves in various situations so that they don't get hurt.
Eventually, the two-year old will learn how to climb curved surfaces and the five-year old will learn to say no to creepy kids. Helicopter parents don't have to be detrimental so long as they are teaching their kids at the same time they are protecting them. Explaining why you did what you did and encouraging your kids to look out for themselves and not place themselves in dangerous situations will go a long way to producing self-reliant kids.
The danger with helicopter parents is when parents give no responsibility or faith in their own kids to make decisions to keep themselves safe. Those are the kids who grow up to be Ralph Wiggum - kids unable to make good choices and unable to protect themselves from their own stupidity.
Published by Brian Joura
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10 Comments
Post a CommentI was just involved in a situation where a 13 year old is behind bars as part of a store robbery. Put in that presepective, hovering is not a bad thing.
I was definitely a hoverer.
Be responsible, be involved and be a happy parent who leads by example. SIMPLE!
Regardless what the definition of a helicopter parent is, as Donna Porter just posted, using common sense is an obvious strategy in my mind. And if that's a helicopter parent, then I'm ok with it. The best thing anyone can do is be there for their kids and do what they think is right. Each person has their own 'culture' that they grew up in, and they will pass that culture on to their kids (I don't mean ethnic/religious/etc culture). Letting children try things at the playground, but being there to spot them is best. If a 6 year old slips and falls and you run over to coddle, etc. that's detrimental in my book. If you calmly check on them (and they're physically ok) and tell them it's ok to get up and dust themselves off (and maybe a quick kiss or hug)....that's much healthier in my book...or in my 'culture'. To each his/her own really. Then again some people have kids so there will be someone there to rely on them, and will do anything to create that situation indefinitely...
You must not have looked up the definition of a helicopter parent before you wrote this. Try Wikipedia. You aren't a helicopter parent.
Helicopter parenting is NOT good parenting. With toddlers, of course it is right and proper to hover. The term helicopter parenting has more to do with high school and college aged teens and young adults. If your child is in college but you still do their laundry, have daily contact with their professors, balance their check books, etc, then that is helicopter parenting. At that point, you are no longer being protective but smothering.
Excellent!! :-)
i definitely wouldn't have the patience for this. that's why i should never, ever, ever have kids. ever.
Your approach is good but I think you are really an opponent of helicopter parenting, a term usually used to denote parents of school age children who won't let children learn from their own mistakes, who insist that their kids are always right, must always be catered to, who are so much a part of everything the kid does that they fail to establish proper me-you boundaries. With toddlers and preschoolers, not being there for the kid would be irresponsible.
I never heard of the term but to me, the examples you provided are common sense good parenting (along with some poor examples -- dropping young kids off at a game). Unfortunately, in our increasingly complex world, common sense is disappearing. Good article.