Help I Can't Tie My Shoe!

It starts out like this: You have actually left the house. Yay! Thing is it it probably just for a doctor or dentist appointment, but still, good for you! You're feeling pretty good about the accomplishment of actually being out in public. You get brave and say: "Hey, stop over there at that Wawa (or whatever your local convienience store is) I'm gonna get a cup of coffee! The person who drove you gets out with you and goes in.

Once in there, your friend/ride realizes your shoe is untied. You can't bend over to fix it, your backache is getting the best of you. They insist on doing so. So there you are standing in the middle of the Wawa on your rare outing and having your shoe lace tied. Your not a child, nor are you ninety, when you would expect to start feeling a little rickety. You are thirty nine, and look it. Outwardly there is no sign of being sick or in pain. When you start walking again it is obvious from the limp, but in the meantime you've got twenty people staring at you thinking: "Wow, I can't believe she's making him tie her shoe!". You blush, hurry your purchase and move on, and let them think about how whipped that poor guy is.

Solution:

1) Get those fun velcro sneakers and never worry about tying your shoe agan, they'll take you back to kindergarten days, and you'll feel young again!
2) Before you get out of the car look down. Are both shoes tied? If not, although space is confined, it is possible to pull your leg up by your pants and double tie those suckers!
3) Just give in and get those fun velcro sneakers and never worry about tying your shoe agan, they'll take you back to kindergarten days, and you'll feel young again!

Another "Outing" Problem-Getting In And Out Of Cars

When your back hurts it seems everything hurts. Getting in and out of cars can pose a real problem sometimes, particularly sports cars. Even worse is if you're tall. You can't just hop in and out without a thought anymore. Again though, when you appear "normal" on the outside, people like to judge or even laugh at your antics of trying to get in or out. Laugh right along with them! It is kinda funny if you really think about it hard enough. Here you are getting out of this gorgeous car looking like a troll that's been stuck under the bridge a hundred years too long.

Solution:

1) If getting into the car, whatever you do, DO NOT get in one leg at a time like you used to. This could cause a lightning bolt of pain that will be even more ridiculus than you look! Turn and face away from the car, hold onto the arm rest and lower yourself to the seat. Once your rear has hit the seat, you can now put your legs in....carefully.
2) Getting out is the same, in the opposite manner. Do not open the car door all the way, you will need that as a balance. Slowly swing your legs around and out of the car. Hold onto the armrest and lift yourself out.
3) Sit there for like an hour until no one's around to witness your antics....just kidding!

At Home

There's something on the floor you want, or have dropped. What to do. You could bend down and pick it up, but you're gonna pay for that honey! Softly kick the item over to the couch, or chair, sit down and pick it up. Again, slllooooowwwllllyyy! Remember, slow motion is better than no motion! If your child comes home in the middle of this and decides his Mommy or Daddy is crazy throw a woooohoooohooo out there, that should definitely solidify their thoughts that Mommy/Daddy has been taken over by some crazy alien.

Solution:

1) Whatever you do, don't drop anything!
2) If you do drop something, follow steps listed in paragraph above.

Family/Friends

Many will think and feel free to say: "Hey, so what you've got an aching back, we've all been there, just go out and get a job, it'll make you stop thinking about the pain." Now that's funny! I don't really know anyone that would choose to be broke. Especially if you were the type of person that would work seventy plus hours a week prior to the pain. I'm pretty sure everyone wants to know where their next rent money's coming from and electricity, oh I could go on, but you get the point. One family member had the nerve to say how much pain he's in but look, he's working. While he was telling me this he was in a squat, fixing something. Huh, funny, I can't even tie my darn shoes, you're in a squat. That in itself still causes me laughing fits. Watch out for those laughing fits too! But that's a whole other paragraph.

Solution:

1) Force them to come to your next doctor appointment. Let them hear it from the doc, they shouldn't have much to open their mouth about then, except maybe to eat a little "crow pie"
2) Show them your reports stating what is wrong with you and what it means.
3) Did I mention force them to come to your next doctor appointment. Let them hear it from the doc, they shouldn't have much to open their mouth about then, except maybe to eat a little "crow pie"

Laughing

Laughing, coughing, sneezing can cause you to crumble to the ground unless you have some support. That gives you the whole new problem of getting up. If this happens in public, you may be arrested for public drunkedness!

Solution:

1) Whatever you do, never laugh again! Just kidding again, laughter is probably the best thing for you, mentally anyway. Just grab a hold of something or someone and hold on for dear life. Make sure if it is a person you grab, it is someone you know, or instead of being brought in for public drunkedness, they'll 302 your butt (admit you into the mental ward).
2) Coughing- see above, although I would avoid grabbing a person if possible. Pretty sure they don't want to share your germs.
3) Sneezing See #2
4) If you didn't get a chance to follow step one and do indeed crumble, roll to the nearest piece of furniture and ssslllloooowwwwlllly pull yourself upright again. If it happens in public, you're out of luck in the dignity department. Like I said they may think you're drunk. Someone may be helpful and pull you up, like a ragdoll! If you can't manage to sneeze and stand at the same time, I don't know why Mr. Muscles thinks he can come to your rescue by yanking you to your feet quickly.

I realize this may not be humorous to some, but I think it's hysterical, sometimes. If any of this applies to you, take the advice, most of it is serious. As for the rest of the article, although a little smart alecky, is my stab at humor. Sometimes I may get frustrated, but when I think of it this way, I just laugh. I'm laughing now as a matter of fact!