Helping Your Child Understand Death...something Every Parent Should Know

Death is never an easy subject to broach, whatever the age. However, due to the sensitive nature of most children, one has to be more careful in explanations and actions regarding death most times more so, than when dealing with an adult. In order to be most helpful to the child, we must first be aware of the needs of the child regarding death, emotions or reactions the child may exhibit and possible questions the child may ask.

When we come upon the subject of death with children we often find it difficult to simply explain death itself. It is important not to use euphemisms such as "gone to sleep", "gone away", or "passed away" to name a few. While these are easier for adults to say than the phrase, "Mr. Brown died last night", the more honest one can be about the subject, the better.

The rule of thumb is to listen to your child and answer ONLY those questions the child asks. Children know instinctively what they want and NEED to know about death and will ask questions they need answers for to help them through the death. We need to restrain ourselves from giving too much information to a child who is not ready to hear all the details.

There are 5 common responses to any death, whether adult or child: denial, grief, crying, anger and guilt. Adults go through these responses regarding a death, and children are no different. The only difference is perhaps in the way they show their responses. The important thing is, we as parents need to be aware of these responses so we can help children through the experience of death.

Denial may take the form of refusing to believe the death happened at all or refusing to have anything to do with any discussion regarding the death. Some children may in fact leave the room when the deceased's name is mentioned. This response usually lessens as time goes on and the child gets more "used to" the idea of the death.

Grief is widespread. What we need to remember is grief is an expression of love for it is only when we have had an emotion tie to the deceased that we grieve. The child needs to be told that all emotions are OK as long as they are truthful...there is no "right way" to grieve.

Crying is another emotional outlet. While all children may not cry...most do but in different and oftentimes unique ways. Some may be loud wailers and weepers while others go off in a corner to silently cry. All these are OK, the child should be assured, as long as they too are honest expressions and not ones the child thinks are expected of him or her.

Anger can manifest in bitterness, resentfulness, lashing out at others or the child may be harder to manage than usual. This too is normal as long as it is still controllable and does not "consume" the child to the point that the child cannot move on. Anger is oftentimes managed by physical exertion and some children need to shown how to let this anger out in non destructive ways, such as running or playing a hard game of football!

Guilt is attached to every death to a certain degree. We all ask at one time or another "why", "what if" and so on. These are normal questions and usually cannot be answered but are part of the experience nonetheless. Children must be assured that they are in no way responsible for the death...especially if they feel "wishes' or "thoughts" caused the death. It is common for children to become frustrated over a long illness and "wish" it were over, only to find that the death causes them guilt. This must be watched for carefully and the child must be reassured that they are in no may to blame.

All expressions of emotion regarding death are natural as long as they help the child to better understand and deal with the death. It is when these emotions do not advance the grieving process that we have cause for concern. It is then that the child may need additional help. This help can come in the form of friends, family, teachers, clergy, counselors, or perhaps grief management professionals. Whatever the form we must remember that our child and his/her acceptance of death is the important thing.

It does not matter WHO helps as long as the child gets the help he/she so desperately needs at the time. For isn't it important that we help our children grow and learn about life, with death being an integral part of it, in any way we can? Our children are our future and it is our responsibility as parents to help them in any way possible!