Help, I Can't Find Christmas!

Seeing Red and Feeling Green I never thought it would happen to me. Christmas has always been a holiday I looked forward too. I loved everything about it. The marathon shopping trips and elbow to elbow check-out lines. I'd don one of my favorite Christmas sweaters and chatter with the other shoppers to pass the time away. Often times I'd walk away from the register armed with a new recipe to try for the holiday feast. Long lines equaled opportunities for me to compare notes with other women on what they were planning on cooking. I especially loved getting stuck behind an elderly woman. The aged love to reminisce about Christmas's past. Their stories always captivated me. This year is an exception though. Sadly, the only red I see has nothing to do with Christmas at all. It has more to do with a feeling of unrest and aggravation. The green of my Christmas tree and wreath is horribly overwhelmed by the "Grinch" green that I am sure everyone can see in my face. My distress concerning this particular Christmas isn't quite economy related either. Sure, more money would at least help me fake the feeling but I don't want to settle for that. I want to feel Christmas again.

Desperately Seeking Merriment It's not easy being green. Some people take great pride in acting Scrooge-like and bah-humbugging their way through December 25th. These people are the sort that generally act pessimistic all year. Normally viewing their glasses as half empty. I have always been the glass half full person myself. This year, I keep looking at my glass hoping to see one glistening drop. I'd be happy with a glass have full of cider vinegar if not hot mulled cider just because it would look pretty. I am desperately seeking merriment. The reality is I know I am not going to find it outside myself either. I'm not depressed in the clinical sense of the word. I think what I am experiencing is a profound sense of feeling let down by a series of unfortunate events. None of which could have been prevented.

What the Fates Allow Pondering what the fates have allowed for my family of late I see how it was made possible for Christmas to ellude me this year. Many doctor's appointments and a few surgeries later I felt as though we had filled our quota for health problems. Heck, I even threw in a round of thyroid cancer, albiet the "good" kind for decent measure. Operating on my normally optimistic attitude I secretly thought we had paid our dues. The fate department failed to credit our account to our great consternation. This Christmas was supposed to be a good one and I had banked on it. I counted on that deposit and the payoff.

I'd Like Some Whine With That Cheese Last August my husband became ill. It just seemed to nip at the heels of my own illness. Like frost nipping at your nose this time of year. He developed an auto-immune vasculitis. Somewhere between Halloween and Thanksgiving I lost Christmas. Our family deposit into that optimistic account of mine has somehow been misappropriated. I would like to know who is reaping the interest because it is not us. My growing Grinch is getting in the way of the Christmas experience. My cookies are not baked. There is no wrapping of presents yet. I only have half the amount of my special, "aunt Georgie" slippers knitted. I am way behind! Last year's slippers are starting to look like swiss cheese on the feet of my loved ones. Yes, I want some whine with that cheese too! I earned it. I want my Christmas spirit back. I look horrible in green.

Joy and Hope are Such Tiny Words It's not the Christmas spirit alone that has left me. Joy and hope are so letter deficient that their signifance in our lives could be overlooked. However, one Christmas without either overshadows words like, happiness and wonderful. This Christmas all I want is joy. I don't need "wonderful" if I can hang on to a little bit of hope. Hope for future Christmases that will find us still all together as a family. Joy on a Christmas morning when my husband brings me my customary cup of tea ten years from now. For this Christmas my wish is to lose my inner Grinch. I want to find my cup half full again and hang on so tight it shatters.

It's Not About You Hey Grinch, it's not about you is it? Yes, I am referring to myself in the third person. Is that a bad sign? Seriously though, this is Christmas and what does that really mean? Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus. It isn't about santa, reindeer, snowman or feelings. Would I choose not to celebrate the birth of my oldest son in January? I know I will celebrate because that day is all about him. We love him and sick or not as parents we will celebrate his birth. We are the reason that he is here. Jesus is the reason for Christmas. Jesus is the reason for hope. Jesus is the ultimate joy at the end of a life well lived. I think I just heard the door slam. There wasn't any room left in this inn for someone with a heart three sizes too small. It's kind of hard to not let the screen door hit yourself when your shooing out your Grinch. Is there hope for you too if you harbor a Grinch this year? I believe there is. The first gift God ever gave us was free choice. Then he gave us His Son to make up for it because sometimes we choose badly. Sometimes we choose whining, self pity, anger, pessimism, aggravation and hopelessness when faced with difficult circumstances. By His grace we can change our choices. Through His mercy we can joyfully discover Christmas again. Embrace the choice and hope in the One we celebrate on December 25th. I found my Christmas afterall.