Helping Adopted Children Make a Family Tree

Most adopted children will encounter at least one class in school where they are required to create a family tree as an assignment. Many adoptive parents react to this assignment in actor, citing insensitivity as the cause, when in actuality a family tree can be helpful for your child. In fact, adoption therapist Mary Lou Gill recommends that adopted children include their biological parents on the tree.

"Some parents don't even acknowledge a birth family," says Gil, who has worked with adopted and foster children for the better part of forty years. "The family tree gives adopted children a chance to learn about their roots, where previously they were unavailable." If you are up-front with your child about the existence of a birth family, he or she will be happy to include them on the family tree.

When you add a spouse to an individual on a family tree, he or she is usually represented by a dotted line. The same technique can be used for adding biological parents, and your child can fill in whatever information is known. With closed adoptions, the parents' names might not be available, in which case they can be noted as "Birth Father" and "Birth Mother". If there are biological siblings, they can be included as well.

"Don't let the project become a work of fiction," Gil cautions. "Adopted children might want to speculate on their biological parents' physical features or personalities, which aren't relevant to the family tree." She goes on to say that adopted children should represent only the facts in their school project, which will make the assignment factual. "That doesn't mean you can't talk about it, if that's something your child wants to explore. Just leave it in the family."

Regardless of how you decide to complete the assignment, make sure your child is comfortable with it. Some don't want their classmates to know that they are adopted, and would rather complete the project with just his adoptive family for school. You can create a family tree just for yourselves including the birth parents, then turn in the other to his or her teacher.

You can also take it a step further and create two family trees for the school assignment. Adopted children often want to represent both families in full, especially if they were adopted at an older age. The tree might include grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and even great-grandparents to full recognize both types of families.

"The most important thing is that your child is comfortable with recognizing his adoptive family, rather than shielding the truth for the sake of denial," explains Gil. "Adopted children often feel the need to know where they 'come from', and the family tree can be the perfect way to explore that with your child."

A few additional tips:

Talk to your child's teacher.

If your child isn't comfortable making a family tree, or is worried the other kids will make fun, talk to his or her teacher to find out what you can do to help. For example, if students are expected to present their family trees to the class, perhaps your child can be exempt.

Emphasize that different is good.

Your child might be worried that his or her family tree is different from everyone else's. Explain that being different can be good, and that he or she has the most exciting family tree of all.

Help your child connect.

If your child has another friend at school who is adopted, encourage them to work together on this project. Allow them to take courage and strength from one another as two of a kind.