He'll Never Marry You

~ From the moment he touched my neck - pulling me to him - with the sweetness of a dear friend - a dear friend you want to spend all your time with ... that simple touch was all it took for me to fall ... fall ... fall - so deeply in love ... with him.

I will unabashedly admit it now.

YES!

I fell so deeply in love ... with a man ... who would never love me. To a man who would never leave his girlfriend ... even though while she was thousands of miles away, I contently laid in his arms. To a man who would never marry me.

~ For the record, it's not really the marrying part that I became obsessed with over the five months or so while I was in love... it was the fact that I wasn't the one for him, when I so desperately wanted to be. It was the fact that he would rather be with a woman he saw twice a year than me. And it's not really the marrying part that's important - it's the spending-the-rest-of-your-life with someone you appreciate part. Spending the rest of your life with a person who you couldn't imagine being without.

And that's the part that really stings - burns deep into your soul with a fire that cannot be quenched by water, tears, or even alcohol. Nothing can cure that deep, emotional, fire-ball-fury of love.

Except for maybe time.

And that's where this story starts...I spent about five months (yeah it doesn't seem that long to you...but it was an eternity for me) loving this beautiful, amazing man...who I pretty much knew from the beginning would never be mine.

So why did I do it?

Blatant self-loathing? Ignorance? The thrill of pain?

I don't honestly know why I let myself get in so deep with him. All I can say is that I loved him (still love him) and I couldn't help myself.

Ugh. Thinking back on it now...how many tearful, sleepless nights could I have avoided simply by avoiding love. But really...should anyone ever avoid love just because it's painful? I think not.

I would do it again ... maybe. While falling head over heels may not always be worth it...at least you remember that you are capable of loving. And, maybe, just maybe, once you get over all the hating and sobbing and screaming, you might just find the one who does want to marry you.

Although in my case, that day may never come.

Sometimes you just want to have that person who will witness your life with you. That's the whole point of marriage anyway, isn't it?

((And just on a side note - I completely agree and respect those like Charlize Theron, who will not marry until gay couples are allowed that same ability.))

CHAPTER

It was summer. Technically the end of summer, but the days were still warm, sunny and beauty was all around.

I recall being amazingly happy and self-content. I had just completed my first half marathon, lost about 25 pounds and gained a whole new self-confidence that I hadn't felt...well maybe ever.

I had friends. I loved my job. I was living in beautiful Sussex County, Delaware, just a stone's through from Lewes Beach. It was heaven.

It was in one of those joy-filled moments, I happened to be standing behind my office smoking a cigarette and getting ready to pound the computer keyboard into submission finishing several articles for the newspaper I worked for.

The door opens. The breeze blows through my short blonde hair. The smoke rises. And I look up, the sun catching my blue eyes. And through it all, my eyes meet the beautiful green eyes, scruffy beard and long-ish heavy metal hair of Matt Lasseter.

I had worked with the guy for months. He was super quiet...we had said maybe three full sentences to each other, usually in the hallway, or while smoking out back.

But that day I actually saw him. He smiled ... which I must say he rarely did.

Drinks.

If you have a crush or semi-crush on someone...do not mix alcohol into the situation. That is the best advice I have ever given anyone.

Of course, I did not give it to myself.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder - some famous person said that.

The way I look at it, beauty is seen only when you are fully capable to see it.

I was - at that exact moment - ready to see the beauty in Mr. Lasseter.

He was absolutely amazing. Not perfect in the eyes of society perhaps, but perfect for me. He was boring, and a mess, and boring - did I mention boring? And, not even all that attractive by general standards today...but to me, he was beautiful.

The night after drinks with friends we walked and talked and well I was pretty inebriated, so I'm sure I was amazingly funny with everything I said...well maybe not.

We go back to his place and talk some more. Then it happens. The touch.

Everything from that moment when he touched me ... fireworks, blindness, shattered universes...everything...was fantastic. I was in love and there was nothing anybody could do about it.

Oh wait! There was! Allow me to introduce...the girlfriend.

THE GIRLFRIEND

Oh yes - the girl he met online - saw twice a year - and was saying all these amazing things about. Heck, I would have loved her too!

She - I will only refer to her as she - lived in France where she attended college. She liked pink and making crafts and well lots of things. She was amazing ... at least in his eyes.

Hello! I am just as good as her. I mean, aren't I? Maybe because I'm asking these questions, then I am not as good...but come on!

