Help Your Fiancé Kick the Pre-Wedding Jitters

Everyone who knew them suspected that it would only be a matter of time before Steve and Sharon became engaged. Together since their junior year of high school, the 25-year-olds were literally glowing when they announced their big news at a small get-together with friends. They had experienced their share of ups and downs over the years, but through it all they had remained inseparable. Now their bond would be "official" - and permanent.

Three weeks before the wedding, Sharon began to notice that her beau of nine years was becoming increasingly irritable as she attempted to finalize their wedding plans. "You're killing me with all of this wedding crap!" he snapped one day, before grabbing his jacket and storming out of their two-bedroom apartment. Shocked and appalled, Sharon called her best friend Janet, who was happily married to the man of her dreams.

"Oh, he's probably just having pre-wedding jitters," Janet reassured Sharon. "My husband and I went through that when we were engaged, only I was the hesitant one! Steve loves you, and this will pass!"

Janet ended up being right. Three weeks later, Sharon and Steve were married and years later, Steve recalled his anxiety: "Sharon and I had been together for so long and I loved our life the way it had been before we got engaged," he confessed. "I just didn't want things to change."

Jitters Do Not Necessarily Spell the End

According to Today (2003), pre-wedding jitters are not necessarily a sign that there is a major problem in a relationship or that one person has changed their mind about getting married. "The jitters don't necessarily mean you're having second thoughts about the person you're marrying. He or she may be the best soul you could ever find. Jitters can come from the life change marriage causes. It changes the way you live, your friends and who you are friendly with, the new family you might be gaining. It's basically fear of the unknown."

Anyone - male or female - can experience pre-wedding jitters. However, a woman who notices marked and abrupt changes in her fiance's behavior in the months and weeks leading up to the wedding should be careful to avoid jumping to conclusions. Since women tend to become deeply immersed in wedding planning and emotions are already running high, it is important not to exacerbate the situation.

Author and playwright, Gabrielle Kaplan-Mayer (2006), points out that an impending marriage can create a great deal of anxiety for men in particular:

"For men, making the choice to get married brings with it a lot of expectations. Despite changing gender roles in our society, men are still looked at as being the primary providers. Many men equate being a bachelor with having freedom-doing what they want to do on their own terms, when they want to do it. Being a bachelor means hanging out with the guys, fun times. Marriage may feel like walking into a new role, with new responsibilities and many men wonder if they're up to this change in identity."

There are a few things that you can do to help your fiancé work through his pre-wedding jitters:

1. Avoid Accusations

This is not the time to throw accusations at your man. "There's someone else, isn't there?!" is not the question you should be asking when your fiancé is having pre-wedding jitters, unless you have hardcore evidence. "You don't love me anymore, do you?!" is another no-no. When your fiancé begins to seem anxious about the wedding or marriage in general, it is best to keep the drama in your relationship to a minimum.

2. Ask Important Questions - and Listen without Judgment

If you have been caught up in the excitement of planning your wedding, there is a good chance that your fiancé has been doing much more "listening" than "talking" lately. The feeling that he no longer has a voice in the relationship may be contributing to his pre-wedding jitters. Now is the perfect time to encourage him to share what is on his mind. "I know that I've been going on and on about the wedding," you might begin "But I really do care how you feel and I'm here to listen if have something on your mind that you want to share." If he is willing to open up, let him speak without interruption and without passing judgment.

3. Cut Back on "Wedding Talk"

Your fiancé may be overwhelmed by the constant "wedding talk." Whereas he may have once felt like he could talk to you about work, sports and other things, he may now feel pressured to talk about the wedding 24/7. To help him kick the pre-wedding jitters, make a commitment to only discuss wedding plans with him during specific times. Outside of those times - except in the case of an absolute emergency - talk about other things, just as you once did.

4. Do Something Fun and Familiar

Perhaps you haven't been your old self since the two of you became engaged. The fun things that you once did - those simple things, like going to the movies or having dinner with friends - may have been put on the backburner as you've tried on wedding dresses, sought a venue for the ceremony and tried to get your guest list in order. While the simple, familiar things may seem insignificant to you, they may mean the world to your fiancé, as they serve to remind him of why he fell in love with you in the first place and what's special about your relationship. Help him kick the pre-wedding jitters by showing him that you are interested in continuing with the very activities and interests that brought the two of you close. Though your time may be limited with all of the wedding planning, it is worth it to reaffirm your relationship and refocus on the things that matter the most.

Source

Kaplan-Mayer, Gabrielle (2006). For the Groom: Overcoming Pre-Wedding Jitters. Pash Weddings.com.

Today (2003). Get Over Those Pre-Wedding Jitters. MSNBC.com