Help for Hurting Marriages

It's common knowledge that untreated wounds can become infectious. Infected wounds redden, ooze pus and hurt. When this happens, most people go see a doctor immediately for treatment. In worse case scenarios, amputation becomes necessary. It becomes better to loose a limb than a life.

Emotional wounds need treatment as well. At times, these wounds need cleaning out and medicine rather than just an ordinary band-aid. Band-aids are good for the small stuff, kisses, hugs, gifts... but what about the hard stuff?

What does "infection" look like in a hurting marriage? Underneath it all is probably a nasty wound. It could be a damaging word, an affair, a secret unshared, a dream ridiculed or ignored. The wound is what started it all. When it's treated inadequately, it remains. If the wound is scratched, or gets rubbed on, then the fighting, yelling, and tears begin. The misunderstandings lead to many moments of walking away. Items being thrown, walls getting punched; and then there's the fear in the eyes of an innocent child. There's guilt and regret and secrets and escape. There are two lonely and emotionally needy people with the same address.

Our relationship suffered due to wounds that were left untreated. Years of anger evolved into bitterness with apathy not far behind, the love in our marriage, dying.
Years filled with emotional turbulence etched weary lines on our otherwise attractive faces. We sought outside help because neither of us could bring ourselves to sever our marital bonds, though we came close. We desperately needed answers and hope.

With the help of counseling, I passionately presented my case. Carrying my wounded heart on a platter, I let out my pain in a tearful fury towards my husband. He heard me out. When finally done and satisfied that I was heard, I realized that the decision still lay before me; to end my marriage, or to stay and see what might ensue. This was a time of vulnerability and anxiety for me. Me, me, me. Notice that this was a time for ME.

The truth of my own sins was yet to be highlighted. I was far from the necessary steps of self-reflection, repentance and forgiveness because my hurt was blocking rationality.

As a matter of fact, the steps came in backwards. I chose to forgive first, then I self-reflected, and finally repentance followed. Like a slug on a dry slap, our marriage moved forward.

In our case, I'm not sure these necessary steps would have been reached without outside help. Counseling helped me learn that anger needs to be extinguished and controlled, but definitely not ignored. Anger is a warning; its purpose, to point at areas that need immediate attention.

If your marriage is on the brinks of ending, seek treatment immediately. Think of infection, amputation! Use common knowledge. Save the limb!