For five months, I was in his arms...where was she?

Then the anger sets in...yes the anger stage of being in love.

Anger is real - so real in fact that I used to sit at home and yell at myself in the mirror for getting myself into such a ridiculous situation.

This is how it usually went -

"What the fuck are you doing?!"

"Why are you so stupid?!"

"Come on! You're better than this!"

In some ways maybe I was better...but hello, in other ways I wasn't. Here I was trying to love this man who was in love with someone else. And, really it was my own fault for getting in that situation.

So time goes on. We talk about his girlfriend, he shows me pictures. I even listen to her voice on his answering machine. I try to be understanding - fooling myself into thinking he'll get over her and only want to be with me.

Oh boy was I a fool for this man.
Love can make you do strange, self-effacing things...

GET AWAY FROM IT ALL

In an effort of self-preservation, I decided to move from Delaware to New England, thinking that would solve my love dilemma.

It didn't. I talked to Matt daily through text messaging and phone calls. It didn't help that I also didn't like New England.

I know now the only reason I went was to get away from Matt. To try and start a new life.

After an incredibly hard week in New England, I decided to travel back down to Delaware to visit some friends and celebrate my birthday.

"Stay with me," Matt urged. So I did.

I got there very late Saturday night and Matt was waiting with a beer for me. We chatted and caught up and everything was great. I fell asleep in his arms. It was magical.

The next day we slept in and spent all afternoon together. Around four we decided to take a nap before this big dinner party, my friend Tera was throwing. It was probably the most amazing nap I have ever had.

We woke up just at six and rushed around to get out the door. We walked into the party together and everyone was happy to see us. US...like we were an US...when the whole time in my head I was thinking...I am such a fraud! We act like we are together, but we're really not!

At one point Tera pulls me aside and asks how things are between Matt and me. I am utterly frustrated. I tell her the whole thing, how I expressed my feeling to Matt, telling him I loved him, like an idiot.

In reality, it just sprang out of my mouth while we were in bed...before I really knew what I was saying. And, well, it was met by silence.

I told Tera about Matt's so-called amazing girlfriend and how he wanted to 'see where things were going there.'

Tera had recently been dumped by a man she was with for three years. She poured her heart and soul into the relationship and in the end it was easy for him to just walk away, leaving her without a home or security. She was crushed, needless to say.

She mended and moved on a stronger woman for it, so in her way, she felt she needed to tell me ... "You can't make him love you."

It was an eye-opening conversation. Instead of focusing my energy on making Matt happy so that he would love me, I should be just making myself happy. It sounds easy enough, but have you ever tried to change your entire way of being ... not so easy.

Tera told me how she had done everything for her ex, but in the end, nothing would have been enough, because he just wouldn't love her.

She suggested the same may be true for Matt and me.

Maybe.

That night after the dinner party, I confronted Matt about how I was feeling. I told him I felt I would never be enough for him and that he would never give me a chance. After months of being great together, I told him I felt I would be the only one getting hurt in the situation because I knew he would never choose me.

He was quiet at first.

"Please just say something," I urged, my back to him as we laid in bed together.

"I've never been good in these situations," he said quietly.

I could tell he was thinking...the wheels were turning.

"Just say anything...say what you are thinking," I pushed.

"Well...I don't know. You know. I know I have a girlfriend. But I like what you and I have. Things are great with us. I like both of you in different ways. You know. I just don't know. You know," he stammered.

In truth, he didn't say much. But to me it was one of the greatest statements ever. Okay, so he doesn't know either. That makes two unsure people in one bed, I thought.

I turned to look at him. His eyes sparkling in the dark and the fact that he tried to express himself, just made me love him that much more.

(Mom and Dad, please skip to the next chapter)

I put my hand on his cheek, rubbing his scruffy beard and staring into those eyes. He leaned down and kissed my cheeks, which were warm with tears.

Our lips came together with electricity and we both wanted more. He wrapped his strong arms around my body and pulled me close. Fire sprang from our lips and hands as we clung to each other, happy to be so close.

We made love with such passion...it was beautiful. I fell asleep in his arms with a smile on my face...thinking maybe there is a chance for something here.

CHAPTER

I went back to New England, sad and already missing Matt. It was such an amazing weekend and I wanted more.

Over the next month in New England, I grew to hate it even more. Soon I decided I needed to leave. I was offered a job on the Eastern Shore of Maryland, starting in mid-January. The weekend after Christmas, my bags were packed, the U-haul loaded and I left the state, happy to know that part of my life was over.

