Helping Your Child with Transitions

You know the scenario; you and your little one have had a lovely time at a friend's house, birthday party or indoor play gym. But now it is time to go. You dread the moment you will announce, "Time to go!" because you know what comes next. First it starts small -he ignores you. Then he actively avoids you. Then he runs from you. Next thing you know you are in the midst of a WWF Smackdown, trying to get his shoes and coat on. Eventually you give up, grab the coat and shoes, and sling your little screaming and flailing guy up on your hip like a roll of carpet and leave. You then have to wrestle him into his car seat all while trying to ignore the harsh judging looks from passers-by. By the time you sit in the drivers seat, you have burned 200 calories, grown 10 more gray hairs, and maybe permanently ruined your chances of being asked back to the place from which you were leaving.

So what is the solution? While you might feel that the only viable option is staying home for the remainder of his childhood, there is another way. It will require time, planning, and effort. It is not for the faint of heart. But it will work. Here are 5 things you can do before you even get to the destination to help the departure go smoothly.

1) Talk about leaving before you arrive. Many parents avoid this conversation. They fear the event to such a degree that they hope wishful thinking will make things different this time. But let's be realistic. It won't be different unless you do something different. For an opener, you can say to your son, "Boy, the last time we had to leave Jimmy's house it was quite a scene, wasn't it? You were having so much fun you didn't want to leave and ended up causing quite a disruption." Ask your child how he feels about leaving places. Help young children identify their feelings if they have trouble. Then say with warm confidence, "Well, that won't be happening today. We are going to work together so that we leave with smiles today instead of frowns!"

2) Imagine the scene with your child. Next, engage your child in a game of imagination. Verbally walk through what you and he think or hope the activity will be like. Talk about the arrival and the feelings he will have when he sees his friend. Use as much accurate descriptive detail as you can to describe the scene where the event will be occurring. Ask your child, "Can you see it? Doesn't it seem like fun?" Now have your child imagine what the departure will look like. Have him describe what he thinks he will be doing when it is time to go, what you will say and how he will feel. Seek his input. Does he imagine himself carrying the keys to the car? Does he unlock the door? Having your child anticipate the ending with this amount of detail will help him be prepared for the feelings that will come when it happens for real.

3) Practice. For some children, the above two steps may be sufficient. However, if your child has a long-term pattern of tantrums over transitions, some practice is in order. Again, use your imagination and pretend that you are both at the event. Decide on a key phrase you will use to indicate that the time is up. Discuss what your expectations are for him once that phrase is uttered. You can say something like, "Billy, we are leaving in 5 minutes. You can go down that slide two more times, then you will say your goodbyes and come take my hand." Now act out the ending routine. Do it several times. Be playful and fun as you practice.

4) Discuss what will happen after the transition. Have an activity planned that will begin upon your arrival home. You can even set it up before you leave. You can say, "When we get home we will work on this new puzzle together and have a snack." Set the puzzle and snack on the kitchen table as a visual reminder of what will come next.

5) Discuss the consequences of a poor transition. Identify for your child the difference between a good and bad transition. Be clear about your expectations so that there is no confusion. Tell them that a poor transition will earn them "cool down" time when they get home and a "no" to the next invitation or event. When you get home, quietly clean up the puzzle and the snack and say, "Maybe we can do this next time." If he asks, you can explain that you used up all your playtime energy helping him leave.

If your child historically has difficulty with transitions, try these steps. While it is true that they will require some time and planning on your part, rest assured that once the bad pattern is broken, you will reap the rewards for a long time to come. And you will have significantly less gray hairs.