Help for Abusive Parents: Five Calming Steps

I've never been an abusive parent, but I have lived with one. My ex-husband was a victim of abuse first, then an abuser himself. Growing up, he never learned to handle his anger. He had a childhood filled with dysfunction. What's more, he had no desire to help himself. Once I left, I promised myself that I would always be there to help victims of abuse. Part of that help is to teach the abusive to change their ways. I'm no psychiatrist, but I was taught to handle my anger properly from an early age. I encourage abusive parents to seek professional help and try these five steps to help heal themselves.

Learn to identify the first sign of pending abusive behavior. I lived with my abusive husband for nearly 10 years. After some time, I could see his personality change when abuse was pending. When this happened, I would remove myself and my children from his presence immediately. I often wished he could see the change himself. Now, years later, I have learned that recognizing your own triggers and mental changes is the first step toward recovery for abusive parents.

Teach yourself to go into action at the first sign of a problem. When that trigger pops up, don't pull it. Replace negative reactions with positive actions. Leave the room. Take a walk. Remove yourself from the situation mentally and physically by any means possible. Give yourself space from whatever is making you angry. Soon, this will be your automatic response any time you feel your temper flare.

Abusive parents often let the words flow without a thought. How can you stop this process and stop hurting your child? Keep a notepad and pen in your pocket. When you feel you are about to let an angry stream of words lose, write them down. You may be shocked at what you were about to say to your child. Writing is one outlet for your anger. You might also try other outlets, such as physical activity (jogging, biking, shooting hoops, building something).

Abusive parents often have unresolved anger issues. Think about what is really causing your anger. Chances are, it's not your child. You may have been (like my ex-husband) a victim of past abuse. Try to get to the root of your anger issues. Work on resolving them constructively. Sometimes simply knowing what your trigger and underlying issues are can help. If you can't unearth and resolve the problem on your own, you may need professional help.

Seeking professional help is advisable for all abusive parents. You can't control your anger. You are taking it out on someone who is incapable of defending themselves. You feel the matter is out of your control. You are grasping for self control by attempting to control someone else. In my ex-husbands case, he refused to seek help even though he knew there was a problem. As a result, he lost his spouse and his children permanently. Don't let that happen to you. If you're an abusive parent, get the professional help you need to get your life and emotions under control today.

More from this contributor:

Solving the Single Parent Identity Crisis

Five Tips on Parenting from the Sick Bed

Tolerating Conflicting Discipline Styles

Source:

Personal Experience