I would have two weeks with not much to do and I planned to spend as much of it in Delaware, reconnecting with old friends and with Matt of course.

The first two weeks of 2008 were rough to say the least. I was experiencing a cash-flow problem and things weren't getting any better with Matt.

He was planning a big trip to see his girlfriend overseas in February. I held onto him as long as I could...but his excitement was for her... not me.

At least my new job was great. I started bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in January and loved every minute of it. The people were great, I was familiar with the types of stories they were doing and I was still close to those I loved in Delaware.

I was spending most nights at Matt's house and some at my friend Lydia's. It was nice, even though I was spending hours driving back and forth.

February was approaching and constantly in the back of my mind, I was thinking of him being with her in a foreign land.

Foreign lands are always exciting...she so had that over me. I'm just a stupid American girl! And being able to travel overseas and then sight-see with someone who loves you is always fun. What do I have to offer...we already know about the U.S.

I spent the night with him before he got on the plane to go. It was a quiet night. Neither one of us knowing what to say. Awkward.

So he left. To keep myself occupied, I decided to take pictures of everything I did while he was gone and turn it into this book about what he missed. It was a blast. Everywhere I went I took pictures and laid them into a scrapbook.

The book turned out beautifully, much better than I had even imagined. I included things he would enjoy, like headlines about his sports teams and quotes.

The night before he was to return, I tidied up his apartment, which I had been keeping an eye on for him while he was gone. I placed the book lovingly on his coffee table where he would see it.

"Thanks for the book," was all he ever really said about it.

I thought it would be a conversation-starter...but no.

Disappointment.

Of course, I knew things wouldn't be exactly the same as they were before he left. But, I thought eventually we'd get back into our old routine. We didn't.

Time spent together was awkward. We didn't really know what to say to each other. I tried to get him to talk about his trip, but only got little details. He mostly just said he had fun and was looking forward to going back so he could see more.

Is he just using the girlfriend to have a tour guide overseas? Or is he just sad when he is with me because I am not her and never will be her?

Confusion set in again. After a great five months, I was at a point where I honestly didn't know what to do.

But there were other things going on. I had moved to a house on the Eastern Shore of Maryland and the job was still going well. I focused on that. I focused on improving myself and started reading voraciously. I distanced myself from my old Delaware life and started spending a lot of time by myself.

Since I didn't know many people in Maryland, this was not hard.

One night, a week after he returned, we decided to go out in Maryland. He was originally from the area, so he showed me around and took me to a local bar.

We had fun...but there was still so much distance between us. I met some of his friends and his sister, who was a lot of fun...and completely different from him.

I talked to other people while we were at the bar, leaving Matt to his own devices. I tried to stay distant...give him time to miss me, like my mom is always telling me.

We ended up at the 'drunk tank' as he calls it, which is basically a late night diner in town. We talked...it didn't go well. We had a disagreement and I said I wanted to go home.

Waiting outside as he paid the bill, I lit up a cigarette, thinking how best to fix the situation...or if I even wanted to fix it at all.

We get into the car and it's quiet. Dead quiet. Neither of us spoke during the entire drive back to my apartment.

I felt like I was just clinging to this idea that was never going to happen. I felt used. I felt insignificant. I felt...sad.

We sat in the car and talked about life and death...we talked, but didn't. When I got out of the car, things had improved slightly...but I went to bed with this feeling of dread...dread that it would never be the same with Matt. Dread because I believed he would be marrying the foreign girl and never thinking about me again.

But, did he ever think about me in the first place? Did he ever actually care about me or was I just easy to be with...available?

And, if it all was just because I was available...how do I change that dynamic?

Or maybe I am just thinking too much about the entire situation!

THE OLD-NEW PHENOMENON

Okay, let's delve a little deeper.

I was seventeen. In high school in a rural farming community in south-central Pennsylvania.

Sitting in my homeroom, talking to one of my girlfriends who sat behind me. I feel someone watching me and look up. It's the quiet boy, a couple of seats up. He is friends with my girlfriend, and while I know him, I don't really know him.

His name is Justin. We were together for about three years, on and off. Everyone thought we would end up getting married because that's what happened most of the time with people in my school.

But college happened, and anyway to make a long story short, it didn't work out that way.

I loved Justin. I really did...even though my later actions would not really reflect that love. He wasn't my first boyfriend, but he was the first person I really loved.

