Hell's Kitchen: Robert Hesse

Hell's Kitchen is a steaming broiler pit built only for the most talented Chefs in America. Once you strut through its bulky doors, you had best be prepared for hell-lest Chef Gordon Ramsay slice and dice your puny little ass into some pan-roasted scallops. And as the great Warren G once remarked, "You can't be any geek off the street. Gotta be handy with the steel, if you know what I mean." He's partially correct. The truth remains, however, that it requires a tremendous deal more than just a competent familiarity with pots, pans, ovens, and grills to strike gold in Hell's Kitchen. It takes thick skin, and I know just the guy: Robert Hesse.

Robert is an enormous, obnoxious, and uncouth BBWG-big bosomy white guy-brimming with hiphop swagger and unadulterated attitude. Straight out the suburbs, this seasoned B-smacker "don't take no shit" from anybody. And though he weighs in at nearly 400 pounds, don't be quick to discount his culinary talents. He's not only speedy on his feet, but he bears with him roughly 15 years of experience in the kitchen as a certified Sous Chef-as well as a formal education from the American Culinary Academy. Push come to shove, this Boss Hogg is plentifully equipped to handle the daily tribulations at Hell's Kitchen. Heck, he's already done it once before!

Back for the First Time

Hailing from Long Island, Robert first debuted on Hell's Kitchen during season five of the Fox hit reality cooking series. He swiftly rose through the ranks, eventually earning himself a spot amongst the top 5 elite. In fact, Robert was only once nominated for the chopping block, and that wasn't until episode 9. Each day, Robert hauled his colossal body down from the dorms, ready to shock the world with his outlandish antics-as well as outstanding performance. And no matter how many expletives Chef Ramsay hurled at him, Robert maintained his composure, cruising along like a Ruff Ryder gangster. As he himself once proclaimed, "If you can't take the heat, get outta the kitchen!"

But despite his talent and likely chance at victory, Robert was ultimately unable to evade the harsh consequences brought on by many years of dining on fried chicken, ham hocks, and his wife's succulent pooty-tang. During episode 11, he was rushed to a nearby hospital after complaining of debilitating chest pains. Observation and testing revealed that Robert was suffering from pericarditis, an acute heart condition caused by swelling and irritation of the pericardium sac. Under the advice of his Doctor, Robert voluntarily quit the competition. It was indeed a sad moment for Hell's Kitchen, but it certainly wasn't Robert's last chance at fame and fortune.

Return of the Mack

During the first episode of the following season, Robert and his wife were invited back to Hell's Kitchen to dine on the new cast's grub. But as they ate, hell was unfolding in the kitchen, where both the blue and red teams frantically struggled amidst a flurry of trifling blunders: poorly cooked pasta, incorrectly stored salmon, and even a tray of raw lamb. Chef Ramsay grew so aggravated that he eliminated a chef right there and then-even before the first eliminations (a first for Hell's Kitchen). Flustered and angry, Ramsay strode out into the dining hall to have a quick chat with Robert. It was then that Ramsay offered Robert a second chance in Hell's Kitchen. Unwilling to let this golden opportunity slip by him, an ecstatic Robert hollered, "Hell yeah!"

With his balls in his hand, Robert then wobbled his bathtub-like body back into the dorms, thereby cementing his place in the sixth season. He was ready to pounce, devour, and then poop out anybody or anything that got in his way. Having already previously served in the abysmal trenches that define Hell's Kitchen, he knew firsthand how to handle the hell awaiting him. And what with the Ladies' horrendous performance the night before, Robert was therefore assigned to their team to serve as team leader and mentor. It was Ramsay's hope that with Robert's imposing skill-set backing them up, the Ladies would rebound with a fury.

Heart of a Champion

The situation, however, unfolded differently than expected. Feeble performances by both the blue and red squads during episode 2 resulted in Robert's return to the men's team by episode 3. Despite this setback, Robert marched forward, failing to meet the standards expected by him on only one occasion-during episode 3, when he neglected to cook some salmon. Other than that, Robert's continued undeterred; he knocked out every service to the best of his ability, netting the fellows a total of 3 victories. Their nonstop glory had the Ladies bawling in agony, per which potty-mouth Robert exclaimed, "Yeah, boy! That's it. I can hear it. It's them bitches crying."

On episode 6, however, everything took a turn for the worse. The men's team-which had lost the initial challenge-was forced to manually pedal a multi-person conference bike from Hell's Kitchen to a grocer and back. The exertion from the vigorous routine left Robert in a tizzy, overcome with shortness of breath and dizziness. He was promptly delivered to a hospital and therefore unable to attend the following night's service. After both teams once again failed to provide satisfactory service, they were each ordered to draft a member for elimination. Although some on the blue team felt that Andy deserved to depart, Van-who was chosen by Ramsay to deliver the nominations-asked, "Where's Robert?"

Robert returned the following afternoon, but was not well received. The blue team felt more energized without his presence, leading them to resent his reappearance. During service that evening, the blue kitchen was shut down after a slew of errors from the crew-including Robert's raw rabbit. That evening during eliminations, Robert and Andy were pitted against each other for elimination. Despite an emotional plea from Robert, Chef Ramsay ultimately decided against him, noting, "Robert's closing plea was quite entertaining. But I'm not looking for a performer; I'm looking for a Head Chef. And Robert's not that guy."

Tha Crossroads

Robert came, saw, and delivered as best he could. Sadly, it wasn't enough to grant him entry into Hell's Kitchen hall of fame. Regardless, we shall not soon forget him. He brought a sense of fun and excitement previously unseen on the show. We will miss you dearly, Robert!

I personally want to wish you the best of luck. However, I have some advice. You need to lose weight, buddy. We don't want to lose you to heart disease or a stroke. And the best way to quickly shed some fat is to engage in lots of hot, steamy, and sweaty sex with your wife. So slide on a mini-condom, hop in the sack, and get to your workout, you big, fat crazy bastard!