Helicopter Parents

Helicopter parents are an affectionate name given to parents who "hover" around their children. In the name of love, they believe they are protecting them. In the name of love, they believe they are helping them. In the name of love, they believe they are enhancing their children's chances for a better future because of all their help. In reality, they're control freaks!

What helicopter parents don't seem to understand is that this insane need to LOVE their children is really an adult need to control their children. Often when we dig a bit deeper, we find that helicopter parents are insecure, indecisive, and fear living their own lives so they shift their focus to that of their children to avoid their own. Why? Because in our society, doing so much for your child is acceptable, a sign of love, a badge of good parenting.

Being a helicopter parent may make the parent feel better and distract them from the real issues they need to face. But it does little to help the children who are being "hovered around" and in fact can cause another generation of insecure, indecisive and fearful adults.

Children are born with a genuine sense of security. It doesn't occur to children that they can't or aren't capable of doing something. They have joyful optimism when it comes to their problem solving abilities. If left to their own accord, most children, irregardless of their age, will resolve their own problems to THEIR satisfaction. Therein lies the problem. A parent's idea of a satisfactory resolution and a child's concept of a satisfactory outcome differ greatly.

Children who are over controlled learn early on that they are incapable of solving their problems. Why else would their parents need to step in at every turn and take over? The unintended message becomes one of "you're incompetent, that's why I must do it for you." Children learn that their perception of their abilities must be inaccurate. They gradually learn not to trust their instincts and to rely on the abilities of their parents and others. Parents, after all, love them and want the best for them so they must be wrong to assume that they can handle their own little lives on their own.

This is the beginnings of low self esteem and puts their child at risk for emotional, verbal and physical abuse as an adult. A dependence on others is created by helicopter parents. Children of helicopter parents grow up to have that need into adulthood.

Not only is their confidence eroded, their ability to make responsible decisions is delayed. Children who have been hovered over, delay the trial and error learning that occurs from solving their own problems, making mistakes, and experiencing the consequences from those decisions. They lose the opportunity to do it while they are young and while their youth and inexperience allows them this flexibility. Frequently, these children gain those experiences as young adults instead of when they should have as children. At this point they are already behind their peers in this arena and are at a disadvantage. They can be a magnet for cons and abuse due to their naive unawareness. Helicopter parents have put their children behind the power curve when their children start adulthood.

So what's a helicopter parent to do? First off, recognize if you are one and stop it. Do not interfere in your child's decision making and problem solving decisions unless it is life threatening. Let your child make a mistake. Let them be taken advantage of by a classmate. Let them figure out how to work around the bully in a way that makes them comfortable. But let them do it themselves without judgment. And most importantly, allow them to be happy with their solution even if you are not.

Does that mean that parents can never help? No, of course not. Parents still need to offer guidance and suggestions to their children. But do not make your child feel that they do not have the ability or any ideas to do it on their own. Start by asking your child what they are going to do or what they think they ought to do to solve their problems. Then gently offer an idea and let it go. Do not hammer away at them. Do not lecture them. Give them your idea, let the know you're confident they will fix things and walk away. Let them handle their little lives. It's amazing how effective they can be. It's also amazing how much helicopter parents could accomplish in their OWN lives if they turned their focus back to their own "adult" issues and let their children handle the "children" issues.