And while other names in this story have been changed, for some reason I didn't change his. Probably because most people reading this would know who he was anyway.

So what's my point? Well Matt reminds me of Justin...I've even almost called Matt by Justin's name a couple times.

The kicker is...Justin wanted me more than I wanted him...he always said he hoped someday I would get a taste of my own medicine...

Well Justin you got your wish!! Because now I want someone more than they want me! Fan-fuckin-tastic!

And, yes I do and have always felt bad about how things ended with Justin - namely, me walking out on him and into the arms of another man, while he was lying on his couch in tears...

Yeah not my finest moment...but at the time, I thought I needed to see what else was out there...when really, Justin was an amazing man and I would have been lucky to have him. Even though, in the end, he probably would have left me anyway...especially since I went through a really crazy, dark phase in college and he never really got that.

Ah well...just wanted to put that in there....so that everyone knows how big of an idiot I really am!

CHAPTER

In the end I really just wanted Matt to be happy. Yes, mom, I know I should just be trying to make myself happy...and I will make myself happy...but his happiness, for some reason, is just as important to me.

So I began to focus on just being happy around him and making him happy...not like I worked very hard at it. But, it concerned me that many of the times we were together, I was upset about one thing or another.

Granted, I was going through a pretty rough time in my personal life, but I probably took it out on him more than I should have. It was also because he was there, he was willing to listen and talk to me, whereas a lot of people in my life I didn't feel comfortable going into all the horrible details.

You know how there are friends and then there are kindred spirits? Well Matt was a kindred spirit...I could be myself with him for the most part...even though I did feel nervous a lot around him...probably just because I really wanted him to like me.

And he did like me. We got along really well. I can only recall one real argument...granted, we didn't always agree on everything. But, there was really only one time we yelled. And after we were done yelling and I had stomped around, gone outside to smoke, come back in and sat down for awhile, we made up.

And, then we made love. And everything was fine again. Not perfect. But fine. And really in this life can you ever expect anything to be perfect?

There were times I really just wanted to never speak to him again. I would stop messaging him and be mad in my own little world...he would never know. He'd message and then stop for awhile. And eventually my willpower would give in and I'd be back talking to him every day.

At one point I told him that I couldn't know him anymore and that I was sorry about how things had turned out.

He wasn't a jerk about it. He let me have my space...tried to make sure I was happy. He would say nice things, like "this is better for you," and "I don't want to hurt you."

All in all, he was an exceptional sample of a man...a real man. Not one of those fake men who say nice things and then never call you again.

As long as I wanted him there, he would be there. And I liked that. And he liked that. We liked having our little whatever-it-was, but also being able to do our own things and get on with our own lives.

We didn't nag each other, or expect much from each other. It was comfortable. There were times I felt that it could go on forever. That I could spend the rest of my life being comfortable with him and I still think that it would have been great...maybe there's still a chance...but trust me, I'm not holding my breath.

At this point, it's kind of a wait and see situation. So I decided I am not going to put my life on hold waiting for this man to come around and realize I am the one for him.

So I started dating ... a lot. I went on probably, well it felt like a million, dates. Most of them bad. And maybe they would have been better...but of course I was comparing them all to Matt. And you just shouldn't do that. But I did.

Plus it seemed (and has always seemed) that most guys who wanted to go out with me were much older than me. I mean, I'm 26, I know that's not old by far...but it's also not super young. Even so, I'm sorry to say I am just not interested in dating guys 10 years older than me. I mean, what do we really have in common?

But so it went...first it was a 39-year-old corrections officer, then a 37-year-old single parent...and so on and so on.

Eventually I just stopped saying yes and tried to be picky about who I would go out with. This was still hard because even if they seemed cool upon first meeting, they would turn on me during the date.

At least I got quite a few funny stories out of the whole deal. But, eventually I stopped dating...for the most part anyway.

((For those of you still looking...I found a couple decent guys on craigslist, which seemed odd to me, because it's not really a dating site. But there I was looking for an apartment and finding a man...funny. But, try it out, maybe you'll be luckier than me.))

DATING

While trying to get away from Matt, I did try several online dating websites. I do not recommend it. Sorry, Dr. Phil...but it's just not a real way to meet people. Everyone is advertising themselves and really you better have a good picture because if you don't, you will probably not hear from anyone.

The people I did hear from were not anything like what I had said specifically I was looking for. I also got inquiries from New York, Washington state and elsewhere, when I had made it clear I was looking for someone on the Eastern Shore of Maryland or southern Delaware.

Plus once you got talking to these people it was always awkward, mostly because you didn't meet in a natural way, so you had nothing to start with. We would mostly talk about what we were doing each day, or worse yet, the weather.

Not good at all. Then the dates would be even worse. Even if the guy was semi-funny, I didn't get it because I didn't really know him. I had no basis to understand if it was a good day for him or a bad day.

I guess if I would have agreed to second and third dates then maybe I could have built a basis, but honestly after the first date I usually just wasn't feeling it enough to go out with them again.

I give props to anyone who did find their soulmate on an internet site though...good for you. I will probably never understand how you made it work...but still, good job.

The going out with a guy you met in a bar thing doesn't really work all that well either. I mean you met...in a bar. So there was probably alcohol involved. And if you're lucky enough to remember what that person looked like and pick them out while standing in front of a crowded eatery...then yeah, you are better than me.

But usually, the date after meeting in a bar, leaves a lot to be desired. Everything is exciting when you have a couple drinks in you...and the sober side of meeting at a quiet romantic restaurant, just really doesn't play out that well.

But, hey, I'm not saying don't try! Try as much as you can. You'll never meet anyone if you turn into a hermit like me. And then you'll spend your years wondering why no one ever married you....like I am probably destined to do...because surely after this book is published the guys will just be sprinting in the opposite direction!

"Don't date her," they'll say. "She'll turn you into a book!"

And yeah, maybe I would. Ha Ha HA HA! That's my prerogative.

COLLAPSE

It was March, I went out with Matt twice over three days and both times were amazing. There was no drama, we just had a good time and talked a lot.
Then Monday came. The day before his foreign girlfriend was flying in for the next three weeks. I wanted to see if there would be a chance to see Matt before she arrived.

I was supposed to be in his town anyway, so I messaged him to see if he would want to hang out later that night.
"You can come over, but I won't be home until late. And then I'll be busy," came the reply. "But, if you want to stay over, the downstairs bedroom is open."
How fucking romantic!

Yeah I know the downstairs room is open...it's always open. Not like Matt has a roommate or anything, so there's no reason it would ever not be open.
So figuring he just didn't have time for me or really want me there, I basically told him to fuck off and didn't go over there. I didn't even venture to the town either because I knew once I was there I would break down and go visit him...even though my brain was screaming "Stop being a stupid GIRL!"
But unfortunately, I am a stupid girl sometimes and I really can't help that. I think we girls are born wanting to take care of men and make them happy, even if it doesn't lead to happiness for us. I wish I could break the cycle...but I just don't seem able to.

So instead, I went over to a meaningless man's house, drank, smoked, listened to music and ended up spending the night.
There was no point in the encounter...except to try and take my mind off Matt and maybe help me feel a little better about myself. But, of course, in the end, don't we always just feel worse about ourselves, because we let a man we care nothing about slobber all over us?
Yes, we do.

I was descending into a downward spiral. I was getting hostile. I didn't care about anything. My mind was obsessed with Matt. So not good.
It's like I was addicted. I just couldn't stop. Of course, all of this was going on in my head and no one else really knew or cared about my disgusting self-hating world. It probably was better no one knew, because if they did, they would probably have suggested I seek professional help.
Which maybe I should have anyway.

NO WORDS

On Tuesday, the foreign girlfriend arrived. Well I suppose she arrived. I heard nothing from Matt...who maybe had figured I was just bent out of shape and needed some space. Which I desperately did need...but of course didn't think I needed it or wanted it.
Nothing from him.
The hours crept by.
Still nothing.
And there would be nothing for quite some time. Probably because he was super excited and care-free now that his exciting foreign chick was around.
I really think he was just blinded by the excitement of the exotic. I mean as Americans, we are who we are. We all know about America. But those foreign lands of Europe...that's where everyone wants to go. And why not date a chick from there so you can go there and live an exotic life not available in the United States.
Sounds good to me! (Note the sarcasm)

I also think the allure of the foreign chick relationship was that he gets to have a girlfriend, but yet doesn't have to see her all the time. You know, if he was dating an American chick then things would be so much closer to home and he'd probably have to deal with the relationship stuff a whole heck of a lot more. But with the foreign chippie, he only had to deal with it about twice a year and then the rest was over the phone.
How easy is that! Let's all do it!

In the coming days and weeks I would literally have to hide my phone from myself, just so I didn't complete that horrific text message in the heat of anger. I started and then deleted many a message to Matt, which I am not proud to say did not use the intellectual side of my brain. And I am very proud to have deleted them without sending.

If I had sent them, it wouldn't have solved anything. Just like me thinking about it all the time doesn't solve anything.

Nothing is going to solve this problem. It's just going to keep going until it collapses horribly. I want to stop. I need to stop. I'm starting to hate listening to myself.

These two weeks with barely a communication should help...I mean shouldn't they? And of course, in the words of the Dewey Beach locals...summer is always coming.

Summer in Dewey Beach was like mating season in the jungles of Africa. Gorillas meander the streets, seeking beer and babes. The babes dress in as little as possible and show off their tanned skin, while the males scratch themselves and poke their buddies pointing out the hot she-gorilla walking by.

It's an easy hook-up scene. And every Dewey local is on hand to take it all in. Those of us who are experienced know when and where to go for each night. It's exciting, alcohol-soaked, and victimless fun. And everyone goes home with someone.

Of course, my Dewey days are probably long over as I start to feel like the old bitty at the bar. The day someone calls me a cougar is the day I never return. But, I usually hit up the scene just for old times sake about four to five times each summer.

The Dewey Beachers don't go out searching for "the one." They go out searching for the one for tonight. And guys have contests to see who can hook up with the most chicks in one weekend.

Needless to say, it's a very interesting atmosphere and the slogan "Dewey Beach Way of Life" is definitely true. No where else can you find such a place where the locals have such a mindset. The summer in Dewey is hook up central and probably always will be...who knows why.

Their relationships go from one or two nights, to just a summer fling, and then the winter standby. I've heard young adults talk about how they broke up with their significant other so they could "fully enjoy the summer in Dewey."

It's an odd phenomenon...and not one I will go into here.

FUTURE

I have no idea what the future holds for me...much less for me and Matt. I think it's better if I never see him...but yet I can't bring myself to do that. I can't stand the idea of never seeing his face or talking to him...but I'm sure that's where it will end up.

That's where it ended up with Justin. It got to the point where we tried to be friends, but the physical attraction was so strong, we had to limit our contact to occasional phone calls. He got married and the phone calls stayed. We both agreed we shouldn't see each other because it seemed when we were together we just couldn't help ourselves.

It may go that route with Matt. But I doubt the phone calls will stick around because we never were much for talking on the phone anyway.

I imagine myself getting sick and laying in a hospital bed for days with no visitors. Then one sunny day a familiar figure appears in the door and its Matt, coming to save me, love me and take me away with him.

This will never happen. I realize that. But it's a nice day dream. My other daydreams of Matt tend to be darker, where is he killed or at least severely injured. Or that his girlfriend dumps him for some young hot German or something. And he is distraught but I refuse to give him comfort.

But I think even if Matt and his girlfriend would have broken up. I doubt we would ever have been together. It just would have been too weird at that point. I mean unless he came to me and proclaimed his undying love and said I am the one for the rest of his life, then I really don't think it would have happened.

All those months, I was just an entertaining distraction for him. A weekend play-thing. Nothing more. He never had any intention of loving me or even trying to do right by me. I was just there and he didn't mind the extra attention. I mean who would. And, I'm good in bed. No guy minds that.

Some people ask what I would do if I could go back. If I could go back to that first night we spent together, would I do it again.

I've been on both sides of this fence, but ultimately I think I would have done that first night. But, I would have realized nothing was coming of it and never gone back. That would have been the cool thing to do. And the right thing to do. Then it would have just been a one-night-stand like it was supposed to be and no one's feelings would get hurt. Namely my feelings.

But I can't go back. This all happened. And it's a mess. I don't think finding another guy really even helps the situation, as my mother assured me it would. There were plenty of other guys interested, but I wasn't. I had found Matt. I knew in my heart he was the one. So why would I even give another man a second glance.

Stupid way to be...yes I know.

But eventually the world moves forward and you kind of have to go with it. So that's what I did. It may be years before I find another guy as right for me as Matt was...but I prefer to be optimistic and know he's out there. And someday we will find each other.
As for today, I am happy knowing that at least I gave it a shot. I tried to make it work. I did everything I could have. It just didn't work. And I move forward. There are more things to learn every day and I don't plan on letting any more days slip by while I spend hours thinking about Matt...the man who will never marry me.

Besides....summer is coming.